rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser
with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's
radio telling them to disperse some people who were
loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd
standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window
Locked Out
One afternoon my wife April rushed out of the house,
forgetting her
keys, and found herself locked out. There was nothing she
could do but
wait for me to come home. She
saw a neighbor who was outside raking leaves.
You locked yourself out? he asked.
Yeah, this is the second
Kitchen Clues for Clueless
Submitted by: Jean M.
BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially
acceptable spots that should be seen on the surface Of any
loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth
areas are good indications that your bread Has turned into a
Compound Word Riddles
Q: How does the CIA know what people say in their sleep?
A: They plant bedbugs.
Q: Where do cars go when it gets hot?
A: To a carpool.
Q: What does the dog catcher give dogs on their
birthdays?
A: Poundcake.
Q: Who stands behind home
Valentine's Day Oneliners
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!
What would you get if you crossed Odie with the god of love?
A stupid cupid!
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure,
Signs You're Having A Bad Day
You had trouble getting out of bed
You washed your hair and couldn't do a thing with it
You feel like you have a hangover and wasn't even drinking
last night
Your new diet doesn't seem to be working
You pulled a muscle when you tried to exercise
Yeah I am wondering that me self LOL.
- Original Message -
From: Bonnie Napier
To: funny-jokes@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Friday, February 08, 2008 2:27 PM
Subject: [ funny jokes ] Jokes
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?
You may be
When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation,
I decided to remember their names by noting they were the
same as those of two characters in a popular children's
story.
After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they
were saying goodbye I teased, Be careful going up that
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts
they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, I built a big house for our mother.
The second said, I sent her a Mercedes.
The third smiled and said, I've got you
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a
loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy
clothes, Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to
admit you to the
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for 2 weeks but
nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to
God USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched, and
LACKING ALL RELIGION
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came
upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about
the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, Are you
laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his
Babysitting
Lindy was babysitting grandson Jake when he was about four
years old. They were outside swinging on his slide swing.
They were just talking and talking. Then he became very
quiet and was looking straight up into the sky, so Lindy
said nothing and waited.
What came out of his mouth
A DOCTOR, A LAWYER, AND A PASTOR ALL ENDED UP IN THE SAME DEER STAND. AFTER
A SLOW START TO THE MORNING, AN ENORMOUS 12 POINT BUCK CAUGHT THEM BY
SURPRISE. IN THEIR EXCITEMENT, EACH QUICKLY GRABBED THEIR RIFLE AND SIGHTED
IN ON THE DEER. AMAZINGLY, THEY ALL PULLED THE TRIGGER AT THE EXACT TIME,
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered
small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a
long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000
years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily
impressed.
A preacher was on program at a district convention to preach
for twenty minutes. The other preachers from the district
were sitting behind him in the choir section, giving him
moral support and throwing in an occassional Amen to help
the preacher along. The preacher preached his twenty
:A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on
one of the shelves.
: What are you doing in there?
: she asked.
:
: The rabbit replied:
: This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?,
: to which the lady replied
: Yes.
: Well, the rabbit said,
: I'm westing.
To all the Grandma's
Out There
Danny
Subject: The computer swallowed Grandma...*
THE COMPUTER
SWALLOWED GRANDMA
The computer's swallowed grandma
Yes' honestly' its true.
She pressed 'control'
Say the word slowly and Take your time.
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonalds.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with..
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS:
New Diet
Jan is terribly overweight, so the doctor hands over a sheet
of paper with a diet on it.
I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see
you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.
When Jan returns, The doctor's
Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field
with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes.
What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.
When is a farmer like a magician?
When he turns his cow too pasture.
Why
New Apartment
A property manager of an apartment complex was showing a unit to prospective
tenants and asking the usual questions.
Professionally employed? he asked.
We're a military family, the wife answered.
Children?
Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve, she answered proudly.
Animals?
Oh, no,
Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual
Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or
daughters
who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teen-
agers.
Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the
proud
new owner of a teenage daughter.
Please read this manual
When told the reason for daylight saving time the old Indian
said...
Only a white man would believe that you could cut
a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the
bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket.
http://www.evliving.com/phoenix-arizona/
http://www.worldfamousrecipes.org/
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
List of 2 items
. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah.
. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla
and Four-eyes.
list end
EATING OUT
List of 2
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of
hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have
worsened.
The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification
of his account. After a minute she looked up
MISSOURI FARM KID
(Now at Camp Pendleton Basic Training Facility)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps
beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before
all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a show and
tell assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share
with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in
front of the class and
My wife and I had taken our two children to a popular children's movie and the
theater was filling up. Just before the movie started, another family with
small children came in and the only remaining seats were in the very front row.
As the father was coaxing his children to walk across the row
That is a good one,
one day we went some place I forget just where,
and the lady seriously said I can't make change because the computers are down.
Now even though I am totally blind,
that was one thing we were made to learn in school,
and I'm not the brightest color in the box but I can do
Apple Pie and Coffee
http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/
A man had trouble with his English, so his friend taught him
how to say, Apple pie and coffee, so when on the job, he
could order some food at the local restaurant during his
lunch hour. This was fine with our man, and he was grateful
to his
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