Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
Did you see the most recent polling data put Clinton and
Dole in a dead heat? Dole's dead and Clinton's in heat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clinton is so far ahead that he's dating again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leon Panetta entered the Oval Office and said,
"Mr. President, we're going to have to do something
about this abortion bill."
Clinton said, "I'm getting tired of hearing about it, just
pay the darn thing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even though Chelsea is in California at Stanford,
President Clinton is acting like she's still at the White
House. Yesterday he invited all of her friends over for
a pajama party.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Center For Disease Control in Atlanta today
issued an URGENT WARNING:
The President has proven that you can get sex
from aides.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"First Dog"
I heard on the news recently that they are going to
neuter Buddy, the First Dog. Maybe I'm missing
something, but haven't they got the wrong guy?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"New Cure"
Clinton was walking around the White House with a pair
of ladies panties on his arm. Everyone was looking at him
and wondering what he was doing now. After about an
hour one guy got brave enough to ask him what he was
doing with the pair of ladies panties on his arm.
Clinton replied,
"Oh, that? It's the patch. I'm trying to quit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Virgin Mary"
Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due
to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to
Heaven and the Pope gets sent to Hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the Hell
administration. They check their paperwork, and the
error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it
will take about 24 hours to make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in. The Hell
administration bids him farewell and he heads for Heaven.
On the way up, he meets Clinton on his way down, and
they stop to chat.
Pope: "Sorry about the mix up."
Clinton: "No problem."
Pope: "Well, I'm really excited about going to Heaven."
Clinton: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
Clinton: "Er... You're a day late."
---------
The Top 16 Signs You've Got Bad Seats at Yankee Stadium
It's the FASTEST
A hip young man went out and bought a 1998 Ferrari GTO. It was the
best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about
$500,000. He took it out for a spin and while stopping for a red
light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulled
up next to him.
The old man looked over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asked,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replied, "A 1998 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half
million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," said the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost
so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" stated the cool
dude proudly.
The moped driver asked, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replied the owner.
So the old man poked his head in the window and looked around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man said, "That's a pretty nice
car, all right!"
Just then the light changed so the guy decided to show the old man
what his car could do. He floored it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer read 320 mph. Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear view
mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed down to see what
it could be and suddenly, whhooooossshhh! Something whipped by him,
going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my
Ferrari?" the young man asked himself. Then, ahead of him, he saw a
dot coming toward him. Whooooosh! It went by again, heading the
opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the
moped! "Couldn't be," thought the guy. "How could a moped outrun a
Ferrari?!" Again, he saw a dot in his rear view mirror! Whoooooosh
K-BbblaMMM! It plowed into the back of his car, demolishing the rear
end.
The young man jumped out, and it WAS the old man!!! Of course, the
moped and the old man are hurtin' for certin'. He ran up to the dying
old man and said, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for
you?" The old man moaned and replied, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders
from your side-view mirror!"
---------
Camping Alert
In case anyone is considering doing some camping this spring
or summer, please note the following public service announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing
when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears.
Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying
particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence
of Grizzly Bears.
One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
----------
Is your computer male or female?
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female
(e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard,
Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males)
announced that computers should also be referred to as being female.
Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative
as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not
going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think
that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their
reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited
a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
------
All do to Clean Living
In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits
of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held
forth with great eloquence on the subject.
"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life,and all due
to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of
twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular
life----no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances.
Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine
o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to
one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an
hour's exercise; then--"
"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner,
"but what were you in for?"
-------
"The Lawyer's Revenge: a True Story"
I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger.
I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70
Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical
juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer
car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy
in a beat-up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a
blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy,
over-aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her
hand up.
Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She
proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down, you idiot."
I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I
drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice?
I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you."
"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?"
(Ever the interrogator.)
"I heard you."
"So, you measured my speed by ear?"
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a
cop. I'll wave him down."
THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down,
and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.
"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told
him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit
is 35) to avoid a collision.
"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.
She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for
them." I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find
another thing to screw me with.
She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be
legal." I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of
my head start to turn.
"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told
the cop, "Which makes them street legal as a replacement."
Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give
out any tickets to this jerk?"
The cop says, "No, I am not."
I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she
left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car
here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the
street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at
a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."
"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to
stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable
cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since
she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause
to detain me. That is an indictable offense."
The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can
demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention
charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle
and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."
The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the
story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with
$215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of
four points against her license, as well as the appropriate
insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I
won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked
away was more than enough satisfaction for me.
Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.
