I've had it. My mother's had it. I remember being pretty young (not 100%
sure, but I believe under 10 years old) and my mother going away for a
week...learning later that she had a complete breakdown. I bring that up
because I do believe that it is passed along thru the family. I don't
believe that one HAS to be genetically predisposed to depression to become
depressed...but some people are more likely than others based on that (IMO).
I was never a terribly happy outgoing kind of person...but I wouldn't say
clinically depressed until I was about 26 (9 years ago). Right around that
time, I started having panic attacks. I wasn't sure what brought them on,
but it was pretty bad. The 'fight or flight' mechanism kicking in...but
nothing to fight or fly from...which only made it worse. And of course, the
never knowing when one would hit.
Looking back, I had a lot of losses then, which I'm sure attributed to
things. I had only ever known 3 of my grandparents, and they all passed
away within a year of each other. Our first family dog had to be put down.
And a relationship that I was in for a little over 4 years ended (badly).
The last one was the kicker. I'm one of those people who (used to) meet a
girl, get involved, and then forget the outside world existed. Bad, of
course, as once you remove the girl from the equation, there's nothing left.
And that's where I was. An overwhelming sense of loneliness, emptiness,
etc. Could not stop crying (damn near 24/7)...couldn't eat, which was
weird...it wasn't that I was hungry but didn't want to eat...I just wasn't
hungry. And literally was eating nothing.
I was in college at this time, and living up on campus in an apartment. It
was a college where 99% of the people went home over the weekend, so
weekends were very bad. The whole area was like a ghost town. The
desperation was so bad, that inevitably thoughts of suicide arose. Didn't
want to live like that, but to be frank, was afraid to die. After a couple
of weeks tho, it got progressively worse, and the fear of death was
subsiding. Luckily, it still lingered, and I told a counselor that I was
seeing that I was petrified that I wouldn't make it through another weekend.
To answer your question...*that* is how I knew when it was bad. In
hindsight, I certainly should have known before that. It was a Friday that
I told this to my counselor, and ended up in an institution that day, for
the next week. The institution didn't want to admit me, as they weren't
convinced it was a serious enough situation (they saw it as "oh, the guy is
sad because his girlfriend broke up with him"). Luckily, the counselor I
was seeing knew better and fought to get me in. If she hadn't, I might not
be here now.
I don't know if true clinical depression ever goes away. I like to think
I'm better off now. Married, a 16 month old beautiful daughter, decent job,
a few close friends *outside* of my marriage...but still, there are days
when I'm just sad. I've also recently begun seeing a therapist on a regular
basis, which I think was a good move. I quit smoking a few months ago,
using Zyban which is really just repackaged Wellbutrin (an anti-depressant).
Even though I'm comfortable in my quit at this point, I'm staying on the
Wellbutrin because I don't think being on an anti-depressant is a bad thing
for me.
If you need to/want to talk about anything, let me know (either on list or
off is fine).
Charlie
-----Original Message-----
From: Paul Ihrig [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Sent: Wednesday, October 22, 2003 6:45 AM
To: CF-Community
Subject: depression
just curious if any one on the list has had it.
i have always had it mildly. since i was 12 or so.
but was always some thing that seemed to be a layer to my personality.
but lately i cant seem to shake this feeling of dread/hopelessness.
i am sure part of it is not working & self esteem.
but how do you know when it is bad?
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