:-)) well, you know that's going to get passed around! On Jan 16, 3:32 pm, Terry Bullin <[email protected]> wrote: > Since we're on the subject of Old Time Music, I thought this was funny and > pretty close to the truth. > > Subject: Fw: How to Tell the Difference Between Old Time & Bluegrass... > > > > > > > > > > > > >> The following is a satirical piece credited to Bruce Thompson and Wayne > >> Shrubsall. (It might be satire but it comes pretty close to telling it > >> like it is.) Read on: > >> > >> The Difference Between Bluegrass and Old Time Music, by Toby Adobe & Moby > >> Adobe > >> > >> BANJO: An OT banjo is open-backed, with an old towel (probably never > >> washed) stuffed in the back to dampen sound. A BG banjo has a resonator to > >> make it louder. An OT banjo weighs 5 pounds, towel included. A BG banjo > >> weighs 40 pounds. A BG banjo player has had spinal fusion surgery on all > >> his vertebrae, and therefore stands very straight. If an OT banjo player > >> stands, he slouches. An OT banjo player can lose 3 right-hand fingers and > >> 2 left-hand fingers in an industrial accident without affecting his > >> performance. A BG banjo needs 24 frets. An OT banjo needs no more than 5, > >> and some don’t need any. A BG banjo player puts jewelry on his fingertips > >> to play. An OT banjo player puts super glue on his fingernails to > >> strengthen them. (Never shake hands with an OT banjo player while he’s > >> fussing with his nails.) > >> > >> FIDDLE: A BG fiddle is tuned GDAE. An OT fiddle can be in a hundred > >> different tunings. OT fiddlers seldom use more than two fingers of their > >> left hand, and use tunings that maximize the number of open strings > >> played. BG fiddlers study 7th position fingering patterns with Isaac > >> Stern, and take pride in never playing an open string. An OT fiddle player > >> can make dogs howl & incapacitated people suffering from sciatic nerve > >> damage. “A good OT fiddle player?” - Now there’s an oxymoron. An OT fiddle > >> player only uses a quarter of his bow. The rest is just wasted. The BG > >> fiddler paid $10,000 for his fiddle at the Violin Shop in Nashville. The > >> OT fiddler got his for $15 at a yard sale. > >> > >> GUITAR: An OT guitarist knows the major chords in G and C, and owns a capo > >> for A and D. (The capo is never used anywhere other than at the second > >> fret.) A BG guitarist can play in E-flat without a capo. The fanciest > >> chord an OT guitarist needs is an A to insert between the G and the D7 > >> chord. A BG guitarist needs to know C#aug+7-4. OT guitarists stash extra > >> picks under a rubber band around the top of the peghead. BG guitarists > >> would never cover any part of the peghead that might obscure the gilded > >> label of their $3,000 guitar. > >> > >> MANDOLIN: It’s possible to have an OT band without a mandolin. Mandolin > >> players spend half their time tuning their mandolin and the other half of > >> their time playing their mandolin out of tune. OT mandolin players use > >> “A” model instruments (pear shaped) by obscure makers. BG mandolin players > >> use “F” model Gibsons that cost $100 per decibel. > >> > >> BASS: A BG band always has a bass. An old OT band doesn’t have a bass, but > >> new time OT bands seem to need one for reasons that are unclear. A BG bass > >> starts playing with the band on the first note. An OT bass, if present, > >> starts sometime after the rest of the band has run through the tune at > >> least once - depending on his blood-alcohol content. A BG bass is polished > >> and shiny. An OT bass is often used as yard furniture. > >> > >> OTHER INSTRUMENTS: A BG band might have a Dobro. An OT band might have > >> anything that makes noise including: spoons, washboard, hammered or lap > >> dulcimer, jaw harp, didgeridoo, harmonica, conga, wash tub bass, > >> miscellaneous rattles & shakers, or 1 gallon jug (empty). > >> > >> INSTRUMENTATION: All the instruments in an OT band play together all the > >> time. BG bands feature solos on each instrument. BG bands have carefully > >> mapped-out choreography due to the need to provide solo breaks. If OT band > >> members move around, they tend to run into each other. Because of this > >> problem, OT bands often sit down when performing, while BG bands almost > >> always stand. Because they’re sitting, OT bands have the stamina to play > >> for a square or contra dance. The audience claps after each BG solo break. > >> If anyone claps for an OT band it confuses them, even after the tune is > >> over. > >> > >> THE MUSIC: OT songs are about whiskey and food. BG songs are about God, > >> mother, and the girl who did me wrong. If the girlfriend isn’t murdered by > >> the third verse, it ain’t Bluegrass. OT bands have nonsense names like > >> “Hoss Hair Pullers,” “Fruit Jar Drinkers,” and “Skillet Lickers”. BG bands > >> have serious gender-specific name like “Bluegrass Boys,” “Foggy Mountain > >> Boys,” and “Clinch Mountain Boys.” The most common OT keys are major and > >> modal (i.e. minor). BG uses major, mixolydian, Dorian and minor keys. A BG > >> band has between 1 and 3 singers who are singing about an octave above > >> their natural vocal range. Some OT bands have no singers at all. A BG band > >> has a vocal orchestrator who arranges duet, trio, and (occasional) quartet > >> harmonies. In an OT band, anyone who feels like it can sing or make > >> comments during the performance. All BG tunes & songs last 3 minutes. OT > >> tunes & songs sometimes last all night. > >> > >> PERSONALITIES & STAGE PRESENCE: BG band members wear uniforms, such as > >> blue polyester suits and gray Stetson hats. OT bands wear jeans, sandals, > >> work shirts and caps from seed companies. Both the Stetsons and seed caps > >> cover bald spots. Chicks in BG bands have big hair and Kevlar > >> undergarments. Chicks in OT bands jiggle nicely under their overalls. A BG > >> band tells terrible jokes while tuning. An OT band tells terrible jokes > >> without bothering to tune. BG band members never smile. OT band members > >> will smile if you give them a drink. You can get fired from a BG band for > >> being obviously drunk on stage. BG musicians eat barbecue ribs. OT > >> musicians eat tofu. BG musicians have high frequency hearing loss from > >> standing near the banjo player. OT musicians have high frequency hearing > >> loss from standing near the fiddler. > >> > >> FESTIVALS: A BG band travels in an old converted Greyhound bus that idles > >> all weekend with the air conditioner running full blast, and fumigates the > >> county with diesel exhaust. The band’s name and Inspirational Statement > >> are painted on both the side and front of the bus in script lettering. An > >> OT band travels in a rusted-out 1965 VW microbus that blows an engine in > >> North Nowhere, Nebraska. (It’s also pretty evident that their vehicles > >> don’t have air conditioning.) BG bumper stickers are in red, white and > >> blue and have stars and/or stripes on them. OT bumper stickers don’t make > >> any sense (e.g. “Gid is My Co-Pilot”). BG musicians stay on the bus or at > >> the nearest Motel 6. OT musicians camp in the parking lot. > >> > >> > >>
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