I do not believe a word of the above
paragraph. I counsel couples often who justify their angry or
otherwise worthless speech with the phrase, "this is not my
intent."
jt: But you are not my counselor
John - we are on equal turf here and just because this was your experience
with
troubled ppl who come to you for
help why transpose their problem on to me?
As a counselor, I get absolutely nothing accomplished
[with couple's reconciliation] if I allow that explanation.
Nothing. I have to look that person in the eye and
disagree. What we do ON A CONSISTENT BASIS - AS A
WAY OF LIFE, AS A PRACTICE, is a near perfect representation of what we
truly believe.
jt: That is not scriptural
discernment Jn. It is "out of the abundance that fills the heart that the
mouth speaks" You can locate a person by what comes out of their mouths -
(if you are walking in the light yourself that is).
I have no way of
evaluating your performance as a "counselor" John or the
results. I have some Christian friends who had marriage problems
and the wife told me that they had been counseled to "act
like" they love one another the feelings would follow. Well
this proved to be a band-aid fix since they are now divorced. It
takes wisdom from
above along with a lot of love, time, patience, and spiritual discernment to
get to the root of these problems, all we see is fruit. The
problem is spiritual, it's an issue of the heart.
Where it does not rise to the level of justification, it is the only avenue for meaningful reconciliation between
couples. I do not accept this as an explanation
-- "I did not intend ..." That is the
incorrect response. The correct
response, by the way, is "I am sorry and I will commit to trying much
harder to respect not only your feelings but your very person [in Christ or
in this marriage]."
jt: I respectfully disagree;
judging responses and trying to fix them will do nothing to change the
underlying problem and our whole lives and every response can not be predicated upon how it might
be received by those around us who are just as paranoid and
wounded? Where's the freedom in that? This causes even more
bondage and is why some (especially women) try to fabricate some
personality and act in a way that is pleasing to everyone around them or
else they become extremely controlling. Did you ever see a movie
called "The Stepford Wives" John?
If a marriage has a partner that
will not come to this point in the conversation, you have a marriage
that has already failed. The percentage figures for success in such cases
-- marital success -- is zero. That is what I
tell them in session. And that is what I am telling
you.
jt: When someone is only doing
the right thing to get a certain response from the other party the person
always knows and
this is not the ministry of
Christ who set captives free by putting the finger of God on the
problem rather than judging the situation by outward appearance and
applying religious bandaids to their wound. If this is pastoral
counselling then no wonder the statistics for divorce in the Church
replicate those out there in the world.
