The new stuff is already liquid and the taste is worse. That said the Vodka would make it easier to get through the day.
Jon On Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 11:08 AM, Eldridge, Dave <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > LOL > > I wish he would come out of his self imposed leave and write about current > events. > > I'll have to remember the vodka J > > *From:* Andy Shook [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] > *Sent:* Tuesday, July 08, 2008 8:56 AM > *To:* NT System Admin Issues > *Subject:* OT: Wednesday funny > > > > Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal: > > > > .. I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make > > anappointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy > > showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go > > all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . > > > > > > > > Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, > > reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't > > really > > hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, > > 'HE'S GOING TO > > STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' > > > > I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a > > prescription > > for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large > > enough to hold > > a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice > > it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America > > 's > > enemies. > > > > I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. > > Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In > > accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; > > all I > > had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. > > Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder > > together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. > > (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 > > gallons.) > > > > Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because > > MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit > > and > > urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. > > > > The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great > > sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel > > movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump > > off > > your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. > > > > MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, > > but: > > Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the > > MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you > > wish > > the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined > > to > > the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, > > when > > you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of > > MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into > > the > > future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. > > > > After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning > > my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried > > about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts > > of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' > > How do > > you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be > > enough. > > > > At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood > > and > > totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me > > to > > a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little > > curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital > > garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, > > makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. > > > > Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. > > Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was > > already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in > > their MoviPrep. At first was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, > > but > > then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make > > it > > to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. > > You > > would have no choice but to burn your house. > > > > When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, > > where > > Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the > > 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. > > I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left > > side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle > > in > > my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song > > was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the > > songs > > that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing > > Queen' has > > to be the least appropriate. ?You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, > > from > > somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the > > moment I > > had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare > > yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly > > what > > it was like. > > > > I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking > > 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the > > next moment, > > I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was > > looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even > > more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon > > had > > passed with flying colors. > > > > > > I have never been prouder of an internal organ. > > > > > > Shook > > > > > > > > This e-mail contains the thoughts and opinions of the sender and does not > represent official Parkview Medical Center policy. > > This communication is intended only for the recipient(s) named above, may > be confidential and/or legally privileged: and, must be treated as such in > accordance with state and federal laws. If you are not the intended > recipient, you are hereby notified that any use of this communication, or > any of its contents, is prohibited. If you have received this communication > in error, please return to sender and delete the message from your computer > system. > > ~ Upgrade to Next Generation Antispam/Antivirus with Ninja! ~ ~ <http://www.sunbelt-software.com/SunbeltMessagingNinja.cfm> ~
