STOP PRESS!! *********************** STOP PRESS!! *************** STOP PRESS!!***********************STOP PRESS!! *********** STOP PR
On-the-make journalist reports:
"In a sensational, freak result Mr Ralph Nader was the victor of the 2004 US presidential elections, securing the biggest share of the popular vote. You can be sure that for decades psephologists will be examining and puzzling over this aberrant vote, which saw the anti-Nader vote neatly split two ways between Mr Bush and Mr Kerry. Ironically, during the build-up to the election Mr Kerry had been severely criticised for announcing his candidature, the fear being that he would split the anti-Bush vote. However, history turned out different.
"Even more remarkable, Mr Bush graciously agreed to stand-down in favour of Mr Nader, despite the fact that the Republican Party managed to win every single state under the electoral college system, and the fact that Osama Bin-Laden despatched an immediate video message expressing his satisfaction with the presidential election results. This unexpected decision was thought to be at least partly due to the constant harassment of the radical documentary-maker, Mr Michael Moore, who promised to follow Mr Bush day and night, wherever he went, with a camera team. Shortly after 'congratulating' Mr Nader through gritted teeth, live on NBC, Mr Bush - believe that the mikes and cameras had been turned off - was heard to mutter, 'What the goddamned hell happened to our voter suppression operation?'.
"Mr Nader's first official, presidential declaration was that Frank Zappa musical appreciation classes were to be made compulsory in all schools - with perhaps a bit of Captain Beefheart and Edgar Varese thrown in for good measure. This decision provoked the Southern Republican senator, Mr Duke Newt Hazard, to declare that Mr Nader was planning to 'inflict the devil's music on our young and vulnerable', adding: 'Nader's despotic, communist-homosexualist agenda poses a mortal threat to the moral and spiritual fibre of the American people, if not world civilisation itself'. Prayers will be held non-stop in a bid to sabotage Mr Nader's Frank Zappa Appreciation Act, and reactionary, semi-senile senators have pledged to filibuster the Act out of existence.
"Meanwhile, back to the sports scores, where the Yankee Dandys hammered the ... "
(New York Times November 3 2004).
p.s. election update:
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