--- In [email protected], turquoiseb <no_reply@...> wrote: > > Inspired by David Eagleman's "Sum," I thought I'd spend some time > pondering what the Afterlife will be like for each of us here at > Fairfield Life. This is just for fun, and written off the top of my head > while sitting in a cafe, so I hope no one is offended by being either > included or Left Behind. As to whether these visions are Heaven or Hell, > that's up to each person to decide for themselves. > > Rick Archer -- As prophesied by Nabby, Rick finds himself in a place > full of flames and dark caverns and souls who during life were into the > most low-vibe pursuits imaginable, like enjoying sex and fun, and well, > life. As it turns out, all of the souls he sees around him are > enlightened, because they took one look at the Afterlife Alternative and > decided that harps and halos and sitting around on clouds just wasn't > their idea of how to spend eternity, so they came here instead. As a > result there are an infinite number of people for him to interview for > the BATGAP series, which has been picked up for syndication, making him > a major star.
And then he came upon the Supreme Being (no not Peter, one of Peter's cousins) and asked if he could interview him for BatGap. It went sort of like this, "So God, tell me about when your shift of consciousness occurred? Was it a big moment like getting hit with a bus, or was it like gradual? > > emptybill -- Finds himself in an Incredibly Well-Read Afterlife where > literally everyone around him has not only read all the books he's read, > but knows them better than he does, so absolutely no one is impressed by > anything he says. Worst of all, someone named Vaj sits at the right-hand > side of the realm's deity and runs things, and he's terrified it's the > same Vaj. > > curtisdeltablues -- Curtis' Afterlife is a basement blues club, where he > gets to perform onstage with all of the greats of the Delta Blues every > night. The audiences are both knowledgeable about the blues and > appreciative, so his Donation Hat overfloweth. His guitar never goes out > of tune and he has been assigned a personal assistant to clean the spit > out of his harmonica at the end of every gig. On the relationship front, > he's got a three-way going on with Memphis Minnie and Bessie Smith, > which is going pretty well except when they get jealous of his > harmonica-spit girl. And then he saw Richard Dawkins and down one of the celestial corridors (yup, the ones leading to the secret "back rooms" where all the cool parties were) and they looked at each other and similtaneously said "Oh Shit!" > > Ravi Yogi -- Has found an afterlife where almost everyone pays attention > to him, believes that he's enlightened, and hangs on his every word as > if he were important and special. His ex-wife still thinks he's a > low-vibe dork, though, so he's still miserable. > > Robert -- Finds himself in a fantasy landscape that bears no resemblance > to anything that anyone in any loka of the universe would consider > reality. He kinda likes it. > > Tom Pall -- Is the only white guy in his Afterlife and thus has trouble > finding a job and gets a lot of unwanted attention from the cops because > of racial profiling. He longs to attend Afterlife University to improve > his job prospects, but they abolished the Affirmative Action program > millennia ago so he can't get in. But he paid for God to go on a Coherhence Breath Course and everything was kewl after that. > > whynotnow -- Inhabits a realm so spiritual that the only criterion for > being considered enlightened is claiming that you are. No one pays any > more attention to him there than they did back on Earth. > Totally shit in his golden light dohti when he saw Turq and Vaj were two merged aspects of the One Supreme Diety who have, are adn will rule the known and unkownd worlds for eternity.. > raunchydog -- Her Afterlife is a world in which women run everything. > Hillary Clinton is President and Barack Obama is in jail serving > consecutive Afterlife sentences for the murder of Bin Laden and for > being (spit) a man. She still finds things to bitch about. > > cardemaister -- Lives in a world in which everyone speaks a different > language, and all of them are even more confusing and enigmatic than > Sanskrit. He's happy as a clam. And actually that world was an early flying room, when 100 guys were shouting in tongues and Card realized that "Aka taba swam gaba shan dhan" shouted by on fellow was an early version of the beginning of the