Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
And here's the joke:
Woman - A Chemical Analysis
Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly
lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal
fluctuations.
Physical Properties:
1) Surface usually covered with painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with
care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical Properties:
1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious
stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when
saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
Uses:
1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
3) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
4) Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests:
1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Caution:
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care
when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one at a time.
----------
What Does "Colonel" Stand For?
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your
name. Not a damn thing.
--------
Top 16 Signs Your Janitor is Not a Mathematical Genius
16> Only 47 different locks in the building, but 150 keys on his
key ring.
15> He's wallpapered the boiler room with old lottery tickets.
14> For some reason, counting to five often involves a journey
into the double digits.
13> Uses WD-40 instead of Formula 409 when cleaning windows
because "them big numbers is mighty scary."
12> The two quarters, two dimes and "pretty rock from the
parking lot" he gave you as change for a dollar.
11> When told to provide two roles of toilet paper for all five
bathroom stalls asks how many toilets that would be.
10> Despite lowering his trousers, can't seem to count past 21.
9> Take-home pay per week: $300. Price of keeping his kids in
Nikes per week: $400.
8> Somehow thought he'd be getting more from his divorce
settlement with Rosanne.
7> Says he enjoyed Wrestlemania X so much, he can't wait for
Wrestlemania Y.
6> Thinks "circumference" is a Jewish ritual and "denominator"
a Schwarzenegger movie.
5> His greatest math accomplishment? Formulated "Vern's Theorem"
-- E=TP squared (Everyone loves an extra roll of toilet paper!)
4> His "Liquid Plumber" requires precisely one 6-pack and a
30-minute wait.
3> Couldn't remember so he had "2 parts water, 1 part Spic 'N'
Span" tattooed on his forearm.
2> His "miracle cleaner"? 40% Mr. Clean and 90% water.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Janitor is Not a Mathematical Genius...
1> He tries to measure Minnie Driver's head with anything less
than a yardstick.
--------
A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You
know
sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's
maiden
name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special
kind of stupid to forget to eat.
They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good.
He's
dead. Good.
A friend of mine confused her vallium with her birth control pills. She
had 14
kids, but she doesn't give a shit.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all
that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,
how'd you
like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a
bell my
body said, "listen bitch... do it and you die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing(
and
then they marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating
too
much, smoking too much, impluse buying and driving too fast. Are they
kidding?
That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than
30 can
fit into their shit.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
-----------
In honor of Bill Gates, whose demo of Windows 98 at COMDEX
this week went up in flames when his system did a nose dive...
The Top 16 Signs Your Windows 98 System is About to Crash
16> The monitor is spinning, the floppy drive is spewing pea soup
and the speakers are growling, "Your Mother codes blocks
that fail!"
15> "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do..."
14> You learn Bill Gates' monthly check to Beelzebub was returned
for insufficient postage.
13> The White House just phoned to say Al Gore is coming over to
survey the damage.
12> Your Palm Pilot starts shouting "Mayday! Mayday!"
11> As the screen flickers, a Scottish voice screams, "Cap'n!
She needs more RAM! She's breakin' up, Sir!"
10> Tiny hoodlum appears on the screen and offers to sell you
"MS Protection" for a modest fee.
9> First time you've ever seen that "Happy Mac With A Chainsaw"
icon.
8> Bill Gates climbs out of a black helicopter in your back yard
and offers you a cool million to keep your big mouth shut.
7> Rumors circulate about a new virus cunningly disguised as an
e-mail entitled, "Top5 - 4/27/98 - Signs Win98 Will Crash."
6> That flying window screensaver just morphed into a flaming
Hindenburg.
5> Knowing the procedure for vermin aboard a sinking ship,
your mouse just high-tailed it into the other room.
4> That tiny iceberg icon is getting larger by the minute.
3> Your screensaver shows a little man committing suicide
by sticking a screwdriver in a flying toaster.
2> Before you can install more of the Professor's coconut shell
RAM, Gilligan decides to play minesweeper.
and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Windows 98 System is About to Crash...
1> An air bag deploys from your monitor and smacks you in the face.
