Hi Juhi, I really like the cadence of the first one, which owes a lot to its loose song metre. The metre might be perhaps unconscious for you, but your ear is surely doing its job here, typically starting with an iamb (te-tum) and then sliding into anapests (te-te-tum). So a map of your poem would look like:
te-tum te-te-tum te-te-tum te-tum te-te-tum te-te-tum te-tum te-tum te-te-tum te-te-tum te-tum-te te-tum te-te-tum te-tum te-tum tum-te te-tum te-te-tum te-tum Note that shifts in the plot such as in line 3 are matched by a changing rhythm. And, finally the trochee (tum-te) in the last line is what's called an inverted foot, and the last line is a very nice place to use it. The word "murdered" in line 3 feels a bit weak, too dramatic, not quite right, a bit off to my ear. At this point, I can't articulate my discomfort with it more than that. I would suggest trying to see if a better or more precise word is possible. I definitely think you should find a good title for this poem. I liked the second poem much less. Cheers Vivek Juhi Dua wrote: > hey, sharing two poems after a silence of a few days. > > Untitled > I learnt from the ghosts of the city > The dance that they danced in the middle of the night > Then I murdered my dancing masters > And swayed on the star lit center stage > Waiting again for the hours of light > > > > for future use > I have bottled my emotions > And kept them in the sun > To ferment > > About ten years from now > They will smell delicious > And taste amazing > > (this ones a really old verse written long ago as a title for one of > my paintings. > feedback welcome!) ------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~--> What would our lives be like without music, dance, and theater? Donate or volunteer in the arts today at Network for Good! http://us.click.yahoo.com/pkgkPB/SOnJAA/Zx0JAA/yqIolB/TM --------------------------------------------------------------------~-> Did you get this mail as a forward? Subscribe by sending a blank mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED], OR, if you have a Yahoo! ID, by visiting http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/join. Members are encouraged to post poetry, their own and others', respond critically to the poems circulated, and participate in discussions. Post via email at [email protected] OR online at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/post. ---theZESTcommunity-------------- [1] ZESTCurrent: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTCurrent/ [2] ZESTEconomics: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTEconomics/ [3] ZESTGlobal: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTGlobal/ [4] ZESTMedia: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTMedia/ [5] ZESTPoets: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/ [6] ZESTCaste: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTCaste/ [7] ZESTAlternative: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTAlternative/ [8] TalkZEST: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TalkZEST/ Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/ <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
