There is a bit of truth in it, some things were left out, mabe its better that way...<G>
On Jan 17, 11:51 am, Mike <[email protected]> wrote: > :-)) well, you know that's going to get passed around! > > On Jan 16, 3:32 pm, Terry Bullin <[email protected]> wrote: > > > Since we're on the subject of Old Time Music, I thought this was funny and > > pretty close to the truth. > > > Subject: Fw: How to Tell the Difference Between Old Time & Bluegrass... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> The following is a satirical piece credited to Bruce Thompson and Wayne > > >> Shrubsall. (It might be satire but it comes pretty close to telling it > > >> like it is.) Read on: > > >> > > >> The Difference Between Bluegrass and Old Time Music, by Toby Adobe & > > >> Moby Adobe > > >> > > >> BANJO: An OT banjo is open-backed, with an old towel (probably never > > >> washed) stuffed in the back to dampen sound. A BG banjo has a resonator > > >> to make it louder. An OT banjo weighs 5 pounds, towel included. A BG > > >> banjo weighs 40 pounds. A BG banjo player has had spinal fusion surgery > > >> on all his vertebrae, and therefore stands very straight. If an OT banjo > > >> player stands, he slouches. An OT banjo player can lose 3 right-hand > > >> fingers and 2 left-hand fingers in an industrial accident without > > >> affecting his performance. A BG banjo needs 24 frets. An OT banjo needs > > >> no more than 5, and some don’t need any. A BG banjo player puts jewelry > > >> on his fingertips to play. An OT banjo player puts super glue on his > > >> fingernails to strengthen them. (Never shake hands with an OT banjo > > >> player while he’s fussing with his nails.) > > >> > > >> FIDDLE: A BG fiddle is tuned GDAE. An OT fiddle can be in a hundred > > >> different tunings. OT fiddlers seldom use more than two fingers of their > > >> left hand, and use tunings that maximize the number of open strings > > >> played. BG fiddlers study 7th position fingering patterns with Isaac > > >> Stern, and take pride in never playing an open string. An OT fiddle > > >> player can make dogs howl & incapacitated people suffering from sciatic > > >> nerve damage. “A good OT fiddle player?” - Now there’s an oxymoron. An > > >> OT fiddle player only uses a quarter of his bow. The rest is just > > >> wasted. The BG fiddler paid $10,000 for his fiddle at the Violin Shop in > > >> Nashville. The OT fiddler got his for $15 at a yard sale. > > >> > > >> GUITAR: An OT guitarist knows the major chords in G and C, and owns a > > >> capo for A and D. (The capo is never used anywhere other than at the > > >> second fret.) A BG guitarist can play in E-flat without a capo. The > > >> fanciest chord an OT guitarist needs is an A to insert between the G and > > >> the D7 chord. A BG guitarist needs to know C#aug+7-4. OT guitarists > > >> stash extra picks under a rubber band around the top of the peghead. BG > > >> guitarists would never cover any part of the peghead that might obscure > > >> the gilded label of their $3,000 guitar. > > >> > > >> MANDOLIN: It’s possible to have an OT band without a mandolin. Mandolin > > >> players spend half their time tuning their mandolin and the other half > > >> of their time playing their mandolin out of tune. OT mandolin players > > >> use “A” model instruments (pear shaped) by obscure makers. BG mandolin > > >> players use “F” model Gibsons that cost $100 per decibel. > > >> > > >> BASS: A BG band always has a bass. An old OT band doesn’t have a bass, > > >> but new time OT bands seem to need one for reasons that are unclear. A > > >> BG bass starts playing with the band on the first note. An OT bass, if > > >> present, starts sometime after the rest of the band has run through the > > >> tune at least once - depending on his blood-alcohol content. A BG bass > > >> is polished and shiny. An OT bass is often used as yard furniture. > > >> > > >> OTHER INSTRUMENTS: A BG band might have a Dobro. An OT band might have > > >> anything that makes noise including: spoons, washboard, hammered or lap > > >> dulcimer, jaw harp, didgeridoo, harmonica, conga, wash tub bass, > > >> miscellaneous rattles & shakers, or 1 gallon jug (empty). > > >> > > >> INSTRUMENTATION: All the instruments in an OT band play together all the > > >> time. BG bands feature solos on each instrument. BG bands have carefully > > >> mapped-out choreography due to the need to provide solo breaks. If OT > > >> band members move around, they tend to run into each other. Because of > > >> this problem, OT bands often sit down when performing, while BG bands > > >> almost always stand. Because they’re sitting, OT bands have the stamina > > >> to play for a square or contra dance. The audience claps after each BG > > >> solo break. If anyone claps for an OT band it confuses them, even after > > >> the tune is over. > > >> > > >> THE MUSIC: OT songs are about whiskey and food. BG songs are about God, > > >> mother, and the girl who did me wrong. If the girlfriend isn’t murdered > > >> by the third verse, it ain’t Bluegrass. OT bands have nonsense names > > >> like “Hoss Hair Pullers,” “Fruit Jar Drinkers,” and “Skillet Lickers”. > > >> BG bands have serious gender-specific name like “Bluegrass Boys,” “Foggy > > >> Mountain Boys,” and “Clinch Mountain Boys.” The most common OT keys are > > >> major and modal (i.e. minor). BG uses major, mixolydian, Dorian and > > >> minor keys. A BG band has between 1 and 3 singers who are singing about > > >> an octave above their natural vocal range. Some OT bands have no singers > > >> at all. A BG band has a vocal orchestrator who arranges duet, trio, and > > >> (occasional) quartet harmonies. In an OT band, anyone who feels like it > > >> can sing or make comments during the performance. All BG tunes & songs > > >> last 3 minutes. OT tunes & songs sometimes last all night. > > >> > > >> PERSONALITIES & STAGE PRESENCE: BG band members wear uniforms, such as > > >> blue polyester suits and gray Stetson hats. OT bands wear jeans, > > >> sandals, work shirts and caps from seed companies. Both the Stetsons and > > >> seed caps cover bald spots. Chicks in BG bands have big hair and Kevlar > > >> undergarments. Chicks in OT bands jiggle nicely under their overalls. A > > >> BG band tells terrible jokes while tuning. An OT band tells terrible > > >> jokes without bothering to tune. BG band members never smile. OT band > > >> members will smile if you give them a drink. You can get fired from a BG > > >> band for being obviously drunk on stage. BG musicians eat barbecue ribs. > > >> OT musicians eat tofu. BG musicians have high frequency hearing loss > > >> from standing near the banjo player. OT musicians have high frequency > > >> hearing loss from standing near the fiddler. > > >> > > >> FESTIVALS: A BG band travels in an old converted Greyhound bus that > > >> idles all weekend with the air conditioner running full blast, and > > >> fumigates the county with diesel exhaust. The band’s name and > > >> Inspirational Statement are painted on both the side and front of the > > >> bus in script lettering. An OT band travels in a rusted-out 1965 VW > > >> microbus that blows an engine in North Nowhere, Nebraska. (It’s also > > >> pretty evident that their vehicles don’t have air conditioning.) BG > > >> bumper stickers are in red, white and blue and have stars and/or stripes > > >> on them. OT bumper stickers don’t make any sense (e.g. “Gid is My > > >> Co-Pilot”). BG musicians stay on the bus or at the nearest Motel 6. OT > > >> musicians camp in the parking lot. > > >> > > >> > > >>
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