Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in
a
car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly
due to
her interest in health food and exercising.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion,
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a
Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this
was
going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style
golf
course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges
every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing
the
great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
the
cuisines of the World laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter
replied,
with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
asked
timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you
like of
whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This
is
Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and
stomping on it, and screaming wildly.
St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what
was
wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your
fault!
If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here
ten
years ago!"
-----------
A guy went into a bar, sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. The
bartender handed him a draft beer and left it in front of the guy. The
bartender then returned to the other end of the bar. The guy drank
half
the beer and poured the other half on his left hand. The bartender saw
this and just shook his head.
The guy asked for another beer. The bartender handed him another and
resisted the temptation to ask the guy what he was doing.
Once again, the guy drank half the beer and poured the other half on
his
left hand. The bartender has seen a lot of strange behavior from drunk
people, but this guy was sober!
The guy asked for another beer. The bartender handed him another and
found
that he couldn't resist asking, "Buddy, I can't help noticing what
you're
doing. What's going on?"
The guy looked at him and said, "What does look like? My date and I
are
having a drink!"
----------
Some interesting pranks you can pull on your friends and/or enemies...
LOST KEYS: Get a hold of some old useless keys (car, house,etc.).
Place victim's name, phone number and $50.00 reward... if found and
returned. Drop the keys in one of the less desirable areas of town.
GARAGE SALE: Place an ad in the classified section of your local
newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of
your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile,
antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. Come early!
X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a
large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims
carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the
contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be
unwrapped-inspected by airport security officials. This one will make
your sides hurt from laughter, if present during the inspection. I
like this prank for both male and female victims.
PAPER MONEY: Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim's
name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several
pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive
many eye popping inquiries.
DOGS: Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the
morning (2am-4am) go near the victim's house and blow the silent
whistle and the dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the
owner awakes and disciplines the animal. When the owner goes back
to bed repeat the process again.
TAG ALONG ROAD KILL - Find a dead dog or cat along side a road. Take
a 12 foot long rope, tie one end around the animal and the other end
around the back axle of the victims automobile. Balance the dog or
cat on the back axle of the automobile. As the victim drives, the
animal will drop off the axle and will be dragged about 8 foot behind
the automobile horrifying fellow motorists. This one kills me!
ANIMAL POO-POO - With plastic gloves on find some animal poo-poo and
place it under the door handles of the victim's automobile.
The end result is a sticky situation.
NOISY APARTMENT NEIGHBORS - Place a clock radio or portable stereo
in a large cardboard box. Place open end of box next to the wall
adjoining the victim's apartment. Tune the radio to whatever obnoxious
station you choose. Turn-on when you are away and turn-off when you
return home.
BOWEL CONTROL PROBLEMS - Place a Baby Ruth candy bar next to victim
while they are in bed asleep. Body heat will melt the chocolate to
the point that when the victim awakes they will think they had an
embarrassing accident. This is a great, brother-sister or college
dorm prank.
FAX MACHNES - Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch
paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax
number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been
transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a
continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim's
fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone
number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D.
This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has
somehow cheated you.
----------
When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is
the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and
nobody really bothers him.
One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person
who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a
twenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best
answer will get this twenty dollars".
All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our
country."
"That's excellent" said the teacher.
Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an
excellent, but still being polite.
One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."
Another excellent choice said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.
So the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was
the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"
And Abraham said "Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised.
Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty
dollars." And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham
why he said Jesus.
Abraham said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest
person who ever lived, but... business is business!"
----------
REAL SCIENCE AS SEEN BY STUDENTS ....
1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test
tube.
3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
hold.
6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.
7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull.
11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct
it is.
13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until
the heart stops.
15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops
in your throat.
16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
18. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
-----------
The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items
16> PVC crack pipes
15> Howard Sterno
14> AK-47 Semi-automatic glue gun
13> Stud-Muffin Finder
12> DermAbrade 9000 Acne Remover! Fits most popular belt sanders.
11> Martha Stewart Terracotta Torque Wrench Cozy
10> Pee Wee Herman light switch plates
9> VladCo Electric Impal-O-Matic
8> Richard Simmons "Spackling to the Oldies" video
7> Lewinsky Leaf Blowers
6> The TurboBidet 2000
5> Time-Life's "So, You're A Moron With A Workshop" Books
4> Caulk Rings
3> The Hair Club for Men (attaches to your head to deter
would-be toupee thieves)
2> Goose Tape
and the Number 1 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Item...
1> "Hoe House" shag-carpeted tool sheds
------
Some Humor
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise.
My grandmother's 90; she's dating a man 93. They never argue: they
can't hear each other.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a
laxative.
I have my 87th birthday coming up, and people ask me what I'd most
appreciate getting. I tell them: a paternity suit. (George Burns)
As I grow older and older, And totter toward the tomb, I find that I
care less and less, who goes to bed with whom. (Dorothy Sayers)
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will
avoid you.
Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.
(Phyllis Diller)
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that
it is not.
Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
Despite the cost of living, it's still quite popular.
The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book,
your library card has expired. (Milton Berle)
Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it
again.
If you're old enough to know better, you're too old to do it.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
I have everything I had 20 yrs. ago, only it's all a little bit lower.
(Gypsy Rose Lee)
Time wounds all heels.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the
parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get
it started.
You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert
bracelet.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't
know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so
you don't have to go along.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.
I'm getting just like my great-grandchildren -- wearing diapers and
using a walker.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is
that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.
My uncle reads the obits every day. He can't understand how people
always die in alphabetical order.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
-------
Where to Place Them...
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them
in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two
hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and
see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart,
put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor,
perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from
rainforests,
Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping,
they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience,
send them to the Technical Documents team.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room,
assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.
-------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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