Matthew, Thank you for a very well composed response to this issue. I hope you become a more frequent contributor to this forum.
Bill Scott >>> Pappas <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> 03/01/08 6:11 PM >>> Nancy, I don't know what your next step should be in this situation; I can only tell you what I would do. I would email some version of a message like this to the student: "Jane, thank you for the emails and also for the book. You are kind and it was great having you in the class last semester. Since I finished reading the book you gave me (and enjoyed it very much), I have given it to the college library. The library has a tradition of acknowledging the donor of a book with a somewhat elegant typed note in the front of the book. In this case, I asked the head librarian to make the note say that 'the library was honored to receive the donation of this book to its collection by Ms. Jane Doe, City College Class of 2009.' I really thought that recognition and appreciation of you was most appropriate since you took the initiative to purchase the book and give it as a gift to someone representing the college. "Also, Jane, I recall that you expressed an interest in pursuing a career as a nurse. If the day comes when you need a letter of recommendation in order to reach that goal, I would be glad to write an honest letter saying that I found you to be a dedicated and successful student who had a generous spirit. That's the way I see you now. If that's something you might need, I hope you could give me at least a few weeks' notice before any deadline for such a letter. Most professors do appreciate having some time to be able to write an honest and useful letter. "Beyond that, I must admit that I am finding myself busier and busier with my current students and my other professional and personal obligations. If you discover that my replies to emails are less frequent, this is why. "Best regards, "Nancy" Something like that, anyway. And then I would probably continue to read any emails she sent, but I wouldn't reply to them if I didn't want to. I say, "if I didn't want to," because I might actually want to reply to some of them. If Jane emailed me to let me know that Eric Kandel was going to speak on campus the following week, then I might write back, "Thanks for letting me know. He's quite a neuroscientist." Maybe she has a crush on you. Or maybe she's just a wealthy hyperthymic who has lots of spare time and enjoys being friendly and sending emails to all her friends and associates. But she hasn't done anything illegal--not even anything inappropriate, has she? What she did was discover what she thought was a nice, intellectually-stimulating person her own age and then gave her a gift (which was solicited by you--why else would you share your Amazon wish list with people?) and kept sending her emails a few times each week (to which you, the potential new friend, kept replying). As I see it, the probable watershed moment was when you accepted the book from her. Perhaps you then soon began to feel beholden to her (maybe?). I've had students offer me various gifts, including sex, lots of food, and even a case of beer. My standard response is, "No, thanks. I can't." At most, I sometimes have accepted part of a cookie or something that a student is eating in class and volunteers to share with me; even then, I will try to remember to reciprocate by bringing some food to offer them in the ensuing class meetings. As for the particular case described in the first post of this thread, I would not (not yet, anyway) send a certified letter, contact the police, contact my dept chairman, or blow it all out of proportion. There's an imbalance of power in the professor-student relationship. It can't be ignored. We can't have our cake and eat it too. Our job is to help the students to learn, to let them feel safe while also challenging them, and so on. Within this context, I wouldn't just completely stop replying to her emails all of a sudden and without any kind of explanation. She could reasonably interpret that in this way: "Nancy accepted the new book I bought her, she told me it was a pleasure working with me, she told me to keep in touch, she kept replying to my emails pretty consistently for the last couple of months since last semester ended, and now all of a sudden she has stopped replying (and contacted the cops or sent me a certified cease-and-desist letter, or whatever). What's going on?" I wouldn't mind hearing others' thoughts about accepting gifts from students, or letting the student-professor relationship develop into a less-than-professional one. I've expressed my opinion here--and it's probably clear that I feel there can be a burdensome conflict of interest--but I am open-minded about it. Is it ok to accept the gift after the semester ends, but not during the semester? Is it ok to accept a gift worth $1, but not a gift worth $1000? Where does one draw the line? Also, most of us have probably known profs who got romantically involved with--or even married to--students or former students and it basically worked out ok or even wonderfully (Didn't Philip Zimbardo marry one of his grad students?). Lots of times it doesn't, though. One last thing: This is, I think, my first post to the list. I've just been mostly listening up until now, even though I've been on the list for at least a year and maybe much longer. Perhaps I avoid posting because I can be so long-winded. Also, the more my email address gets out there, the more spam I receive. Tons of it! However, I do occasionally email replies off-list to some of y'all and I might just continue doing that. Perhaps I am writing today because I feel compelled to present this point of view that it is our responsibility to love (in an appropriate way) the students, to not humiliate them, to not engage in an adversarial relationship with them, and to be as honest as possible with them. They are adults just like us (some of my students are decades older than I am). Each of them knows many things that we don't know. OK, I'll get off the soapbox now, but I will continue to read the posts here because I appreciate the candor with which so many of you discuss our everyday issues. Oh, also, I haven't used this email address for years except for a few mailing lists like this that I have whitelisted in my email program. I had to stop using this address because I've had it for many years and it now receives a overwhelming amount of spam. Maybe I should ask Bill Southerly to switch my address over to [EMAIL PROTECTED] Would that be appropriate? Best regards, --M Matthew Pappas, Ph.D. http://www.matthewpappas.com --- To make changes to your subscription contact: Bill Southerly ([EMAIL PROTECTED]) --- To make changes to your subscription contact: Bill Southerly ([EMAIL PROTECTED])
