Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's
wrong?"
The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one
of my husbands has passed away."
The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a
Differences Between You and Your Boss . . .
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake,
How Important Though Art . . .
Mr. Allen, the high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his
office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his assistant,
"Miss Hunter, get my broker!"
The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice
saying, "Yes, sir, stock
Grandma's Here . . .
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,
"I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the
trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear,"
she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy
Driving Along
=
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted
to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically
asked, "Are they relatives
Some Irish Toasts . . .
"Here's that we may always have a clean shirt a clean
conscience and a guinea in our pocket."
- Irish Toast
"May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings,
Slow to make enemies,
Quick to make friends,
But rich or poor, quick or slow, may you know
Are you smart enough to be a professional?
The following 4 question quiz will tell if
you are qualified to be a professional.
According to statistics of Andersen Worldwide,
about 90% of the professionals who take this exam
have failed. Read the question, give your answer,
and then scroll
The Note Pad
With four daughters and one son always
dashing to school activities and part-time
jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this,
we kept running out of household supplies.
I instructed them all to let me know when they
used the last of any item by writing it
The Garden . . .
Two ladies meet at the launderette
after not seeing one another for some time.
After inquiring about each other's health,
one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to
the garden to dig up some carrots for dinner,
had a heart attack
Look at Me . . .
"Look at ME!!" boasted the fit old man,
pounding a very flat and firm stomach,
having just finished 100 sit-ups before a
group of young people.
"Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know
why?? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't
stay up late, and I don't chase after loose
Tragedy in the Cornbelt . . .
Air Force One crashed in the middle
of rural America, the Cornbelt. Panic
stricken the Secret Service mobilized
and descended on the farm in force
where the catastrophe had occurred.
When they got there, the wreckage was
clear. The aircraft was totally
Coping With Job Stress . . .
Last week I went to a seminar called
Stress and Disease by Dr. Nickolas Hall,
an expert in psychobiology. He gave an
example of a coping skill for job stress
which I would like to share with you. When
you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND
SHOVE IT
Dead Horse
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other
strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Say things like,
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to
complain. As a man, you
Things Not To Say When Pulled Over By The Police
12. When the officer says "Gee son... your eyes look red,
been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with,
"Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating
Part III: 1999 Darwin Awards
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a
bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.
A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of
one half stick of
In honor of Halloween, here are the latest Darwin
awards. Be forewarned, truth is stranger than
fiction and most awards are reflective of the
macabre spirit of the Halloween season.
Subject:99 Darwin Awards
These awards are given each year to bestow upon
the remains of those individuals,
Corporate Buzzwords for 2000 . . .
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on
anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Seagull
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED . . .
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELL-O to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take
time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking
how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. One reason
A Lesson in Communications Relativity . . .
Bob had finally made it to the last round
of the Regis Philbin's new show, "The
Million Dollar Question." The night before
the big question, he answered Regis that
he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made
Corporate Buzzwords for 2000 and Beyond . . .
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group
discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed,
and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting
Today In History: Sept. 3:
1752 - This day never happened nor next 10
as England adopts Gregorian Calendar.
People riot thinking the government
stole 11 days of their lives
---
Maybe You've Had This Type of Child
In Your House . . .
A
The Laws of Ducks
Duck Law No. 1
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, looks like a
duck and cooks like a duck, it's a duck.
Restatement: All things are known by their attributes.
Duck Law No. 2
Even under ideal circumstances, no duck, no matter
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
---
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow
You know you've lost your status of "Cool" when:
- You find yourself listening to talk radio.
- You daughter says she got pierced and you
look at her ears.
- The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
- Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find
that sexy.
- You
THE ESCAPE ARTIST
~
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure
at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high,
the zoo officials put up a ten foot fence.
Again the kangaroo was out the next morning,
just roaming around the zoo. The fence was
then extended to twenty feet
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