Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
The Top 16 Surprises About Your Prison Pen Pal
16> Really hates it when his fellow prisoners make him do his
"Chaplin walk."
15> Not only claims innocence, but also says he was the voice
of Charlie in "Charlie's Angels."
14> Claims he only killed his second wife because he found out
bigamy was illegal.
13> His interest in "cellular biology" involves his cellmate
after lights out.
12> Although she's never even *heard* of "Southpark", her love
of jazz has led her to kill 17 people named Kenny G.
11> When *he* says it, being dismembered and thrown in the river
sounds mighty romantic.
10> Spritzes each note with a little Eau d'Exercise Yard.
9> From her handwriting, you'd never have guessed that Zsa Zsa's
Hungarian accent would be so noticeable.
8> Swears that the prison currency of the 90s is Mentos.
7> You both share a passion for collecting Precious Moments (TM)
figurines.
6> Has rare ability to use the words "stoolie" and "Kafkaesque"
in the same sentence.
5> Found a partner instead of a wooden chair, if you know what I
mean.
4> Knows more words that rhyme with "lubricate" than any other
poet you've ever read.
3> That swastika tattoo on his forehead? It was supposed to be
a bunny!!
2> His only crime? Loving too much.
and the Number 1 Surprise About Your Prison Pen Pal...
1> Turns out the unpleasant odor of his letters is due to his
pen-smuggling method.
------------
WARRANTY CARD ON PURCHASED GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL[tm]
Dear Special Interest,
Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official[tm].
With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you
with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential
legislation and other fine services.
Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would
take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information
will
not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in
better
fulfilling your future needs in political influence.
1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
__ President
__ Vice-President
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2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]?
Please check all that apply.
__ TV ad.
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__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
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__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.
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for
future conquest.
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__ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse.
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4. What factors influenced your purchase?
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__ Performance of currently owned model.
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If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing
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Thank you for your valuable time.
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-------
Singing Fish
Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was
really something special.
Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy
who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to
sing like a bird? I can't believe it!
Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a _parrot_ fish.
Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to
teach a parrot _bird_ to sing, you're never going to get anywhere
with a parrot _fish_.
Chris: That's what _you_ think! He can sing all right. The thing
is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how
hard it is to tuna fish?
--------
Lord Help Us All...
Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow
at 7:41:23 am p.s.t.
G-d help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE
hypersensitive.
G-d help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though
they're usually NOT my fault.
G-d, help me to NOT try to RUN everything. But, if You need
some help, please feel free to ASK me!
Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
G-d help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter,
parties, and dancing.
G-d give me patience, and I mean right NOW!
Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
G-d, help me to finish everything I sta
G-d, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look a bird -- ing at a
time.
G-d help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And
would you mind putting that in writing?
Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.
<Leigh, I'm sorry tell me more.> <I thought I was wrong once but I
was mistaken.>
Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought,
I'll settle for a few minutes.
Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo. Amen
------
The Oldest Profession
Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking
about the oldest profession.
The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam
to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest
profession is surely medicine."
The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says
that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God
must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the
oldest profession."
The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says,
"but who do you think created the Chaos?"
-------
FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE:
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what
you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already.
MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, if the mayonnaise is
spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away
perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries.
Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
spoiled.
BREAD
Seseme seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
"spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.
Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are
a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical
laboratory experiment.
LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet.
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball
should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor,
it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an
old trick, but it only works if you have a wife or a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not fart when
you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
-----
THE UPDATED VERSION FOR THE 90'S WOMAN!
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding
where
you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day
has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your
way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from
becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't
forget to use his credit card!) Remind him that his gay brother's
lover never once belched during that faaabulous dinner last week.
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her/him know
you'll need her/him for an extra day this week. Tell her/him that any
miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed
in
the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at their grandparents'!!
5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the
washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the
noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him
with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let
him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and
remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's
late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the
cooking and the cleanup.
7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy
blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage
disposal fixed.
10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him
that you make more money than he does.
----------
A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He
stepped
out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense
pulling
up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He
proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him
his
pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "
--------
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss
pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was
wucking fasted.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called
Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swuttocks. They
were really forrible huckers, and had fetty sweet and fetty
swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the
cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was
a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was
Sherry Hithole, and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge
farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge huttocks and
dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight
otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince
when suddenly the clock struck twelve.
"Miste all chucking frighty!" said Rindercella, and she ran
out tripping bass over uttocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door
and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swuttocks
lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?"
asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over
there" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud
had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper
on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet
stucking funk.
Betty Swuttocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome
hince a bick in the kalls. This was not difficult as he had
bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers
with a follen swanny.
They all hived lappily ever after.
----------
The famous image that everyone remembers where Jack Ruby is
shooting Lee Harvey Oswald in the basement of the Dallas Police station
as he is being remanded to the custody of the Secret Service. Someone
took this photo and retouched it with a Rock N Roll motif.
You can see the retouched photo AND the original photo at:
http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte/oswald.htm
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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