Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
Friends Dont Let Friends Drive Yugos
Yu*go (yoo-go)
n. 1) Small, economical, Yugoslavian-built automobile.
2) 4x4 hood ornament.
adj. 1) What doesn't happen when you press the accelerator.
Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A. Fill the tank with gas! (If it can still hold liquid.)
A. If not, put a gallon of milk in the back seat.
A. This joke has been censored because it offends Yugoslavians, other
people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes against the
Communist belief system that material goods are provided by the state
for its populace and therefore should have no stated monetary or
status value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-now group will also be
upset because this joke encourages automobile use.
What do Yugos have in common with Ferarris?
- A Ferarri can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds.
- A Yugo can go from 0 to 4 in 60 seconds.
Actually, a Yugo CAN accelerate as fast as a Ferarri, if you give it a
fast enough running start, so it clears the cliff's edge...
Q. How do you fix a broken Yugo?
A. 1) Lift off the radiator cap.
2) Push off cliff.
3) and drive brand new one underneath radiator cap.(30-mile/3-day
warranty included!)
A man entered an auto parts store...
Man: "I need a windshield wiper blade for a Yugo."
Clerk: "Well, only if you throw $20 into the trade."
I once bought a Yugo with a tow package. ...It was in the front.
Q. Why does a Yugo have a rear window defroster?
A. To keep your hands warm as you push it.
"The Oakland Police captured two men in their Yugo last night... The
men are being held as suspects in the city's first push-by shooting."
Q. What comes with every Yugo User's Manual?
A. The bus schedule.
>From the Yugo owner's manual: "If you sense an impending accident
>with any
other animate or inanimate object larger than a breadbox, quickly 1)
place head between legs, 2) lock hands behind head, 3) Repeat: "Our
Father, who art in heaven..."
Yugos are now much safer and come standard with an air bag. When you
sense an impending accident, start blowing *real fast.*
Consumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will cause
about $2800 damage to a Yugo. What's left? About $1200 of "dealer
prep."
Q. What do you call a Yugo at the top of a big hill?
A. A miracle!
---------
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his
school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to
see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off
booksand supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next
day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a
check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think
it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take
things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely ..... "We trust them with the
children, don't we?" he said.
-----------
A question had appeared in an examination which read, "Give
four uses of breast milk?" A student began to answer the
question.
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal them.
3. Available whenever necessary.
But the fourth point eluded him. When there were barely a
couple of minutes for the exam to close the much required
fourth point flashed to his mind. So he completed the answer by
writing
4. Available in attractive containers.
------------
"An IRS Audit"
A man, called in for an audit at the IRS, asked his
accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you
are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got
the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you.
Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of
the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution
of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story,"
replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married,
asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.
'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right
up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right
down to your navel.'
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with
my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Strongest Man"
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran
into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who
could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen,
bodybuilders, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses
and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,
"I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,
grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man
clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into
the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and
asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are
you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "No, I just work for the IRS .... And by
the way, do lemons have feathers?"
"I beg your pardon?" replied the bartender.
The IRS man asked again, "Do lemons have feathers?"
The bartender responded, "No, I don't think so."
The IRS man responded, "Er... I think I've just
squeezed your canary into my drink..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Her Occupation"
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him
that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says,
"Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and
then asks,
"What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says,
"No, no, no. That will never work. That is
much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman excitedly states,
"I'm a chicken farmer!"
The accountant is puzzled,
"What does chicken farming have to do with being a
whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
----
New IRS Forms and Taxes:
"1040 P Standard Penis Tax Form"
The only thing the IRS has not taxed is the penis. This is due
to the fact that:
40% of the time, it's hanging around unemployed,
30% of the time, it's p*ssed off,
20% of the time, it's hard up,
10% of the time, it is in the hole.
On top of all this, it has three dependents, two of whom are nuts,
and one is an a**hole.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 1997, all penises will be taxed
according to size.
To determine the category, please consult the chart below and
confirm this information of Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the
standard 1040P form.
10 to 12 Inches* Luxury Tax $50.00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax $30.00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax $ 5.00
PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENSION!!!
* Males exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains.
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker,
Internal Revenue Service
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"1040 B Standard Breasts Tax Form"
Since the IRS has decided to tax men's penises, it has come to
believe that women shouldn't be left out. So they have decided
that a Breast Tax is in order.
Please refer to the chart below for your tax computation:
AA cup Flat rate $ 5.00
A cup Slight rise $10.00
B cup Normal rate $15.00
C cup Over abundant rate $20.00
D cup* "Are they real?" rate $40.00
PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under AA cup is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN ENLARGEMENT!!!
* Females exceeding D cup should consult their tax advisor for
the KNOCK YOUR EYES OUT Capital Gains tax.
Boobs Checker,
Internal Revenue Service
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"New W-2 Form"
Have all of you received your new Customer Friendly and Simple
As Pie W-2?
Form W-2-CFSAP
1. Name: _____________________________________
2. Social Security Number: _______________________
3. How Much Did You Make In 1997: ______________
SEND IT IN!
Signature_____________________________________
Date_________________________________________
----------
"Tough Marines?"
The marines were having inspection. As the Captain moved on
down the line he would check the toughness of each man. The
first man he slapped in the face with his swagger stick,
"Did that hurt?" asked the officer.
"NO SIR," was the reply.
"Why?" asked the captain.
"BECAUSE I AM MARINE, SIR!"
The captain continued down the line, striking each man in various
parts of the body when he comes upon a man with a large penis
protruding from between his legs. The captain promptly whacks
it with his swagger stick.
"Did that hurt, Marine???" demanded the Captain.
"NO SIR," shouted the Marine.
"Why not??"
"BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO THE MAN BEHIND ME, SIR!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And while we're on the subject of pain.... {hehehe}
"The Bulge" (From novlest via plutolover)
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand
new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to,
he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian
crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl (a blonde?? - ^v^) standing next to him eyed the large
bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "That must be painful....
I had tennis elbow once........"
----------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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