> -----Original Message-----
> From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]]On
> Behalf Of J. van Baardwijk
[snip]
> >Of these, how many have you bothered to reply to?
>
> None so far. Too busy trying to drill some common sense into Erik's skull.
Why would you volunteer for *that* job (see
http://stripe.colorado.edu/~morristo/sisyphus.html)?
> Of course I am quick to defend myself; I do not see anyone else coming to
> my defense. The only thing I do see is people blaming the victim and
> defending the perpetrator.
Arguing to assign blame is worse than useless. It sucks energy out of us.
It's a way of shirking listmember/listowner responsibility. If Joe X writes
a message saying you're to blame for trouble on the list, then Joe isn't
being a member of the community, he's flying solo.
> If someone would attack you on-list, would you not defend yourself?
I've certainly given in to that urge at times, but always regretted it
afterwards.
> With surprisingly little criticism from anyone but me. It looks like I am
> the only one who believes personal attacks and slander are not acceptable
> behaviour.
I'm quite sure that's not true. But you are one of the few who argues that
the exchanges you and Erik are having are about that. From here, it looks
to be entirely about who's winning the argument.
When somebody does something wrong, it is important to hold them
responsible, but that's an entirely different state of mind from blaming
them. You and Erik are trying to persuade each other and the community to
choose which of you is the bad guy, implying that some punishment is called
for. That shouldn't happen, because you're undoubtedly both good guys who
are both doing bad things in this community; together, you're doing a very
bad thing.
Take responsibility for the bad things you've done and forget about proving
that anybody is a bad person -- which is a bad thing to do! The problem
*is* the name-calling, blaming and arguing; the problem is *not* Jeroen; the
problem is *not* Erik.
To close this, let me make it first-person. I don't want to figure out
which of you is to blame. I don't want to see either of you punished. I do
want each of you to take responsibility for the crap you've been dumping on
each other and the community, which in my opinion means nothing more or less
than acknowledging it in an apology to all and resolving to do better in the
future.
I'd suggest as a first step to changing your thinking, you each sincerely
ask yourselves if successfully blaming the other guy would have any effect
his behavior. Choose to take charge of the situation here rather than
complaining about who's at fault for creating it.
Nick
