I am a perpetual beginner when it comes to meditation. I've been doing it for 40 years, mostly Vipasana in structure. Cultivating a Mind-Body Awareness through guided meditations with various teachers and proponents of Yoga such as Ram Das (aka Richard Alpert) and Swami Jnaneshvara Bharati. I was drawn to Zen by its simplicity and by the works of Alan Watts. I have attended 2 weekends of Sesshin with a group affiliated with the American Zen Association, at the New Orleans Zen Temple where Robert Livingston Roshi is the Abbot. I am not a member there though, they wanted $400 a month to be a member and you have to be a member for at least 3 months before you can receive dokusan from Livingston Roshi. It just felt like a scam to me. I've also done some sitting with the Blue Iris Sangha http://blueirissangha.org/ they follow a Vietnamese teacher named Thich Nhat Hanh. The group has just moved to Lien Hoa Temple which is now too far away for me. So I try an do it on my own while I am looking for someone closer.
My Zazen experience - I understand that you simply need to count your breaths but here's what I experience. 1 - Everything feels good. No pains, cramps, gas, bladder spams, etc. 2 - I focus on my nose as the breath comes in and goes out. 1,2,3,4,5.... I rarely get past 5. 3 - First I feel a sense of detachment and I can't feel the air moving in or out of my body at all. Focusing on my breathing becomes more like trying to focus on the blood moving through my veins, I know that it's happening but where? 4 - Then my mind takes off like a dog chasing a car, but really more like a dog trying to chase many cars. It often reminds me of the way my grandmother's ringer washer would agitate cloths. Just a chaos of thought fragments. 5 - I become aware that I am afloat in this chaos and bring my mind back to trying to count my breaths 1,2,3,.... 6 - by the end of a half hour I feel less like I am caught in the agitation of a washing machine and more like I'm a cork bobbing in very rough water. All in all the experience is very stressful and discouraging. Reading what you have all posted here I am encouraged that my experience isn't unusual however I mentioned this to a friend of mine and she said "Oh, you have Monkey Mind!" Monkey Mind! So what can you do about Monkey Mind? Any feedback would be appreciated. Bill not Bill! Find what makes your heart sing…and do it!