---------
Evening Classes: Spring 1998
SELF IMPROVEMENT
1100 Creative Suffering
1101 Overcoming Peace of Mind
1102 You & Your Birthmark
1103 Guilt Without Sex
1104 The Primal Shrug
1105 Ego Gratification Through Violence
1106 Molding Your Child's Behavior Through Fear
1107 Dealing With Post-Realization Depression
1108 Whine Your Way to Alienation
1109 How to Overcome Self-Doubt
Through Pretense & Ostentation
1110 Body Language for Epileptics
1111 Catholics Women's Guide to Orgasm
BUSINESS & CAREER
0001 I Made $100 in Real Estate
0002 Money Can Make You Rich
0003 Packaging & Selling Your Child
0004 Career Opportunities In El Salvador
0005 How to Profit from Your Own Body
0006 The Under-Achievers Guide to a
Very Small Business
0007 Tax Shelters for the Indigent
0008 Looter's Guide to European Cities
0009 How to Land a Job in Algeria
0010 1,001 Methods of Blackmail
HOME ECONOMICS
401 Cultivating Viruses in Your Refrigerator
402 Burglar-Proof Your Home with Concrete
403 Sinus Drainage at Home
404 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
405 Teach Your Goldfish Buddhism
406 Christianity and the art of TV Maintenance
407 How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
HEALTH & FITNESS
1202 Creative Tooth Decay
1203 Exercise & Acne
1204 The Joys of Hypochondria
1205 High Fiber Sex
1206 Suicide & Your Health
1207 Skate Your Way to Regularity
1208 Bio-feed & How to Stop
1209 Understanding Nudity
1210 Tap Dance Your Way to Ridicule
1211 Optional Body Functions
1212 Leprosy & Pole Vaulting - How to Avoid it
1213 Elective Surgery in the Home
1214 Over 26 - How to Tell an Orgasm from a
Heart Attack
CRAFTS
1011 Self Actualization Through Macram�
1012 How to Draw Genitalia
1013 Weaving With Body Hair
1014 Canceled
1015 Gifts for the Senile
1016 Bonsai Your Pet
1017 Rearranging Your Hate
1018 Masochism for the Over 40s
1019 Post-Coital Rug Making
1020 Creative Nail Clipping Arrangements
RELIGION
6660 Ritual Cookie Sacrifices
6661 Moony Burial Rites
6662 Just Say Noah
6663 Matzoth Baking Without Perforations
6664 Advanced Hell Fire Fighting
6665 Rap & Heavy Metal Hymns
6667 Condensed Bible Study
6668 Satan and Satin
6669 ---Over Subscribed ---
----------
Dear Ms. Moon,
Thank you for your order to Weatherwecare, Inc. The invoice regarding
your
requested items are included below:
Tornado: $49.95
Force Factor Upgrade
(@ $2 per level) : $10.00
Extra Spin: $12.00
Destruction Upgrade: $2.00
Speed Upgrade: $5.00
--------------------------------------------------------
SUBTOTAL: $78.95
--------------------------------------------------------
Shipping/Handling $6.95
--------------------------------------------------------
TOTAL: $85.90
As you can see, Ms. Moon, your pre-payment of 100 Cyber Dollars,
although
greatly appreciated, is actually $14.10 over the total amount of your
order. You are entitled, of course, to a reimbursement of the remaining
difference, however, could we possibly offer you some additional items
that
would add further enjoyment to your current purchase? Some items from
our
discounted line are included below:
Bag-O-Wind Destructo Starter Pack: $8.00
(barn and livestock not included)
"The Homemaker's Guide to Tornado Farming" : $3.00
Speedy's HailMary Ice Machine: $12.95
(comes with owner's manual, Recipe Book,
and Hail Sizing attachments)
Wirl-E-Gig Tornado Lasso: $5.00
(handy for those hard-to-reach areas in
ravines, under bridges, and basement dwellings)
El Zappo Trailer Home Magnet: $2.00
(a must for the beginner Tornado hobbyist)
Maynard's Barn Popper: $7.00
(guaranteed to reduce miss-ratio on all rural
buildings, inhabited or non-inhabited, by 85%)
Deluxe Whip-R-Snap-R Tractor Trailer Tosser: $5.00
(driver and tree not included)
Please let us know which items, if any, you would like to add to your
order, and we will be happy to ship them to the residence of your
choice.
Thank you for your purchase and as a gesture of our appreciation for
your
business, we would like to offer you your very own "EZ Auto Wrapper
Tornado
Attachment" for making great lawn and tree ornaments--and it is yours
absolutely FREE!
Also, don't forget to enter our "Toss 'Em High" Sweepstakes at:
http://www.weatherwecare.com/~getstuffed.html
Thank you for shopping at Weatherwecare! Please feel free to write us
for
catalogs of our other product lines as well as info on our Friendly
Referral Program. Employee and family discounts for those special people
in
your life who are really asking for it!
For an additional fee, we can drop ship hurricanes, tornados, hail
storms, or floods. Impress your friends. Be the envy of major local
governments. Free gift with every order.
Happy Blowing!
Sincerely,
Wynn D. Bagg
President, Weatherwecare, Inc.
*******
Dear Madame,
I'd like to place an order for a super deluxe F5 Tornado with extra
spin
factor at 300 miles per hour. Its been getting extremely boring around
these parts, and the tornado chasers (along with my meteorologically
enhanced family) here in Oklahoma need something interesting to do. The
severe storms, flash floods, and power outages just aren't enough to
satisfy
our basic needs anymore. Extreme destruction would also be greatly
appreciated. An one-hundred Cyber-Dollar has included with this email.
Hopefully it should cover the cost.
Thank you very much,
TerraMoon: The Tornado Chaser
(Not to be mistakes with 'TerraMoon: The Vampire Slayer' or 'TerraMoon:
Warrior Princess')
Cyber Payment is as follows:
||
\/
_________________
| |
| $100 |
| Cyber-Dollar |
| _______________|
----------
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out
and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd
like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah,... and they're in favor 15 to 2."
-----
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for
High School girls: "How to prepare for married life"
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that
you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good
meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be
refreshed
when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair
and
be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may
need
a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part
of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Your
husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it
will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to
see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all
noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm
smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair
or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink
ready
for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak
in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and
unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you
out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to
understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home
and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order
where your husband can relax.
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
Subscribe/Unsubscribe, email: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
In the body of the message enter: subscribe/unsubscribe law-issues
