Hi Jess,

We made a similar decision about my grandfather a few years ago.
Every time we saw him for the first 18 months or so, which is every
day usually, he would beg us to take him home.  It was heartbreaking.
It was worse than heartbreaking, really -- it felt like we betrayed
him.  But I would remind him why we made the decision that we did, the
details of which I won't go into here, but will privately, and he
would look at me really confused because he didn't remember what had
happened.  And then he would cry because he believed me.  Let me tell
you how much that sucks, to see a man you admired pretty much more
than anything else in this world, crying and begging you to take him
home.

Eventually he got to the point where he could see that he needed the
kind of help we just couldn't give him at home (24 hour care, can't do
the stairs, etc) and he stopped begging us to go home.  When we did
take him home for the holidays or whatever, he would eventually tell
us he was ready to go back, usually before we were ready to take him.
The last time we brought him home he only lasted a couple of hours and
wanted to go back almost as soon as he got there.  We stopped trying
last year, I think.

I guess the point of this is:

1) You're not alone.  You're *SO* not alone.  This decision sucks and
it continues to suck for a long time, but if you look around at
everything they do for your mom, you'll realize that you just can't do
it all, and it was the right decision to make.  It only helps a
little, but accept it for what it is.

2) He adjusted, eventually.  Your mom will, too.

You can email me privately if you want.  It helped me immensely in the
beginning to be able to talk about it and to have people to talk about
it with.  I would be happy to help you with that if you need it.


joe

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