Re: This isn't for attention
@ghostrider
I find it almost near impossible to reply to such a profound statement, and yet, I feel I must. It is my hope and prayer that you will gleam something from it that will sustain you if only a little longer, since every moment you have committed yourself to life is yet another intense battle won in a grueling war, and make no mistake; you've done well. From your admission that you fall into seemingly endless pits and don't know what to do or how to do it, to your embracing the hurt and the anger and distress you have coped with thus far, shouldering it as best you know how without knowing how, struggling under the burden of it all to fight another day is nothing short of heroic. Consider your age, your abilities, your place in life and in this world. Then, consider that others who would claim they are much older, much wiser, much more solidly ground and mentally sound have succumb to the end. Regardless what we make of it, ri
ght or wrong, good or bad, heartless or otherwise, the choice to continue living, to resist the call to call it quits because your life seems to have spun out of your control and dealing with it in complete doubt no longer seems like a solution, your heart continues beating, your pulse continues channeling, your mind continues turning, and while you may not see it, your love continues growing.
If you haven't heard it today, if you've never heard it in your life, then let me be the first to say to you that I'm proud of you, proud of what you've accomplished, which is more than I did when I was somewhat in your shoes. I didn't speak. I didn't want to admit I was afraid. I didn't wish to hold onto anyone or seem dependant. I fled from all of that and chose to dwell in the darkest of places where many horrid calamities present themselves, where the conclusion seems to be the end of all stories. I would dwell in my min
d, and there was no escape.
And in this self pity I wallowed for far too long, without anyone caring because no soul knew, and no soul knew because I would not reveal, not befriend, not attempt at any point to venture forth to do anything about and or with myself. I lay in bed and wished for the end, my mother and father both coming to my door and trying to offer me meals, my sister doing her best to encourage me in her own little way by trying to be first helpful, then comical, then helpful again. I discovered the difference between living and merely existing as a shell, a wreck of a person, an entity rather than an individual with individualistic traits and ideas and a personality.
But you? You have done more than I have. People call my posts eloquent; they say my speech is worth their attention. I placed a mask over myself when I spoke to anyone on here or anywhere else my presence was required. I went on performing like nothing had e
ver taken place in my life that would warrant sadness or fear or anything else that could be interpreted as negativity, all the while hurting myself, ignoring my frame of mind, a stringless dummy capable of bursting into flames and disintegrating and perishing into the wells of silence. Were I to return to my past self I would tell myself to do what you've done, and that admission on my part is the highest praise and greatest acknowledgement I can give you. it may not mean anything to you now, and it may never mean anything to you at all, ever, but I want you to know that I'm rooting for you, the two of you and your relationship. I'm going to keep cheering you on and believing in you because that along with my prayers truly is all I have to offer, knowing that no amount of what I am doing may bring you true solace while simultaneously wishing and waiting for a day when you come back to us and tell us you made it, because I care, and I'm sure man
y others do too.
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