Re: [ozmidwifery] Controlled Crying

[Pinky McKay]

Hi Lyn I look forward to meeting you - it would be great for new mums to have someone trustworthy to carry/cuddle bubs while they sleep. I will be happy to "slap your nannies round". I have a stand at kidzexpo and will be talking at 9.30 on Friday (god forbid!! Cant imagine any mums being THAT organised -I will be struggling to get myself there) and have been asked to launch the ASG Parent Briefings website - I think they must have run out of celebs -around 12.30. will have my daughters helping on the weekend so will be more "available" - one is coming after uni lectures on Friday.   Denise I was just "joking" with a single friend recently about how so many 40something women we know have separated from partners and complain about hating sleeping alone, and that is taken as a legitimate sorrow yet we EXPECT babies and children to manage without protest.   My email address will change tomorrow (optus willing -there was a stuffup last time) as I will be getting cable. Try me at [EMAIL PROTECTED] or through my website. I will rejoin the list when it si sorted out.   By the way, the Ezzos have been "disowned" by their own publishers because of the "failure to thrive" associated with their regimes -parent directed feeding. The AAP has come out strongly against it, so certainly Larissa, feel free to pass on anything that might convince this poor mum she is being led up the proverbial garden path. I think many parents are quite afraid babies will get the "upper hand" -the Ezzos come at the sleep/ feeding issue from a behaviour/ discipline perspective and they are very subtle -and dangerous.   good luck Darren   Pinky.   Ps. I have some Pinky Bars from my sister in New Zealand to hand out at my Kidzexpo stand - please ask if there are any left!!! ----- Original Message ----- From: Lyn Cottee To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Sent: Wednesday, August 21, 2002 10:01 AM Subject: RE: [ozmidwifery] Controlled Crying Hi, Fellow Listers, I�ve been a silent observer of the list for a couple of months now and have learnt heaps! Thanks to everyone. I just wanted to say that although I have no qualifications in baby care except that of the mother of a one year-old, I must wholeheartedly support Pinky�s excellent explanation of why controlled crying isn�t a good option. A young baby�s only way of communicating is to cry. If they�re crying, there�s something they are telling you and it�s usually hunger, wet nappy or some other discomfort that thorough investigation will always find. If their communication is ignored, the message sent to them is that they may as well not communicate. I don�t need to state what a detrimental message that is. I�m currently in the throes of launching an agency that specialises in overnight care of babies and I want my nannies to understand this and for this to be absolute policy. I therefore look forward to meeting you, Pinky, at Kidzexpo on Saturday with a view to perhaps organising some workshops for my nannies with this in mind. Sincerely, Lyn Cottee   -----Original Message----- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]]On Behalf Of Pinky McKay Sent: Tuesday, 20 August 2002 10:47 PM To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Subject: [ozmidwifery] Controlled Crying   Hi Darren For goodness sakes get them a copy of 100 Ways to Calm the Crying - and read it yourselfBEFORE you have your bub - you can order it from my website - www.pinky-mychild.com Now I have been so blatant - Controlled Crying is actually very unsafe for a baby this young -Training babies to sleep too soundly, too early is a SIDS risk . Babies need to be able to arouse if they are too hot, too cold, have a breathing obstruction (all SIDS risks) .   Controlled Crying is also bad for bonding (for both parent and child) and; according to a Harvard study actually alters the physiology of the brain (rather like a trauma response) predisposing the child to later anxiety and depression. Controlled crying/ parent directed feeding/ strict routines are also associated with failure to thrive (ref to all these in '100 Ways to Calm the Crying" - sorry its late and I am trying to meet a deadline so dont have time to look them all up right now -but couldnt let this pass without a vent)      i personally see controlled crying at any age to be an abusive practice - imagine landing in a strange country, not knowing the language and being thirsty or hungry - or simply needing reassurance - and finding yourself unable to communicate your needs - we only have to put ourselves in our babies bootees for a moment - if our own feelings dont scream out loud and clear that THIS DOESNT FEEl RIGHT!   I keep hearing of babies only a few weeks old being "sleep trained" - this is very cruel - these tiny beings have just entered a world so different from the womb  - we are the adults here -it is up to us to protect babies senses and meet their needs for love and emotional well-being as well as food  -and, remember, a newborns stomach is around the size of a ping pong ball - it doesnt matter what it is fed it will only stay full a very short time - around two hours from the bEGINNING of a feed to the next one.   For me personally, the issue is that we can "control" some babies (teach them to give up because there is no point trying to make a difference - and how many adults do you know like this?) but this means that we end up seeing babies as little objects to be fixed - later, as they grow into more feisty children we seek more quick fixes like "behaviour management" - instead of seeing the whole issue as one of a relationship -which we need to establish through bonding and mutual respect - children learn what they live - and behave as well as they are treated.   It is far easier and much more enjoyable to put in the "hard yards" and learn a baby's cues and teach her the world is safe in the beginning than to chase our tails later as we keep on trying to learn the next fad thing to stay in control as we deal with night terrors and clinginess because our kids feel insecure.   I guess there are a lot of unreal expectations around babies feeding and sleeping and very little support for mums and dads, possibly because we dont always ask for help -  set up your networks for support BEFORE you have your baby - freeze meals and simplfy your life - plan your BABYMOON, Darren - AROUND the baby's needs as well as your own - it is tiring but the baby shouldnt be the one to pay.   Be open to receiving support - most of us feel privileged to be asked and EVERYONE can share the magic of a baby.   Best wishes with your own bub. Pinky