--- In [email protected], kyukyo <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
> Perhaps It Is Anger At A Percieved Violation Of Your
> Sanctuary That Has You Upset. There Is No Place You
> Can Go, Nor Will Any Effort Succeed In Creating An
> Oasis Where Nothing Suffers Or Dies. The Universes
> Will Not Shift In Response To Your Desires Or To Mine.

I like this very much.
Thanks for the responses Jackie & Alex.

i've spent way too much time in my life being angry at the world for
not being something different - sort of amusing to think of when i'm
not depressed about it...

this practice is so good about letting me simply _own_ all that i am.
 i used to set my radio alarm clock to play npr news each morning
before work.  i remember one morning hearing a story in which a young
serbian man (boy) was interviewed about being taken into his military
experience.  i don't recall the details correctly - but the sense from
his interview was that he was taken forcibly from his family & made to
serve.  part of his initiation was being forced to rape muslim women.
 he was driven by fear for his own life to participate in terrible
things & was clearly as much a victim of the violence as the people he
was attacking.  at that time i had a young son - & i cried all day to
think about all that goes on in the world while i am simply consumed
with getting thru my daily jobs.  i thought of how terrible it would
be to have my own son be put thru such a thing, as well as the sadness
of the mass graves & rapes that were being reported on a regular basis.

during that time (& off & on since) i've gone thru short stints of
therapy for depression.  mostly that has never made much difference -
and i was advised/decided to set my alarm to music instead of news. 
but there is always the nagging sense in the back of my mind that i
don't have enough of a commitment to living from a compassionate
place.  difficult to nail down - just that all my energy goes into my
own survival & i haven't found a way to commit more of my energies
toward 'something greater/more healing for the world' (what ever that
may turn out to be)...

in the mean time life goes on & my children have grown.  my son, who
was unhappy in school & felt he could see no future for himself in the
jobs he was going thru, is now a marine.  

we are all part of the same fabric & we all participate in the same
beautiful(??) & violent dance.  when i saw the picture of the young
iraqi boy whose arms were burned to the bone & both hands gone asking
'can you give me my hands back?  i don't want to live if you cannot
give me my hands' i could hear the words that follow the last sit of
the evening "DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME BY NIGHT OR DAY".  and still i
don't know what it would be to live for something other than my own
survival...  

i think you've got the right idea Alex - "practice the first three
paramitas" - and let go of this notion i can _make_ the world be
anything other than what it is.







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