Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them
was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, " Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, " I came here for blood
test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you
afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they
cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are
you crying?"
Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test.
---------
The Top 16 Books Purchased by Monica Lewinsky
16> The Tapes of Wrath
15> Horton Hatches A Scandal
14> Midnight in the Rose Garden of Good and Evil
13> Lowered of the Fly
12> How to Give Ahead in Business Without Really Trying
11> Bill Clinton's Private Parts
10> Men are from Mars, Kneepads are from Reebok
9> I'm OK, You're Subpoenaed
8> The Art of the Kneel
7> Linda Tripp is a Big Fat Idiot
6> All I Really Needed to Know I Learned From Vacuum Cleaners
5> Getting To Oh, God, Yes!
4> Releasing the Giant Within
3> Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the Underside
of the Desk in the Oval Office But Were Afraid to Ask
2> Profiles in Cleavage
and the Number 1 Book Purchased by Monica Lewinsky...
1> Great Expectorations
-----------
-= Top Ten Other Ways Bill Clinton is the Luckiest Man in the World =-
10. Everyone assumes that all of Tipper Gore's kids are Al's.
9. According to the latest letter from Ed McMahon, he may be
the winner of ten million dollars!
8. New Air Force One will be equipped with a Mexican love hammock.
7. Can eat as much as wants and not gain...well, he can eat as
much as he wants.
6. He's got a patient, understanding wife, and Hillary's never
found out about her.
5. Nobody knows he killed Jacques Cousteau.
4. As president, receives copies of the "Garfield" comic strip
several days in advance.
3. Portrayed in movie by John Travolta, not George "Goober"
Lindsey.
2. The American people haven't drop-kicked his fat butt back to
Arkansas.
1. Starting next week -- a fresh crop of interns.
----------
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a
seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp,
then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his
handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the
Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they
had so much money they never drank out of the same glass
twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air
and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting
the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they
had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never
drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar,
and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the
bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many
Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
----------
Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we
practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him
to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
----------
Keep America beautiful.
Swallow your beer cans!
-------
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third
time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he
discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
---------
If you've ever wondered what the complete list of things Bart Simpson
writes during the opening credits of "The Simpsons," here it is:
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
-------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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