"President Obama's appearance on the 'Tonight Show' got huge ratings. So, to
promote his upcoming book, President Bush will appear on 'The Biggest Loser.'
That should get pretty big ratings, too."
- Jimmy Fallon
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"George W. Bush, who was our president before Barack Obama, recently signed a
deal to write a book for $7 million. And it makes sense because when you think
George W. Bush, you think book. Don't you, really?"
- David Letterman
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George W. Bush's autobiography:
"You All Misunderestimated The Extent Of My Messtimations"
- thevoiceofreason.com
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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WORK FOR A BAD COMPANY
from The Late Show with David Letterman
© CBS Broadcasting Inc.
10. Workday begins with a pledge of loyalty to Kim Jong Il
9. If you haven't used your sick days, they infect you with tuberculosis
8. They claim an excellent rating from the "Better Bidness Bureau"
7. Only office perk is the free oxygen
6. Instead of raises, everyone is given raisins
5. CEO recently advised employees to fake their deaths and move to Costa Rica
4. Blew $40 billion in government bailout funds on a state-of-the-art taco bar
3. You spend a lot of time opening for Deep Purple
(sorry, that's a sign you work for the band 'Bad Company')
2. Corporate logo is a handcuffed executive being put in a police cruiser
1. Company gave George W. Bush $7 million for his memoirs
=--= =--= =--= =--= =--= =--= =--=
"Former President George W. Bush is now writing a book about the 12 toughest
decisions that he had to make as president. He said each decision had three
options -- rock, paper and scissors."
- Jay Leno
=--= =--= =--= =--= =--= =--= =--=
The Effects Of Global Warming
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27509
=--= =--= =--= =--= =--= =--= =--=
"President Barack Obama picked 14 of the final 16 NCAA teams. Which is pretty
good considering our last president thought Gonzaga in the semis was something
you got drinking the water in Mexico."
- Alex Kaseberg
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Go Back Into Hiding, GOP Begs Dick Cheney
http://tinyurl.com/d6xs4j
Congressional Republicans are telling Dick Cheney to go back to his undisclosed
location and leave them alone to rebuild the Republican Party without his input.
Displeased with the former vice-president's recent media appearances,
Republican lawmakers say he's hurting GOP efforts to reinvent itself after
back-to-back electoral drubbings.
The veep, who showed a penchant for secrecy during eight years in the White
House,has popped up in media interviews to defend the Bush-Cheney record while
suggesting that the country is not as safe under President Obama ...
Another House Republican lawmaker who requested anonymity said he wasn't
surprised that Cheney has strongly criticized Obama early in his term, but
argued that it's not helping the GOP cause.
The legislator said Cheney, whose approval ratings were lower than President
Bush's during the last Congress, didn't think through the political
implications of going after Obama.
Cheney did "House Republicans no favors," the lawmaker said, adding, "I could
never understand him anyway." ...
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"Most Republican officials are begging Dick Cheney to stay home and avoid
talking to the press. What they don't know is that his wife is the one pushing
him to leave the house; do you know how boring it is to hear Cheney plotting
wars against his neighbors all the time?"
- Pedro Bartes
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Republicans are running out of feet to shoot themselves in....
=--= =--= =--= =--= =--= =--= =--=
President Bush is coming out with a book about the 12 hardest decisions he made
in office. It's called "Dumber By The Dozen."
#3, Paper or plastic?
#7, Non fat or fat free milk?
#9, Jonas Brothers or Hannah Montana?
- Alex Kaseberg
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"I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it."
- Edith Sitwell
=--= =--= =--= =--= =--= =--= =--=
At his news conference, President Obama reminded Americans that he inherited a
deficit of over one trillion dollars from George W. Bush. He also inherited
Bush's impressive library of "Idiot's Guide To" books. There's "The Idiot's
Guide to Invading Iraq", the "Idiot's Guide to Guiding an Economy", and my
favorite one, "The Idiot's Guide to Placement of Your 'Mission Accomplished'
Sign".
- Jerry Perisho
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"President Obama said Sunday he's closing Guantanamo no matter what Dick Cheney
says about it. The problem of where to put the detainees is easily solved.
We've got empty bank vaults from coast to coast and they will be safer there
than the money was."
- Argus Hamilton
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Defense Department To Phase Out Stop-Loss Program
http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/defense_department_to_phase_out
Defense Department officials said that, rather than requiring troops to stay on
after their term of enlistment expires, they will begin offering them cash
incentives to voluntarily continue their service. What do you think?
Paul Shannon, Systems Analyst
"Between closing Guantánamo Bay and ending stop-loss, this could seriously hurt
the U.S. military's ability to scare American kids into college."
Jennifer Moss, Police Officer
"And when has anyone ever done anything they didn’t want to do just for money?"
Michael Cruz, Cartographer
"See, that is just like the Pentagon. Thoughtful, considerate, gracious. Class
act."
=--= =--= =--= =--= =--= =--= =--=
"Foot In Mouth" At Faux News
http://cagle.com/working/090324/rice.jpg
=--= =--= =--= =--= =--= =--= =--=
WHITE HOUSE REPLACES 'WAR ON TERROR' WITH SYMBOL
Acquires Cryptic Icon From Funk Rocker Prince
The White House today announced today that it would no longer use the phrase
"war on terror" and would instead replace it with a cryptic symbol once used by
the funk rocker known as Prince.
The new symbol made its first appearance today at a White House press
conference in which spokesman Robert Gibbs answered a question about the war on
terror by holding up a picture of the newly acquired icon.
Mr. Gibbs said that the White House had decided to replace the phrase with the
symbol after determining that its first-choice euphemism, "overseas contingency
operations," was too much of a mouthful.
"In the years that Prince used the symbol, it was totally confusing and no one
knew what it meant," he said. "It should work perfectly for us."
To acquire the rights to the symbol, however, the White House had to outbid an
unlikely suitor, the insurance giant AIG.
The embattled company, which recently stripped its corporate headquarters of
its logo in the hopes of throwing protesters off its scent, had intended to
replace it with the mysterious icon coveted by the White House.
It was hoping to rebrand itself as "The Insurance Giant Formerly Known as AIG,"
a company spokesman said.
AIG Chairman Edward Liddy was philosophical about being outbid by the White
House for Prince's symbol: "All of our efforts were a total and abject failure,
but on the plus side, that means we're entitled to a bonus."
© Andy Borowitz
borowitzreport.com
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"The PGA will honor former President George H.W. Bush at the Players
Championship in May at Sawgrass. His love of the game is legendary. The moment
he got word that Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait he asked the next three groups
if he could play through."
- Argus Hamilton
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"There's a new bin Laden tape where he calls for the destruction of Somalia.
That's right. Forget destroying America, that job is done."
- Bill Maher
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U.S. Ready For North Korean Missile
http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/u_s_ready_for_north_korean_missile
Following the testing of a missile defense system, the Senate Armed Services
Committee was told that there is a "high probability" that they could intercept
a North Korean missile. What do you think?
Eddie Kerr, Customs Agent
"Oh! Oh! If we intercept it, can we keep it?"
Megan Carpio, Case Manager
"Wouldn't it just be easier for the Japanese mainland to intercept the missile?"
Nick Sanford, Bricklayer
"Wait, the U.S. actually has a working missile defense system? Oh, I keep
forgetting we now live in that alternate universe with that black president.
**************
We're At Risk!
http://www.cagle.com/working/090323/sack.jpg
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