Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
WEST VIRGINIA DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION
Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name: First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate
box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
--
Kathy E
-------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
departed mother and started back toward his car when his
attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and
kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have
to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish
to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration
of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you
mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."
--------
Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle.
10) "Is it virgin's tears and dragon's blood, or dragon's tears and
virgin's blood? Maybe the dragon was a virgin.."
9) "Hmm...is this the recipe for a Potion of Healing, or for Chile
Con Carne?"
8) "Oh, oh, oh, oh! That wand of cold balls -didn't- do what I
expected."
7) "By any chance, have you seen a summoned 9th order fire
elemental wandering around? No? Oh.. Tell me if you do."
6) "It's supposed to have five points?"
5) "My familiar will take care of that dragon! Sic 'em, Fifi!"
4) "What kind of cheap, wussyarse excuse for a djinn only gives one
wish? Oh, he's still here..."
3) "Eennie, meenie, miny, moe.. Which end points toward the foe?"
2) "Damn. I knew I should have used Energizers in this thing."
And, the number one thing you don't want to hear from your mage..
1) "Oops..."
--------
VIRTUAL HILARITY
I work in abusy office where a computer going down causes quite an
inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made
a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has
flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone
here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight
from the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another. "Really?"
said the other man. "How much memory does it take up?" "Very little,"
replied the first man. "Just two bytes."
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his
ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran
into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's
password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked
eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,
asterisk!"
A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because he
said I was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to
buy a more powerful computer and again asked my advice. "I'm sorry," I
told him. "I haven't kept up with computers much since your last
purchase." "Great," he said "Not only do I have to upgrade my
computer, I have to upgrade my computer friend too."
Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take
nine months to download."
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair
shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed
only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings,
he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and
trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked,
"Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my
boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more
money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Bumper sticker: Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.
When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat
rooms,I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do
schoolwork until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to
check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered
his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list
of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson
in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your
mother,and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a
reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework right now, and he said I
could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's
been grounded."
-----------
Tax Humor
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my
own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote
the following letter to the IRS:
I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income
tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for
$150.00.
If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
---------
All things are relative
A young man once asked G-d how long a million years was to him.G-d
replied,"A million years to me is just like a single second in your
time." Then the young man asked G-d what a million dollars was to
him. G-d replied, " A million dollars to me is just like a single
penny to you." Then the young man got his courage up and asked:
"G-d, could I have one of your pennies?" G-d replied, "
Certainly, just a second."
------------
Quotes from Offices
Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these
meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was
going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale
improves."
A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to
get the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's
unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a
protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered
from surprise spikes in her brain.
I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My
new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He
walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit
of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he
created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the
impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the
outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training.
Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're
under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern
this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that
position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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