Ken Boucher wrote:
>
>
>>Michael, of course, is talking about giving and showing respect, not
>>demanding it. Can you give an example of a time when honesty might
>>trump showing respect, in your view?
>>
>>
>
>I've seen a number of cases, both in our current organization and
>outside of it, where people simply didn't want to do the job they
>were hired to do. They often wanted to do some other job or do the
>same job in some other manner.
>
>All too often, when this is discussed with the person, the matter of
>respect seems to be brought up by the person having difficulty. In
>their opinion, we don't respect them, or their skillset, or their
>desire.
>
>
And then you are in one hell of a situation because they think that you
don't respect them but you know that you do.
>When that happens, it's best to focus on open honest discussion,
>not "deferential regard"*. There often seems to be some belief on the
>part of the person that if we don't agree that they're doing the
>right thing then we don't respect them, and any attempt to be
>respectful just falls into this bizarre circular trap.
>
>
No, the respect that I'm talking about isn't something we show, it is
something that we have. And, it helps us make choices, including the
choice to be very open and frank, or not depending on what is needed.
>Honestly, polite honesty if possible, is a much better approach in
>this situation in my opinion.
>
>
I don't think they are mutually exclusive, at least the way I see respect.
>In a way, it feels like how a judge seems to treat the people coming
>into the courtroom. It often feels like the judge demands a lot more
>respect than (s)he gives. It's best for everyone if everyone holds
>the judge in "deferential regard" and the judge explains everything
>honestly, without letting respect get in the way of honesty.
>
>
Yes, to me that is outer or (show) respect, rather than inner respect.
>If communication only occurs between equals, then we have to ask
>ourselves if respect causes people to still be viewed equal on all
>sides. If giving respect causes the person receiving it to feel
>superior, then in those cases, it could easily become a barrier to
>communication...
>
>
Yes, different people react in different ways. With some people, when
they finally realize that they are being heard, every interpersonal wish
that they've ever had in a relationship comes to the fore. It can be a
lot to deal with.
Michael Feathers
author, Working Effectively with Legacy Code
www.objectmentor.com
www.michaelfeathers.com
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