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Hey JT,
My name is Mark a C5/6 quad 6 years post.
This story sounds familiar and you'll probably get lots of replies that understand exactly what you're going through. I was 34 when I dove off my party barge and life changed dramatically as you know.
I spent 2 1/2 years in a nursing home before I figured out how to go home and put my life together. The wives and husbands usually the first to go and soon you find out who your friends are.
My story was quite like yours when I came home, my business partner sleeping with my girl friend in my house and his wife took care of me briefly. I lost my house vehicles and while in rehab my girl sold or pawned most everything in my house including some things very special to me like my guitars and guns and so on.
Life goes on my friend so get your positive attitude back and start putting your life together.
I went back to work in construction as a job supervisor and my son now lives with me and life is good.
Intimacy is a hard subject to deal with and don't give up on love partner you never know when she'll walk or even roll into your life but don't get in a hurry, make this one count.
I'm still a quad virgin at 40 years old now and I'm still looking for that girl. It seems geography is my worse enemy, I've met ladies on-line that would be a great catch for any man but getting together is a big problem but I'm patient so hang in there man.
Get a plan and start working on it.
Write down the challenges in front of you and mark them off your list as you conquer them, we're still the same person inside and you can still be a chef because I know of a quad chef and I'll try to find his web site and e-mail for you.
I can't figure out where his link is but here's an interesting read for you.
Mark
-------Original Message-------
Date: 07/28/05 16:48:07
Subject: [QUAD-L] LOOKING FOR FEEDBACK...
Dear Quad-list,
My life has been filled with its biggest challenges in the past year. August 2, 2004 I had a life-changing diving accident that left me paralyzed from my chest down. I'm considered a quadriplegic because I have a little inervasion in my triceps and wrist flexors and I don't have any independent movement of my fingers.
I was a 31-year-old, married, father of two, a successful chef, and a modern man of the house. After my accident, it was unclear what I would be able to do. The doctors made no promises, but I was told that my injury is considered incomplete, which means there's a chance to regain at least some movement and sensation.
I spent a total of 115 days away from home. Most of that time was spent in rehab learning how to do such simple things as feed myself, bathe myself, sit up, and how to use what movement I have to be as independent as I can.
While I was away from home, the community rallied in support. There were several fundraisers, all aimed at renovating my house for me and my wheelchair. There were many volunteers, friends, family, and complete strangers that donated money, time, prayers, or just generous words of support.
Every day I looked forward to coming home. I would speak with my wife every evening, and she would come to visit almost every weekend. Even though it was a little rocky, I always thought we would make it work. We'd been together for over 10 years, married for almost six. I always thought we were soul-mates and would grow old together. We are now facing separation. I guess no one knows what they would do if their spouse became permanently handicapped.
How do you know if you're not in the situation?
Lots of people have told me that life goes on, you can do anything you could before, just a little different. I heard many success stories of people who went on to have successful careers, marriages, and families after a spinal cord injury.
I was especially very positive in the beginning, when I had the support of therapists and specialists. My positive attitude faded when I came home, I became very depressed. I stopped exercising except for physical therapy, and began self-medicating. I was very frustrated with the things I used to be able to do at home.
There was a" friend" who had been staying at my house for several months who was helping my wife with many of the things I used to do around the house. I was only home for two weeks before they became intimate.
The Monday after New Year's she told me she wanted to move out, a week later she told me what had happened and had been going on for a month. I thought I could share her. It was only a matter of months before I snapped. She has left me the house, and acquired an apartment down the street for her and the kids, so they can come and visit often.
I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for a couple of close friends who have moved into my house to help me.
How do I move on? I believe I have a lot to offer, I used to think we would be together forever, now I'm craving companionship, intimacy, and someone to be close to.
I am grateful for any advice and or feedback,
Truly yours, Paralyzed and Confused in the Adirondacks
JT... 32 YO... C6... ALMOST 1 YR POST
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