Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
This is the "Official Moron Test."
It's based upon typical graduation requirements at
"The University of Hard Knocks"
It separates the dumb people from the really dumb people.
Answer the following 13 questions, then scroll down and
check your answers. DON'T CHEAT!!! When you are done,
count the number correct and see how you compare to others.
OK, here we go......
1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10.
What do you get?
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples
are you left with?
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one
every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many
sheep are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5'-10" tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. What was the President's name in 1960?
**** NO CHEATING ****
So how do you think you did? Here are the answers....
1. Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.
2. One (1). You can only be born once.
3. Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.
4. Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.
5. No. He must be dead if it is his widow!
6. Seventy (70). 30 divided by 1/2 is 60.
7. Two (2). You take two apple...therefore, YOU have TWO apples.
8. One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00,
the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00,
the pills have run out and only an hour has passed.
9. Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.
10. None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark?
11. Meat...that is self-explanatory.
12. Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen?
TWELVE...it's a dozen!
13. Bill Clinton. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name.
---------
"You Know You're Out Of College When... "
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Big Mac with Cheese no longer counts as a
well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator
at work.
11. You're not carded anymore. (Ouch! - LadyHawke)
12. You carry an umbrella. (Never! I'm not made of sugar,
and, hence, I'm not sweet. I won't melt! - LadyHawke)
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to
your salary, which is a little less than your allowance
used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid
and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce
instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your
wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots and smoking gives
you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex
in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer,
bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about
grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
--------
First time on a Boeing
A blonde gets an oppurtunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never
been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.
As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in
excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting 'BOEING!
BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'.
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears
the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts
'BE SILENT!'.
There was pin-drop silence every where and everybody is looking at the
blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a
moment and all of a sudden started shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!!
OE...'.
-----
THE WHOLE TRUTH, and nothing but...
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense
attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire
state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed
for contempt!"
------
What I Want In A Man, Original List... (at age 22)
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List... (at age 42)
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends
--------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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