Since we're on the subject of Old Time Music, I thought this was funny and pretty close to the truth.
Subject: Fw: How to Tell the Difference Between Old Time & Bluegrass...
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>> The following is a satirical piece credited to Bruce Thompson and Wayne
>> Shrubsall. (It might be satire but it comes pretty close to telling it like
>> it is.) Read on:
>>
>> The Difference Between Bluegrass and Old Time Music, by Toby Adobe & Moby
>> Adobe
>>
>> BANJO: An OT banjo is open-backed, with an old towel (probably never washed)
>> stuffed in the back to dampen sound. A BG banjo has a resonator to make it
>> louder. An OT banjo weighs 5 pounds, towel included. A BG banjo weighs 40
>> pounds. A BG banjo player has had spinal fusion surgery on all his
>> vertebrae, and therefore stands very straight. If an OT banjo player stands,
>> he slouches. An OT banjo player can lose 3 right-hand fingers and 2
>> left-hand fingers in an industrial accident without affecting his
>> performance. A BG banjo needs 24 frets. An OT banjo needs no more than 5,
>> and some don’t need any. A BG banjo player puts jewelry on his fingertips to
>> play. An OT banjo player puts super glue on his fingernails to strengthen
>> them. (Never shake hands with an OT banjo player while he’s fussing with his
>> nails.)
>>
>> FIDDLE: A BG fiddle is tuned GDAE. An OT fiddle can be in a hundred
>> different tunings. OT fiddlers seldom use more than two fingers of their
>> left hand, and use tunings that maximize the number of open strings played.
>> BG fiddlers study 7th position fingering patterns with Isaac Stern, and take
>> pride in never playing an open string. An OT fiddle player can make dogs
>> howl & incapacitated people suffering from sciatic nerve damage. “A good OT
>> fiddle player?” - Now there’s an oxymoron. An OT fiddle player only uses a
>> quarter of his bow. The rest is just wasted. The BG fiddler paid $10,000 for
>> his fiddle at the Violin Shop in Nashville. The OT fiddler got his for $15
>> at a yard sale.
>>
>> GUITAR: An OT guitarist knows the major chords in G and C, and owns a capo
>> for A and D. (The capo is never used anywhere other than at the second
>> fret.) A BG guitarist can play in E-flat without a capo. The fanciest chord
>> an OT guitarist needs is an A to insert between the G and the D7 chord. A BG
>> guitarist needs to know C#aug+7-4. OT guitarists stash extra picks under a
>> rubber band around the top of the peghead. BG guitarists would never cover
>> any part of the peghead that might obscure the gilded label of their $3,000
>> guitar.
>>
>> MANDOLIN: It’s possible to have an OT band without a mandolin. Mandolin
>> players spend half their time tuning their mandolin and the other half of
>> their time playing their mandolin out of tune. OT mandolin players use “A”
>> model instruments (pear shaped) by obscure makers. BG mandolin players use
>> “F” model Gibsons that cost $100 per decibel.
>>
>> BASS: A BG band always has a bass. An old OT band doesn’t have a bass, but
>> new time OT bands seem to need one for reasons that are unclear. A BG bass
>> starts playing with the band on the first note. An OT bass, if present,
>> starts sometime after the rest of the band has run through the tune at least
>> once - depending on his blood-alcohol content. A BG bass is polished and
>> shiny. An OT bass is often used as yard furniture.
>>
>> OTHER INSTRUMENTS: A BG band might have a Dobro. An OT band might have
>> anything that makes noise including: spoons, washboard, hammered or lap
>> dulcimer, jaw harp, didgeridoo, harmonica, conga, wash tub bass,
>> miscellaneous rattles & shakers, or 1 gallon jug (empty).
>>
>> INSTRUMENTATION: All the instruments in an OT band play together all the
>> time. BG bands feature solos on each instrument. BG bands have carefully
>> mapped-out choreography due to the need to provide solo breaks. If OT band
>> members move around, they tend to run into each other. Because of this
>> problem, OT bands often sit down when performing, while BG bands almost
>> always stand. Because they’re sitting, OT bands have the stamina to play for
>> a square or contra dance. The audience claps after each BG solo break. If
>> anyone claps for an OT band it confuses them, even after the tune is over.
>>
>> THE MUSIC: OT songs are about whiskey and food. BG songs are about God,
>> mother, and the girl who did me wrong. If the girlfriend isn’t murdered by
>> the third verse, it ain’t Bluegrass. OT bands have nonsense names like “Hoss
>> Hair Pullers,” “Fruit Jar Drinkers,” and “Skillet Lickers”. BG bands have
>> serious gender-specific name like “Bluegrass Boys,” “Foggy Mountain Boys,”
>> and “Clinch Mountain Boys.” The most common OT keys are major and modal
>> (i.e. minor). BG uses major, mixolydian, Dorian and minor keys. A BG band
>> has between 1 and 3 singers who are singing about an octave above their
>> natural vocal range. Some OT bands have no singers at all. A BG band has a
>> vocal orchestrator who arranges duet, trio, and (occasional) quartet
>> harmonies. In an OT band, anyone who feels like it can sing or make comments
>> during the performance. All BG tunes & songs last 3 minutes. OT tunes &
>> songs sometimes last all night.
>>
>> PERSONALITIES & STAGE PRESENCE: BG band members wear uniforms, such as blue
>> polyester suits and gray Stetson hats. OT bands wear jeans, sandals, work
>> shirts and caps from seed companies. Both the Stetsons and seed caps cover
>> bald spots. Chicks in BG bands have big hair and Kevlar undergarments.
>> Chicks in OT bands jiggle nicely under their overalls. A BG band tells
>> terrible jokes while tuning. An OT band tells terrible jokes without
>> bothering to tune. BG band members never smile. OT band members will smile
>> if you give them a drink. You can get fired from a BG band for being
>> obviously drunk on stage. BG musicians eat barbecue ribs. OT musicians eat
>> tofu. BG musicians have high frequency hearing loss from standing near the
>> banjo player. OT musicians have high frequency hearing loss from standing
>> near the fiddler.
>>
>> FESTIVALS: A BG band travels in an old converted Greyhound bus that idles
>> all weekend with the air conditioner running full blast, and fumigates the
>> county with diesel exhaust. The band’s name and Inspirational Statement are
>> painted on both the side and front of the bus in script lettering. An OT
>> band travels in a rusted-out 1965 VW microbus that blows an engine in North
>> Nowhere, Nebraska. (It’s also pretty evident that their vehicles don’t have
>> air conditioning.) BG bumper stickers are in red, white and blue and have
>> stars and/or stripes on them. OT bumper stickers don’t make any sense (e.g.
>> “Gid is My Co-Pilot”). BG musicians stay on the bus or at the nearest Motel
>> 6. OT musicians camp in the parking lot.
>>
>>
>>
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