Success is.
At age 4 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 . . . success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 . . . success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 . . . success is . . . having
ED]'" [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Subject: MI Friday humor - Success
Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 14:41:25 -0400
Success is.
At age 4 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 . . . success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 . . . success is . . . having a d
New Computer Virus "Honor System"
-
This virus works on the honor system:
Please delete a bunch of your files at random, then
forward this message to everyone you know.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's
wrong?"
The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one
of my husbands has passed away."
The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a
Differences Between You and Your Boss . . .
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake,
How Important Though Art . . .
Mr. Allen, the high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his
office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his assistant,
"Miss Hunter, get my broker!"
The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice
saying, "Yes, sir, stock
Grandma's Here . . .
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,
"I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the
trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear,"
she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy
This appeared on another mapping list.
Really, no need to send in those forms.
http://www.theonion.com/onion3612/us_population.html
John HaynesDirectorGeodata Consultants,
Inc.1-800-838-6661www.geodataconsult.com
Driving Along
=
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted
to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically
asked, "Are they relatives
Some Irish Toasts . . .
"Here's that we may always have a clean shirt a clean
conscience and a guinea in our pocket."
- Irish Toast
"May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings,
Slow to make enemies,
Quick to make friends,
But rich or poor, quick or slow, may you know
Are you smart enough to be a professional?
The following 4 question quiz will tell if
you are qualified to be a professional.
According to statistics of Andersen Worldwide,
about 90% of the professionals who take this exam
have failed. Read the question, give your answer,
and then scroll
The Note Pad
With four daughters and one son always
dashing to school activities and part-time
jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this,
we kept running out of household supplies.
I instructed them all to let me know when they
used the last of any item by writing it
Why Engineers Don't Write Cookbooks
---
Chocolate Chip Cookies
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3
Sir Ernest Rutherford, President of the Royal Academy,
and recipient of the Nobel Prize in Physics, related the
following story:
Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He
was about to give a student a zero for his answer to
a physics question, while the student
claimed a perfect
The Garden . . .
Two ladies meet at the launderette
after not seeing one another for some time.
After inquiring about each other's health,
one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to
the garden to dig up some carrots for dinner,
had a heart attack
Look at Me . . .
"Look at ME!!" boasted the fit old man,
pounding a very flat and firm stomach,
having just finished 100 sit-ups before a
group of young people.
"Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know
why?? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't
stay up late, and I don't chase after loose
Tragedy in the Cornbelt . . .
Air Force One crashed in the middle
of rural America, the Cornbelt. Panic
stricken the Secret Service mobilized
and descended on the farm in force
where the catastrophe had occurred.
When they got there, the wreckage was
clear. The aircraft was totally
Coping With Job Stress . . .
Last week I went to a seminar called
Stress and Disease by Dr. Nickolas Hall,
an expert in psychobiology. He gave an
example of a coping skill for job stress
which I would like to share with you. When
you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND
SHOVE IT
Dead Horse
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other
strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Say things like,
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to
complain. As a man, you
Things Not To Say When Pulled Over By The Police
12. When the officer says "Gee son... your eyes look red,
been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with,
"Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating
Part III: 1999 Darwin Awards
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a
bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.
A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of
one half stick of
And then there's the "nerd" Bill Gates...
John Haynes wrote:
Putting the World in Perspective
Finally...the answer to the eternal question "Is it better to
be a jock or a nerd?":
Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000
...
Corporate Buzzwords for 2000 . . .
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on
anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Seagull
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
* I would not breed from this officer.
* He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
* He would be out of his depth in a
"a list of all managing directors, broken down by sex."
(Presently broken down by a cold)
Ups, Downs, Ons, Outs, and Ins.
I wonder how many break _downs_ are preceded by break _ups_. (Or by
someone putting the brakes _on_ a relationship.) But then others may break
_out_ the champaign. In my
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED . . .
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELL-O to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take
time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking
how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. One reason
Hello everyone. I'm relatively new to the list, so I hope I'm not recycling
a joke you've all seen. This one was one of my favorites, purported to be
an actual letter from the Smithsonian Institute... but you know how urban
legends are...
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207
Some old ones, but some I hadn't seen
before
Take heart, anyone among you who believes you
are technologicallychallenged, you "ain't seen nuthin'" yet.
This is an excerpt from a WallStreet Journal article:1. Compaq
is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "PressReturn Key"
Another Oldie, but goodie:
Taken from real resumes and cover letters and
printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for
haven't turned
myself into another Chad Scheidecker. What a great start to the week that
would be.
- Original Message -
From: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
To: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Sent: Friday, September 17, 1999 4:26 PM
Subject: MI Friday humor
Got this for a time ago, so if you haven't seen
be.
- Original Message -
From: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
To: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Sent: Friday, September 17, 1999 4:26 PM
Subject: MI Friday humor
Got this for a time ago, so if you haven't seen it...well, here it is:
THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL NATION
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio
Got this for a time ago, so if you haven't seen it...well, here it is:
THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL NATION
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in
October 1995.
A Lesson in Communications Relativity . . .
Bob had finally made it to the last round
of the Regis Philbin's new show, "The
Million Dollar Question." The night before
the big question, he answered Regis that
he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made
Corporate Buzzwords for 2000 and Beyond . . .
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group
discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed,
and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting
Today In History: Sept. 3:
1752 - This day never happened nor next 10
as England adopts Gregorian Calendar.
People riot thinking the government
stole 11 days of their lives
---
Maybe You've Had This Type of Child
In Your House . . .
A
The Laws of Ducks
Duck Law No. 1
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, looks like a
duck and cooks like a duck, it's a duck.
Restatement: All things are known by their attributes.
Duck Law No. 2
Even under ideal circumstances, no duck, no matter
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
---
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow
You know you've lost your status of "Cool" when:
- You find yourself listening to talk radio.
- You daughter says she got pierced and you
look at her ears.
- The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
- Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find
that sexy.
- You
THE ESCAPE ARTIST
~
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure
at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high,
the zoo officials put up a ten foot fence.
Again the kangaroo was out the next morning,
just roaming around the zoo. The fence was
then extended to twenty feet
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