-----------
Martha Stewart Goes Pagan
>Lady Martha of the Stewart Clan's Beltane Planner
>
>
>April 1: Finalize guestlist for Beltane shindig. Decide that Al Gore will be
>the May King this year, seeing as Bill was it last year. Cross off Monica as
>possible May Queen, considering the fiasco from last year. Perhaps Janet Reno
>would consent to being May Queen this year? Have my people contact her
people.
>
>April 2: Check jousting fields out back and mow. Meet with vet at noon for
>inspection of destiers.
>
>April 3: Confirm the Skyclad Strolling Minstrels for the party. Make paper
for
>Beltane invitations out of papyrus growing in water garden.
>
>April 4: Coven meeting. Channel Sybil Leek.
>
>April 5-10: Fly to Ireland to collect the nine sacred woods necessary for the
>Beltane fire. Meet with the Sidhe to arrange for special guest appearances by
>the Dagda and Aengus. Have dinner with Bono et wife.
>
>April 11: Special guest appearance at the Temple of the Pleasant Fabrics to
>discuss new ways to worship satin.
>
>April 12: Meet with florist to special order flowers from Hawaii to float in
>pool. Inspect back yard for poison ivy, spray with organic herbicide.
>
>April 13: Craft horn crown for the May King out of sculpty. Craft flower
>headdress for May Queen out of silk flowers specially ordered from the Temple
>of Pleasant fabrics.
>
>April 14: Send out invites for party, confirm Al as May King. Janet backed
>out, have my people call Rosie's people.
>
>April 15: Beat tax accountant with flogger for not getting me a large enough
>tax return.
>
>April 16: Special guest appearance on Rosie. Confirm Rosie as May Queen.
>
>April 17: Spray poison ivy with organic herbicide, again. Mow jousting field,
>again. Informal party with the jousters in the hayloft of the barn.
>
>April 18: Pull rest of hay out of hair. Meet with house staff to review party
>menu. Check the mead in the basement. Coven meeting, Movie Night! Bring
>popcorn-on-ears grown in garden last year for snack.
>
>April 19-21: Quicky visit to the Caribbean for deep sea fishing with "The
>Boys."
>
>April 22: Begin receiving RSVP's for party. Mow jousting field again. Use
non-
>organic herbicide on poison ivy.
>
>April 23: Inspect 18-foot imported farm-grown teak Maypole. Sand smooth,
>polish to a sheen with Lady Martha of the Stewart Clan's Personal Lubricant.
>Flog staff member for video-taping the polishing.
>
>April 24: Erect Maypole in backyard. Plant petunias from BigK around the
base.
>Make silk ribbons for Maypole.
>
>April 25: Wymin meeting! Get in touch with my masculine side.
>
>April 26: Begin construction of Robe of Flowers to resemble Bloudewedd for
>Beltane. Bake 25 dozen Devil's Food cakes and freeze. Sugar 3 pounds of
>violets to garnish; refrigerate.
>
>April 27: Mow jousting field. Spray poison ivy with commercial-strength
>herbicide.
>
>April 28: Begin chilling mead on imported ice block imported from Greenland.
>Fold 200 cloth napkins to resemble male and female genitalia.
>
>April 29: Pick up the Dagda and Aengus in backyard circle of stone/portal.
>Situate them comfortably in the hill out back.
>
>April 30: Small ritual to celebrate the end of winter with the coven, the
>Dagda, and Aengus. Do the wild thing with The Dagda and Aengus in the bushes.
>
>May 1: Buy mass quantities of Homeopathic Calamine lotion at BigK and
apply to
>rash. Hire new subcontractor to pull up poison ivy still hiding in the
bushes.
>Carve 60 pounds of fresh fruit to resemble flowers.
>
>May 2: Party! Finish flower robe by hot-gluing flower petals to silk robe.
>Bathe in homeopathic calamine. Flog staff members just for the hell of it.
>Take homeopathic Benadryl for itch. Arrange flowers on top of maypole.
Make 20
>gallons of fresh squeezed lemonade. Have staff strategically place Pagan
>Condoms throughout the house and yard. Ride in on white mare. Greet guests.
>Forget took benadryl and drink copious amounts of mead. Barf in bushes. Dance
>nekkid around the maypole. Crown Al and Rosie. Jump the fire. Test Al's
fitness to be
>the new King of the Land.
>
>May 3: Send Al home. Thank the gods I'm not Tipper. Bathe in homeopathic
>calamine again. Start making plans for Lughnasdha.
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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