Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
Proper Diskette and Care Usage
(1) Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out
of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
(2) Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a
powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn
metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel
wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even.
This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better
access time.
(3) Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive.
"Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
(4) Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The
data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the
intricate mechanics of the drive.
(5) Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a
photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be
backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive.
Whenever you update a document, the data will be written
onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup
copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When
you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally
between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
(6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive
while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could
result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the
red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or
"hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably
need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the
slot.
(7) If your diskette is full and needs more storage space,
remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two
minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression)
to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings
with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
(8) Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more
holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more
simultaneous access points to the disk.
(9) Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent
system bugs from spreading.....
----------
Chemistry Humor
1. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One turns to the other and
says, "I think I've lost my electron." The other asks, "Are you
sure?" "Yes," the first says, "I'm positive."
2. A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a drink.
When it's served, he asks how much it will be. "For you," the
bartender answers, "no charge."
-----
MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant
it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your
computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of
the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your
mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to
have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer
solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but
rarely what you want to do.
------
*** Fun With Unix ***
If you type these in from the csh (c shell): in Unix you really do
get these responses.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% got a light?
No match.
% sleep with me
bad character
% man: Why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% make 'heads or tails of all this'
Make: Don't know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.
% make sense
Make: Don't know how to make sense. Stop.
% make mistake
Make: Don't know how to make mistake. Stop.
% make bottle.open
Make: Don't know how to make bottle.open. Stop.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
% make light
Make: Don't know how to make light. Stop.
% date me
You are not superuser: date not set
Thu Aug 25 15:52:30 PDT 1988
% man rear
No manual entry for rear.
% If I had a ) for every dollar Clinton spent, what would I have?
Too many )'s.
% * How would you describe Clinton
*: Ambiguous.
% %Vice-President
%Vice-President: No such job.
% ls Meese-Ethics
Meese-Ethics not found
% "How would you rate Clinton's senility?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ]. |
% ^How did the^sex change operation go?
Modifier failed.
% who is my match?
No match.
% set i="Democratic_Platform";mkdir $i;chmod 000 $i;ls $i
Democratic_Platform unreadable
% awk "Polly, the ship is sinking"
awk: syntax error near line 1
awk: bailing out near line
% 'thou shalt not commit adultery'
thou shalt not commit adultery: Command not found.
------
Online Too Much (Offensive to AOL members Maybe????).
For those of you not on AOL - they have recently started putting
up a message when you've been online for 46 minutes making sure
you are really there and active.
1 You have been online for 46 minutes.
Do you want to stay online?
Please respond within 10 min.
or you will be logged off.
2 You have been online for 135 minutes.
Not to put any pressure on you, but there ARE other
people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some
sorry consideration for our fellow members and sign off,
whaddya say?
3 You DO realize that you've been online for 184 minutes, right?
When was the last time you went outside?
4 OK. This is getting ridiculous.
Frankly, you're starting to piss us off! If you sign off
now, we'll bring back your Buddy List OK? Yep, Finally
5 You have been online for 360 minutes now!!
We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you
just finish up NOW and go read a good book?
6 You have been online for 467 minutes.
Do you remember your family members' names ?
7 You have been online for 513 minutes.
Your husband has left you and your dog is starving.
Do you wish to remain online?
8 You have been online 724 minutes.
Steve Case is coming personally to your
house to yank the phone cord....
9 You have been online 852 minutes,
do you KNOW how many HOURS that is???"
10 You have been online for 921 minutes.
Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour
about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives
9.21 lawsuits per day due to busy phone lines? Please
sign-off to reduce these averages, or go to keyword: CLASS
ACTION to join a lawsuit.
11 You have been online for 967 minutes.
When AOL went unlimited they didn't think you would take
it literally. No get the H*ll off before we go broke!
12 You have been on 1,013 minutes.
This is Steve I need to sign on m'self and answer some
mail. Could you please sign off? Thanks!
13 You have been cybering for 1059 minutes.
Didn't your mom ever tell you that'd make you go blind?
Please sign off now while you can still read this message.
14 You have been on 1105 minutes.
Are you and your family chatting in shifts? Geez click ok
already!!!
15 You have been on 1151 minutes.
Welcome to our team... see job application enclosed. ( if you
can't beat em hire em ) but don't return by email.
------
For Windows95 Geeks only!
Recently the following undocumented Windows 95 error-codes were found.
Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be
spread via the Internet:
WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger.
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet.
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every
file.
WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong.
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused.
WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive.
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on
hardware.
WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments.
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - Only God knows what has
happened.
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full.
WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB.
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More!
More!...
WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside.
WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside.
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened.
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy
a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all
your software. We are terribly sorry. (snicker)
WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this
error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own
code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And
wait...
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will
be lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a
DOS-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will
automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been
installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered.
Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to
play another game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting
for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available and
WinErr: 625 Working Error - The system has been working perfectly for
the past ten minutes. Please reboot.
WniErr: 902 Screen Error - The system is working perfectly,
Windows is not lying, your monitor is wrong
WinErr: 72a Crucial Halt - Hang on, WHAT was that?
WinErr: 72b Memory Error - What? Tell Windows again.
WinErr: 39c Disk Error in drive a: - Although your disk is in
perfect condition (Windows just formatted it), Windows didn't
like it any more.
WinErr: 983 Hard Disk Error - The files on the hard disk were
neatly arranged and fully optimised, so Windows had to mess them up
and put a couple of hundred .TMP files all over the place.
WinErr: 294 BlackMail Error - Send $200 to Gates or your computer will
get so messed up it will never work again.
WinErr: 394 Memory Error - You have been attempting to run this
on a Pentium 200 with 128 MB of RAM. That is not good enough.
WinErr: 872 Windows can't be bothered doing that.
------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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