Wow. What an excellent post.
Thanks for sharing it.
Hope all goes well for you.
-Ben
>Paul:
>
>I've had it. My mother's had it. I remember being pretty young (not 100%
>sure, but I believe under 10 years old) and my mother going away for a
>week...learning later that she had a complete breakdown. I bring that up
>because I do believe that it is passed along thru the family. I don't
>believe that one HAS to be genetically predisposed to depression to become
>depressed...but some people are more likely than others based on that (IMO).
>
>I was never a terribly happy outgoing kind of person...but I wouldn't say
>clinically depressed until I was about 26 (9 years ago). Right around that
>time, I started having panic attacks. I wasn't sure what brought them on,
>but it was pretty bad. The 'fight or flight' mechanism kicking in...but
>nothing to fight or fly from...which only made it worse. And of course, the
>never knowing when one would hit.
>
>Looking back, I had a lot of losses then, which I'm sure attributed to
>things. I had only ever known 3 of my grandparents, and they all passed
>away within a year of each other. Our first family dog had to be put down.
>And a relationship that I was in for a little over 4 years ended (badly).
>The last one was the kicker. I'm one of those people who (used to) meet a
>girl, get involved, and then forget the outside world existed. Bad, of
>course, as once you remove the girl from the equation, there's nothing left.
>And that's where I was. An overwhelming sense of loneliness, emptiness,
>etc. Could not stop crying (damn near 24/7)...couldn't eat, which was
>weird...it wasn't that I was hungry but didn't want to eat...I just wasn't
>hungry. And literally was eating nothing.
>
>I was in college at this time, and living up on campus in an apartment. It
>was a college where 99% of the people went home over the weekend, so
>weekends were very bad. The whole area was like a ghost town. The
>desperation was so bad, that inevitably thoughts of suicide arose. Didn't
>want to live like that, but to be frank, was afraid to die. After a couple
>of weeks tho, it got progressively worse, and the fear of death was
>subsiding. Luckily, it still lingered, and I told a counselor that I was
>seeing that I was petrified that I wouldn't make it through another weekend.
>
>To answer your question...*that* is how I knew when it was bad. In
>hindsight, I certainly should have known before that. It was a Friday that
>I told this to my counselor, and ended up in an institution that day, for
>the next week. The institution didn't want to admit me, as they weren't
>convinced it was a serious enough situation (they saw it as "oh, the guy is
>sad because his girlfriend broke up with him"). Luckily, the counselor I
>was seeing knew better and fought to get me in. If she hadn't, I might not
>be here now.
>
>I don't know if true clinical depression ever goes away. I like to think
>I'm better off now. Married, a 16 month old beautiful daughter, decent job,
>a few close friends *outside* of my marriage...but still, there are days
>when I'm just sad. I've also recently begun seeing a therapist on a regular
>basis, which I think was a good move. I quit smoking a few months ago,
>using Zyban which is really just repackaged Wellbutrin (an anti-depressant).
>Even though I'm comfortable in my quit at this point, I'm staying on the
>Wellbutrin because I don't think being on an anti-depressant is a bad thing
>for me.
>
>If you need to/want to talk about anything, let me know (either on list or
>off is fine).
>
>Charlie
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Paul Ihrig [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> Sent: Wednesday, October 22, 2003 6:45 AM
> To: CF-Community
> Subject: depression
>
>
> just curious if any one on the list has had it.
>
> i have always had it mildly. since i was 12 or so.
> but was always some thing that seemed to be a layer to my personality.
>
> but lately i cant seem to shake this feeling of dread/hopelessness.
> i am sure part of it is not working & self esteem.
>
> but how do you know when it is bad?
>
>
>
>
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