feste37: Happy to be absent entirely from this Afterlife since he believes that utter nonexistence is the most desirable state of all.
--- In [email protected], turquoiseb <no_reply@...> wrote: > > Inspired by David Eagleman's "Sum," I thought I'd spend some time > pondering what the Afterlife will be like for each of us here at > Fairfield Life. This is just for fun, and written off the top of my head > while sitting in a cafe, so I hope no one is offended by being either > included or Left Behind. As to whether these visions are Heaven or Hell, > that's up to each person to decide for themselves. > > Rick Archer -- As prophesied by Nabby, Rick finds himself in a place > full of flames and dark caverns and souls who during life were into the > most low-vibe pursuits imaginable, like enjoying sex and fun, and well, > life. As it turns out, all of the souls he sees around him are > enlightened, because they took one look at the Afterlife Alternative and > decided that harps and halos and sitting around on clouds just wasn't > their idea of how to spend eternity, so they came here instead. As a > result there are an infinite number of people for him to interview for > the BATGAP series, which has been picked up for syndication, making him > a major star. > > emptybill -- Finds himself in an Incredibly Well-Read Afterlife where > literally everyone around him has not only read all the books he's read, > but knows them better than he does, so absolutely no one is impressed by > anything he says. Worst of all, someone named Vaj sits at the right-hand > side of the realm's deity and runs things, and he's terrified it's the > same Vaj. > > curtisdeltablues -- Curtis' Afterlife is a basement blues club, where he > gets to perform onstage with all of the greats of the Delta Blues every > night. The audiences are both knowledgeable about the blues and > appreciative, so his Donation Hat overfloweth. His guitar never goes out > of tune and he has been assigned a personal assistant to clean the spit > out of his harmonica at the end of every gig. On the relationship front, > he's got a three-way going on with Memphis Minnie and Bessie Smith, > which is going pretty well except when they get jealous of his > harmonica-spit girl. > > Ravi Yogi -- Has found an afterlife where almost everyone pays attention > to him, believes that he's enlightened, and hangs on his every word as > if he were important and special. His ex-wife still thinks he's a > low-vibe dork, though, so he's still miserable. > > Robert -- Finds himself in a fantasy landscape that bears no resemblance > to anything that anyone in any loka of the universe would consider > reality. He kinda likes it. > > Tom Pall -- Is the only white guy in his Afterlife and thus has trouble > finding a job and gets a lot of unwanted attention from the cops because > of racial profiling. He longs to attend Afterlife University to improve > his job prospects, but they abolished the Affirmative Action program > millennia ago so he can't get in. > > whynotnow -- Inhabits a realm so spiritual that the only criterion for > being considered enlightened is claiming that you are. No one pays any > more attention to him there than they did back on Earth. > > raunchydog -- Her Afterlife is a world in which women run everything. > Hillary Clinton is President and Barack Obama is in jail serving > consecutive Afterlife sentences for the murder of Bin Laden and for > being (spit) a man. She still finds things to bitch about. > > cardemaister -- Lives in a world in which everyone speaks a different > language, and all of them are even more confusing and enigmatic than > Sanskrit. He's happy as a clam. > > FFL PostCount -- Has really nothing to do because in the Afterlife there > are no posting limits. He counts angels on the heads of pins to pass the > time. > > tartbrain -- Is in a non-dualistic Afterlife. There are no "pairs of > opposites." Instead, every issue has hundreds of thousands of equally > valid ways of looking at it. He writes posts that attempt to cover all > the bases. > > WillyTex -- Emerges from the Bardo to find himself still in Texas. > Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change. > > wayback71 -- Is the most balanced, fair, and well-liked person in the > Afterlife, just as she was in life. > > seventhray1 -- Is stuck in an Afterlife where everyone reacts to > everything that everyone says with "Good one." He's finding it kinda > boring after only a week, and is not looking forward to eternity. > > Bhairitu -- Finds himself in the most beautiful, perfectly-run, and > high-vibe loka in the universe. He's convinced that it's all a > conspiracy and that any moment the gourmet dinner being served to him by > beautiful naked devatas is going to be revealed as the shit sandwich it > really is. > > Mike Dixon -- Lives in a kind of militaristic Afterlife. "Onward > Christian Soldiers" plays non-stop on the P.A. system, and will be the > only song ever played on it, for eternity. > > Vaj -- Sits at the right hand of his Afterlife's deity, but is not > completely convinced that the guy meets all ten thousand of the > traditional criteria for being a deity, so disses him behind his back. > > Xenophaneros Anartaxius -- Doesn't really exist in any particular > Afterlife. He just pops in and out of all of them, making wise comments > and then moving on to the next one. > > nablusoss1008 -- Is in a Space Brothers Afterlife. Little green men > perform experiments on his anus that involve a scalpel, but he thinks > it's OK because afterward they tell him how important he is. > > merudanda -- Has a perfectly fine Afterlife but still Googles > interesting stuff and posts it back on Earth Internet because it's fun. > > merlin -- Is in charge of his Afterlife's Ministry Of Propaganda. > > Sal Sunshine -- Was recently named the Smartest Person In Her Afterlife. > She accepted it with the same "If you say so" grace that she handled > being called Stupid Sal back on Earth. > > sparaig -- Arrived in his Afterlife to be told by its deity that he'd > been meditating wrong all this time and that he needed a good checking. > Ignored it the same way he did back in his former life. > > John (jr_esq) -- Is in an Afterlife where everyone has so little > discrimination and common sense that they believe in Jyotish even though > there are no visible stars or planets in that realm, and that every word > he utters is as wise and as full of Truth as if it had come from the > Vedic Literature itself. He's happy as a clam. > > Paolo Barbosa -- Finds himself in a cloud realm surrounded by Jesus and > angels and harps and halos. He's a little bored because there is no one > to preach at and convert. > > Peter (drpetersutphen) -- Was recently voted Most Valuable Player on his > Afterlife's Blazing Baseballs Of Brahman team. He still plays drums, but > they make no sound because some wuss complained about the noise. > > authfriend (Judy Stein) -- Has surrounded herself with a "posse" of > hangers-on who agree with everything she says, consider it > authoritative, and "pile on" whenever she disses one of her enemies. On > the other hand, in this Afterlife almost everyone (including the posse) > has figured out her act and won't engage in any of her endless > arguments, so in order to achieve that oh-so-important-to-her feeling of > having "won," she has been reduced to provoking arguments with WillyTex. > Oh. Wait. That's not the Afterlife at all. That's already happened. > > turquoiseb (Barry Wright) -- You guys can write this one. It's only > fair. :-) >
