Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he
arrived on
the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The
person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon
arriving
in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He
exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied,
"Everything is
big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the
bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the
right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over
and
skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which
lead
to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't
flush
-----------
"The Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt Slogans"
1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium II 686/233 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2.
5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
6. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
9. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
10. <----------------The information went data way-----------
11. Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones
in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud....... James Baud.
15. BUFFERS FILES 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied-nah nah na nah nah!
17. c:\> Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"?
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
31. 11th commandemnt - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found ... Out of Memory...
36. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue...
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender-insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCRS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS Secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key... no, no, no! NOT THAT ONE!
---------
One Liners
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* Don't take life too seriously: You're not getting out alive,
anyway.
* I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
* So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
* Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
* Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer.
* I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
* To all you virgins.... thanks for nothing.
* I'm not a complete idiot: Some parts are missing.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If something goes without saying, LET IT!
* Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply.
* Jesus paid for our sins... Now, lets get our money's worth!
* I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. Want it?
* WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
* God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.
* I said "NO" to drugs... but they just WOULDN'T listen.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
* P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS.
* Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
* When there's a Will, I want to be in it!
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students!
* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
* Warning: Dates on Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump, and spill your drink.
* Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling so marvelous myself.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny, Scotty... Now beam down my clothes!
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
------------
One for You and One For Me
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys
filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight,
and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out
towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third
boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the
cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One
for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my god!"
he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the
cemetery!" He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane,
hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I
heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the
souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it
hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the
cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The
old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we
can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the
fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one
for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all.
Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
------------
The Top 1000 Rejected Spice Girl Names
1000> Absintent Spice
999> Andrew 'Dice' Spice
998> Anna Nicole Spice
997> Anorexic Spice
996> B.O. Spice
995> Baby Beluga Spice
994> Bad Hair Day Spice
993> Barney Spice
992> Bay Leaf Spice (the pungent one), sister of Laurel Leaf
(pacifist spice) and Fig Leaf (the streaker) spice
991> Beat-you-over-the-head-with-a-rolling-pin Spice
990> Big Bertha
989> Big Ugly Spice
988> Biggie Spice
987> Bilemic Spice
986> Binge & Purge Spice
985> Blackened Lice Spice
984> Bloaty Spice
983> Bob Spice
982> Brainy Spice
981> Bubba Spice
980> Bulimia Spice
979> CPA Spice
978> Charro
977> Cher Spice
976> Chlamydia Spice
1> April Fools Spice
------------
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the
low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!
------------
Women's Compact Instruction Book
Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the
house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all
there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out
alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance
or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most
men).
Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is
unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can
tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to
make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too
old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even
in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque
books.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll
stay the night".
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even
have bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just
practising.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look
familiar".
The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day
graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend".
There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are
both his mother.
There are a lot of words that you can use to describe - strong,
caring, loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.
-------
Bill Gates - TOO Rich
Examine Bill Gates' wealth compared to yours: Consider the average
American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps he has a net worth
of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger. Which means
that if something costs $100,000 to him, to Bill it's as though it
costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own net
worth.
So for example, you might think a new Lamborghini Diablo would cost
$250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's 63 cents.
That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the
1024x768 screen you've been drooling after? A penny.
A nice home in a rich town Palo Alto, California? Two dollars.
That nice mansion he's building? A reasonable $125 to him.
You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family
to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand, could buy the team
for 100 Bill- bills.
You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare
coach. In Bill-bills, Mr.. Gates could buy three 747s. One for him,
one for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.
Yet More:
Evan Marcus, a Systems Engineer from Fair Lawn, New Jersey who
maintains a Bill Gates Net Worth Page on his web site, notes that Bill
could buy every single major league team in Baseball, Football,
Basketball and Hockey for only about 35% of his net worth -- plenty
left over to buy a European sport.
Of course then he wouldn't have around $150 for every person in the
USA as he does now. Nor could he still give $6.70 to every person on
the planet.
Marcus suggests that Bill could only pay Michael Jordan's 1997 salary
only 1300 times, but that he could buy 902 million subscriptions to TV
guide. He's also fascinated by how much all this money would be if put
into dollar bills. Laid end to end, the Bills would stretch 3.8
million miles -- to the moon and back over 8 times. They could paper
over all of Manhattan 7 times, or be stacked 2,690 miles high --
watch out for satellites. They would weigh 40,000 tons -- 100 times
the weight of one of those 747s he bought above.
But one thing Marcus says Bill can't do is even dent the national
debt. Should he selflessly donate his stock to the U.S. treasury, he
would reduce the $5.37 trillion national debt by well under 1%. It's
nice to put things in perspective. : >
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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