Rig Veda. > > FFL PostCount -- Has really nothing to do because in the Afterlife there > are no posting limits. He counts angels on the heads of pins to pass the > time. > > tartbrain -- Is in a non-dualistic Afterlife. There are no "pairs of > opposites." Instead, every issue has hundreds of thousands of equally > valid ways of looking at it. He writes posts that attempt to cover all > the bases. > And the heavenly ROTC guys tracked him down and said "Take this non-violent resistance" and punched Tart across the universe. At which time tart said, "well he does have a point" > WillyTex -- Emerges from the Bardo to find himself still in Texas. > Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change. > > wayback71 -- Is the most balanced, fair, and well-liked person in the > Afterlife, just as she was in life. > > seventhray1 -- Is stuck in an Afterlife where everyone reacts to > everything that everyone says with "Good one." He's finding it kinda > boring after only a week, and is not looking forward to eternity. > > Bhairitu -- Finds himself in the most beautiful, perfectly-run, and > high-vibe loka in the universe. He's convinced that it's all a > conspiracy and that any moment the gourmet dinner being served to him by > beautiful naked devatas is going to be revealed as the shit sandwich it > really is. > > Mike Dixon -- Lives in a kind of militaristic Afterlife. "Onward > Christian Soldiers" plays non-stop on the P.A. system, and will be the > only song ever played on it, for eternity. > > Vaj -- Sits at the right hand of his Afterlife's deity, but is not > completely convinced that the guy meets all ten thousand of the > traditional criteria for being a deity, so disses him behind his back. But then he had a transmission and it was ALL very clear to him, but then said "f*ck it, you would never understand". > > Xenophaneros Anartaxius -- Doesn't really exist in any particular > Afterlife. He just pops in and out of all of them, making wise comments > and then moving on to the next one. > > nablusoss1008 -- Is in a Space Brothers Afterlife. Little green men > perform experiments on his anus that involve a scalpel, but he thinks > it's OK because afterward they tell him how important he is. > > merudanda -- Has a perfectly fine Afterlife but still Googles > interesting stuff and posts it back on Earth Internet because it's fun. > > merlin -- Is in charge of his Afterlife's Ministry Of Propaganda. > > Sal Sunshine -- Was recently named the Smartest Person In Her Afterlife. > She accepted it with the same "If you say so" grace that she handled > being called Stupid Sal back on Earth. And then she remembered a song lyric that captured the moment perfectly. An then mumbled something about the goons at Mum. > > sparaig -- Arrived in his Afterlife to be told by its deity that he'd > been meditating wrong all this time and that he needed a good checking. > Ignored it the same way he did back in his former life. > > John (jr_esq) -- Is in an Afterlife where everyone has so little > discrimination and common sense that they believe in Jyotish even though > there are no visible stars or planets in that realm, and that every word > he utters is as wise and as full of Truth as if it had come from the > Vedic Literature itself. He's happy as a clam. > > Paolo Barbosa -- Finds himself in a cloud realm surrounded by Jesus and > angels and harps and halos. He's a little bored because there is no one > to preach at and convert. > > Peter (drpetersutphen) -- Was recently voted Most Valuable Player on his > Afterlife's Blazing Baseballs Of Brahman team. He still plays drums, but > they make no sound because some wuss complained about the noise. But they made him sit alone at the end of the bench because he kept insisting that "there is no sign anywhere of Peter, within me, within the mind of God or within the created or uncreated worlds.". > > authfriend (Judy Stein) -- Has surrounded herself with a "posse" of > hangers-on who agree with everything she says, consider it > authoritative, and "pile on" whenever she disses one of her enemies. On > the other hand, in this Afterlife almost everyone (including the posse) > has figured out her act and won't engage in any of her endless > arguments, so in order to achieve that oh-so-important-to-her feeling of > having "won," she has been reduced to provoking arguments with WillyTex. > Oh. Wait. That's not the Afterlife at all. That's already happened. > > turquoiseb (Barry Wright) -- You guys can write this one. It's only > fair. :-) >
