KIRBY: E-mail From Nigeria -- I'm Rich!
Saturday, November 2, 2002
Read me while you can because I am going to be filthy rich soon. When
it happens I will not be writing this column anymore.
The manner of acquiring my new wealth need not remain a secret. You
could do it too, if only you were lucky enough to receive an e-mail from
my new best friend, Abbas Abacha.
According to Abbas, he is the principal heir to a $60 million
fortune left him by his father, Sani Abacha, the late commander in chief
and president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.
Abbas wants me to help him get the money into a safe foreign
account, a service for which he will pay me 40 percent.
Sound too good to be true? Yeah, I thought so at first too, but then
I received similar offers from Reginald Aku, Makeba Maxwel, Marcus
Garvin and Potu Akham.
Apparently things are horribly screwed up in Nigeria. These guys
want my help solving their banking problems, a request that caused my
wife to laugh right out loud.
Garvin, Maxwel and Aku are on various committees responsible for
"lucrative contracts." Akham . . .well, I have no idea what he does
but it sure as hell doesn't have anything to do with English. He writes:
"For the too much troubles you may be of experience in this modality,
you shall be gift the sums of $15M U.S. Dollar in a currency of your
I immediately called the numbers provided, waited for the code word,
and told them they would have my full cooperation. After all, if you
can't trust a former police officer whom can you trust?
The word "police" really excited Potu. He promised to call me right
back with the address to which I must send an amount varying between
$5,000 and $18,000 to help him set up our joint account.
Actually, what Potu said was something like, "Oh, dear [CLICK!]."
But he sounded like a generous fellow before that.
When Potu calls back, I will march straight into the editor's office
and resign by setting fire to his desk.
Rich people do stuff like that all the time. It is just one of many
reasons why I have always wanted to be rich. Also, I would like to go
shoplifting at Saks Fifth Avenue.
I am perfectly willing to risk violating the stern warning in the
Bible about it being easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a
needle than it is for a rich man to get into heaven.
This refers to the human penchant for placing such emphasis on
that it becomes our primary if not sole reason for existence.
Sometimes it even makes us stupid enough to fall for promises of wealth
But getting money is also widely regarded by many as a blessing. You
obey the commandments and God blesses you with financial success.
Maybe not. I suspect that if God hated me, he would give me what I
want rather than what I need. Becoming rich would most likely be his way
of teaching me a painful lesson.
OK, if Potu calls back, I'm going to hang up on him.
Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby welcomes mail at 143 S. Main
St., Salt Lake City, UT 84111, or e-mail at [EMAIL PROTECTED]
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