-Caveat Lector-
>From SalonMagazine.CoM
"" For all of these reasons, Tripp's rehab odds are down there with the
likes of O.J. Simpson, Tonya Harding or another misunderstood savior, Ted
Kaczynski (who, in a bit of cosmic serendipity, announced Friday that he
too was embarking on an image-rehab campaign!). ""
Mommie dearest
LINDA TRIPP, AMERICA'S FAVORITE BACK-STABBER AND GHOUL, KICKS OFF HER
LONG-AWAITED NATIONAL REHABILITATION TOUR '99.
BY GARY KAMIYA | The same week an Italian court ruled that a woman wearing
blue jeans could not have been raped and the Rev. Jerry Falwell, in an
ecstatic vision, divined creeping homosexuality in the purple Teletubbie, a
nicely coifed Linda Tripp appeared on NBC's "Today" to tell America that
she did it all to protect Monica.
"I tried to be almost a surrogate mom," Tripp said in a soft, sincere
voice. "She often said, 'I wish I had a mom like you.'" With soft
sincerity, she spoke of her warm feelings toward Monica. Sincerely and
softly, she said, "The notion that [Lewinsky and President Clinton's
relationship] was consensual should offend every mother in the country."
There was so much sincerity and softness in the air that it would have
taken every mother in the country to fumigate the studio.
Tripp, 40 pounds lighter and completely made over since her August
post-grand jury rehab show bombed on the courthouse steps, was tastefully
attired in a checked jacket. Gone were the ungainly wings of hair, which at
various times had given her the unwished-for appearance of a vast, demonic
Pekingese. The formerly Pullman-size bags under her eyes had been reduced
to carry-ons. The Tripp chin, which had tended toward floppiness in her
earlier performances, was trimmer and tighter. Before she began her
rigorous training for the National Rehab Tour, Tripp's face had an
oversize, mannish quality that conjured up unfortunate images of a cackling
hag stirring hideous ingredients in a big iron pot. Now her entire face
looked more tender, more feminine, as if it had been skillfully
sandblasted. Virtually all physical reminders of the bad old Tripp, the
double double toil and trouble, hover through the fog and filthy air Tripp
had been erased.
Tripp's on-camera demeanor also appeared to have benefited from first-class
professional de-wicca-ing. Her expression, as reporter Jamie Gangel grilled
her, remained sensitive and solicitous. The aggressive, quavering
sanctimony of her infamous courthouse-steps appearance, when millions of
Americans ran screaming in terror from their houses after she abruptly
informed them that "I'M YOU," was replaced by a more low-key, affable
persona. Gone was the ineffective Body Snatcher rhetoric; instead, Tripp
spoke, apparently from the region of her heart, of her maternal feelings.
(It appears not to have occurred to her or her handlers that the idea of
Linda Tripp as the Mother of America is a nightmare on an almost Boschian
scale, a kind of metaphysical demon wrapped around existence itself.) "This
was to protect Monica," she said in all candor. Candidly, she revealed that
she had taped her friend to save her life. "She threatened suicide on more
than one occasion," she candidly revealed. She also said that she believed
President Clinton might have, not to put too fine a point on it, put a
contract out on her. "There were threats," she said.
But perhaps sensing that this Vito Clintonioni, Linda Tripp has become a
stone in my shoe line might not be the best choice, Tripp moved on to other
subjects. Flag-waving was her first refuge. Of the taping, she said, "I
thought of it as my patriotic duty." She even, in what may have been a
slight reach, solemnly reminded viewers that she had been an Army wife for
many years.
N E X T+P A G E+| NBC: No tears; New York Times: Tears
MOMMIE DEAREST | PAGE 1, 2
- - - - - - - - - -
At the end of the interview, Gangel said that the country had gone through
a long and divisive ordeal, and the upshot had been that Lewinsky's life
had been ruined and Clinton acquitted. Was it worth it? "I would do it
again," Tripp said.
The "Today" appearance was just one tentacle of a multi-armed media
strategy that Tripp is employing to transform herself from a comic villain,
the Snidely Whiplash of the '90s, into a maternal moral exemplar, the
mother America never had. On Monday, she will perform on Larry King, and
she has also given an interview to the New York Times in which she
reportedly broke down in tears. No tears were visible during the "Today"
broadcast. Whether this is because the tears just wouldn't come, she wished
for some reason to avoid having them captured on film or the print
interview simply made her more emotional remained unclear at press time.
Will the National Rehabilitation Tour '99 (has anyone noticed that such
tours are now announced without irony or even comment in the media, as if
there was nothing peculiar about a private citizen undertaking an enormous
PR campaign?) work? Tripp can surely take heart in the comebacks of such
recent butts-of-all-jokes as Dick Morris and Marv Albert, those dueling
poster boys for the Oral Stage who have graduated from sucking toes and
biting backs to pontificating and calling basketball games. America does
indeed appear to forgive quickly, and a few months of slick media
mumbo-jumbo, better hair and a quick reinsertion into the all-plastic-parts
American spectacle machine can turn just about any misdeed into a
commercial for a smiling, artificial self.
Tripp, however, faces a tougher road than Morris or Albert, or even earlier
mustache-twirlers like Oliver North. Since her position makes it impossible
for her to express formulaic remorse, she doesn't have access to our
formulaic forgiveness, the first stage in the well-defined path that ends
with her being able to walk down to the 7-Eleven without being regarded by
people as someone combining various elements of Goneril, Judas, Lizzie
Borden, Mrs. O'Leary and Tokyo Rose. Moreover, complete personal betrayal
is still regarded by most people as a greater misdeed than doing the nasty,
even with those you ain't supposed to. Finally, we need a permanent comic
villain -- both to put this whole mess behind us, and just because we're
kinda sadistic that way -- and Tripp is too perfect for the role. The
egregiously slimy nature of her offenses -- those smarmy recorded
instructions to Monica to "put the dress in a zip-loc bag," those
"re-created" conversations she manipulated Monica into -- just can't be
plastic-wrapped. They're too ridiculously over the top.
For all of these reasons, Tripp's rehab odds are down there with the likes
of O.J. Simpson, Tonya Harding or another misunderstood savior, Ted
Kaczynski (who, in a bit of cosmic serendipity, announced Friday that he
too was embarking on an image-rehab campaign!). Tripp should either embrace
her fate, starting a new postmodern career as a villainess in Quentin
Tarantino flicks, or move to the friendly confines of the white-supremacist
portion of some Western state, where the idea that Clinton ordered her
whacked will fall on fertile soil. Maybe they'll even declare her their
Honorary Mother.
SALON | Feb. 12, 1999
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