On Monday, October 18, 2004, at 8:46:31 AM, Ken Boucher wrote:
>> Michael, of course, is talking about giving and showing respect, not
>> demanding it. Can you give an example of a time when honesty might
>> trump showing respect, in your view?
> I've seen a number of cases, both in our current organization and
> outside of it, where people simply didn't want to do the job they
> were hired to do. They often wanted to do some other job or do the
> same job in some other manner.
> All too often, when this is discussed with the person, the matter of
> respect seems to be brought up by the person having difficulty. In
> their opinion, we don't respect them, or their skillset, or their
> desire.
Yes. This is the sort of thing I was referring to in the made up case where
Jane wouldn't run the tests.
> When that happens, it's best to focus on open honest discussion,
> not "deferential regard"*. There often seems to be some belief on the
> part of the person that if we don't agree that they're doing the
> right thing then we don't respect them, and any attempt to be
> respectful just falls into this bizarre circular trap.
Yes. When I use the word respect, I do not include the notion of
"deferential". Courteous, yes. Submissive, no.
Now, in general, I defer to no one, though in certain situations I would
give a reasonable display. The court of law, for example, where there is no
upside and lots of downside to appearing disrespectful. However, it has
been my privilege to sit down to dinner with some of your local judges at
Clancy's, and while they are great guys they do not leave me in awe.
So in using the word respect, I'd be thinking polite, and treating them as
equals. Some people do seem to want to be treated as more than equal. I
have gotten in trouble that way from time to time.
> Honestly, polite honesty if possible, is a much better approach in
> this situation in my opinion.
Yes, polits.
> In a way, it feels like how a judge seems to treat the people coming
> into the courtroom. It often feels like the judge demands a lot more
> respect than (s)he gives. It's best for everyone if everyone holds
> the judge in "deferential regard" and the judge explains everything
> honestly, without letting respect get in the way of honesty.
I'm not sure I understand how you're translating this back to the work
environment. If Jane and I are peers, I don't feel the need to hold her in
deferential regard. With the head of an organization I'm thinking of, there
was at least one moment where I'd have done well to display more deference,
but I chose not to. It cost me some money, and cost the organization some
effectiveness.
> If communication only occurs between equals, then we have to ask
> ourselves if respect causes people to still be viewed equal on all
> sides. If giving respect causes the person receiving it to feel
> superior, then in those cases, it could easily become a barrier to
> communication...
Yes. As far as I know, I've never managed to show so much respect as to
cause someone to feel superior to me. I would try to show enough so that if
they were in some way my boss or customer, they'd know that I understood
that. They'd also know if I didn't agree with them.
It's a fine line. I take Michael to be saying that he wants to stay well
away from the line of /disrespect/, and I think that's good advice. In my
passion, my words are sometimes mistaken for disrespect, and I don't like
that.
Ron Jeffries
www.XProgramming.com
Master your instrument, master the music,
and then forget all that *!xy!@ and just play. -- Charlie Parker
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