Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing
suit
the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see
her way
up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her
stomach,
so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel,
out
of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your
sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing
a
bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can
see
me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining
room
skylight."
-------
"Think of the Internet as an Information Superhighway"
There it is again: Some clueless fool talking about the "Information
Superhighway." The internet is nothing like a highway. Suppose the
metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose highways were like the
net. A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for
potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway
patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500
member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. 237 onramps at every
intersection. no signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window
at a passing truck to ask directions. Ad Hoc traffic laws. Some lanes
would vote to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle a capital offense
on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just
shoot you without a trial for talking on a car phone. AOL would be a
giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of ebola victims throwing dead
wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars, most of which have been
assembled at home from kits. Some are 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines
with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn nitroglycerine and
idle at 120. No license tags.
No Offramps.
Now THAT'S the way to run a Highway system!!
---------------
A true story out of San Francisco...
It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into
the
branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of
America
and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was
not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept
his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip
and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
go
back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo.
The
Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.
------------------
Problems with Lipstick
----------------------
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of
the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the
bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip
prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He
gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he
wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm
and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the
custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies
did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted
them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then
demonstrated.
He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the
brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove
the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
========
"The Lord's Army"
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and
the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake
hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The pastor said to him,
"You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the army of the Lord, Pastor."
The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at
Christmas and Easter?"
And with a totally straight face, he whispered back, "I'm in the
Secret Service."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Chicken or the Egg?"
A Chicken and an Egg ..... are lying next to each other in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette, and, with a disgusted look,
the Egg says,
"Well ..... I guess that answers THAT long asked question!!"
---------
The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items (Part II)
16> The Gilbert Gottfried Vibrating Showerhead
15> The Whoopsie Brothers' "WidowMaker" Nonlocking Stepladder
14> Black and Decker Nipple Sanders
13> Lee Press-On Nails
12> Approximo Knives
11> The Black and Decker Power Router with Home Circumcision
Attachment
10> "I Can't Believe It's Not Asbestos!"
9> The Limb-Mangler 6500 Wood Chipper ("Bucket O' Coagulant"
and "Man, That's Gotta Hurt! Tourniquet" sold separately)
8> Bob Villa's "Lovemaking, Sensitive Man Style" Video
7> Emo Phillips Head Screwdriver
6> Swiss Army Demitasse Spoon
5> Nine Inch Tacks
4> Monkey Wenches
3> "Crackle" buttcrack spackle - "Keeps the weather out!"
2> Tommy Lee Foot-Long Tape Measure
and the Number 1 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Item...
1> The "Make Your Own Fertilizer!" Kit
--------
The Birds and the Bees
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his
4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole
event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start
explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just
let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,
"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf
going when he hit that cow?"
-----
Top 17 Signs Your Airline Attendant is About Ready to Retire
17. Always grumbling about how things were much simpler when Orville
and Wilbur ran the business.
16. For dinner, asks, "Ya want the white crap or the yellow crap?"
15. When pointing to the emergency exits, uses nothin' but her middle
finger.
14. Occasionally tries to prop-start a 747.
13. Insists on showing you pictures of her prom date with Bob Dole.
12. Loudly refers to pilot and co-pilot as "Opie" and "The Beav."
11. At the security checkpoint, her hip sets off the metal detector.
10. Replaces in-flight movie with racy story about how he and Amelia
Earhart founded the Mile High Club.
9. As passengers deplane, forgets to say "bye" and just stands there
saying "buh... buh... buh... buh... buh... buh..."
8. No matter what you order, she serves up a nice warm glass of Bosco.
7. After demonstrating the oxygen mask, needs to keep it on.
6. Matches entire business class shot for shot.
5. Uses false teeth to prevent the food cart from rolling down the
aisle.
4. Breaks wind so forcefully that the oxygen masks drop.
3. Requests that passengers refrain from using electronic devices such
as Wurlitzers, Victrolas, and telegraphs.
2. Excitedly announces that the in-flight movie will be a "talkie."
1. Keeps getting lost on the way to the cockpit.
--------
The Golden Club
The morning after a night on the town in Minneapolis, Bob told
his friend about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in.
Everything in the club was lined with gold. The glasses had a
gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with gold, even the
urinals were gold plated.
Bob was ready to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold
plated urinals so he phoned the Golden Club. "Is it true that
the glasses in your club have a gold rim?" Bob asked.
"Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end.
"And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob.
"Yes it is" was the reply from the other end. "
"And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?"
inquired Bob.
Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band "Hey Joe,
I think I found the guy that took a leak in your saxophone last
night!"
----
This guy goes into the bar Friday night and orders three beers, in fact
every
Friday night he goes into the bar and orders three beers and drinks them
all
by himself. Three beers...every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always
3.
Well, the bartender can't figure this out. Without fail this guy comes
in.
The bartender finally says to the guy "Every Friday night you come in
here and
have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2
beers, or
4 beers, always 3." The guy says "Yes there is a story." You see, me
and my
two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in
Vietnam. One night while we were drinking we decided that we could
continue
doing this when we return to the states. We also decided if one of us
didn't
make it the other two would drink the third ones beer. And if two didn't
make
it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn't
make
it back so I'm drinking theirs." The bartender felt bad.
Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but
only
ordered two beers. The bartender couldn't believe it. Friday after
Friday
this guy now orders only two drinks. This went on for some time and the
bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it.
The bartender says to him, "I noticed you have only been ordering two
beers
for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here."
The guy says, "Yes indeed there is a story. You see I joined the Mormon
church and I can't drink beer any more."
---------
The Top 16 Side Effects of the Impotency Pill
16> Maybe Private Johnson remembered how to stand at attention,
but he now he won't stand at ease.
15> No longer need help keeping the ribbon in place while tying
a bow.
14> When taken by a woman, she becomes instantly unable to ask
for directions.
13> #1 Florida Bumper Sticker? "Don't Come A-Knockin' if the
Lincoln's A-Rockin'!"
12> Strom Thurmond shows up at the White House and offers to
give the interns a tour of the "Washington Monument."
11> Sales of flour skyrocket as hordes of happy grannies start
baking up a storm.
10> Productivity at work soars, due to new "11 finger" typing
method.
9> One-hour delayed response forces men to finally learn
foreplay techniques.
8> Republican-sponsored "War on Prostitution" bill immediately
withdrawn from Senate floor.
7> Sudden irresistible urge for Quarter-Pounders and Interns.
6> NRA memberships and Corvette/Jaguar sales plummet.
5> "Hi, I'm John. What's a nice girl like you do--Hey!
What are you staring at?!"
4> "Y'know, that Linda Tripp's not a bad looking woman..."
3> Them baggy Jeans no longer slippin' off your butt all the time.
2> Finally -- a place to put your morning bagel during your
morning commute!
and the Number 1 Side Effect of the Impotency Pill...
1> Looks like you can kiss your hopes of winning that Limbo
Championship goodbye.
--------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
Subscribe/Unsubscribe, email: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
In the body of the message enter: subscribe/unsubscribe law-issues
