--- [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote:
> Too true, Colin. Everyone heals at their own pace, and
> the pace of society dictates that we "snap out of it,"
> the moment our suffering becomes inconvenient.
> Eventually "your heart gets up to go," (quoting Patty
> Larkin...), but only when it's ready to. Less than a
> year just doesn't seem like enough time for much of
> anything to heal.
>
for some people, i believe that it is pretty much impossible to heal
completely, try as one might, from something so hurtful. i think that
when people tell you to "get over it" they may be saying that to ease
the pain 'they' feel inside over whatever it is 'you' are in pain over.
they need to 'do' something, make your pain go away, fix it...and so
... if they say.."get over it", or "time heals" or whatever, i think
it's a way of saying hey, i really love you and care about you and
cannot stand to see you in so much pain. it is never easy to see
someone you love in pain and that helpless feeling is so awful.
ive got some things id like to say about writing and not writing to the
list. i know that i have written to the list, opened my heart wide
open, sharing what it was like to relinquish my son to adoption. i have
done this in part to share that story in what i consider a safe and
welcoming place to do so, and as i recently mentioned, and i mean this
with all my heart, to perhaps give some insight into what the situation
may be like for joni. my bottom line is that reunion does not magically
make all the past pain disappear...and reunion is not the land of oz,
the happily ever after place that it is sometimes made out to be. and
all that said, it is blissfully wonderful provided that you have a
tonne of support , ongoing.
i come back to victor's notion of this space as our journal. here, we
celebrate the extraordinariness of ordinary lives. i also know and
respect that some people are not comfortable with the telling of
personal tales, or imagining what it would be like for joni...that
said, i still think it is okay to go to there, sometimes.
i am well aware that everyone's adoption/relinquishment story is
different, there are just some aspects of the 'inside story' that can
only be known one way, and that is to share it, from the inside out,
from the centre. sometimes i find myself writing, words gush like a dam
burst wide open, thoughts and feelings fly...and once i hit that send
button, i think omg what have i done now and then it is too late, it is
gone. it is in my nature to be wide open and that is just what i tend
to do.
what am i getting at here. sometimes, when ive written something to the
list, i have also experienced a *thud* as it were. no response to
anything ive said. and i know others have felt this. they have told me
so. and i think what??? why? and that would just feed into my original
omg sentiment ... making me want to go back into lurk mode and just
keep my mouth shut. and then days, weeks and months pass by and for
some other reason, i may be in touch with a lister about a totally
different subject and i am told things like 'i always read your
posts...i always enjoy your posts..you are a real writer..things like
that. And of course, i am touched by that acknowledgement and am moved
deeply that i have been heard or that i have touched someone.
and then i think about all the wonderful posts i read every day. and
how much i really want to write back to someone or some subject, and
then a day or two or three slips by and suddenly i cannot find that
post. or I am too tired to. understatement, this past year has been
very challenging, and sometimes i've not had the time or tolerance or
patience that i might have had in the past. or i have felt completely
misunderstood or not heard period. and therein lies so much
frustration.
i suppose there are a zillion reasons people dont write, and i dont
pretend to know all of them, i can only speculate on a few. ive written
heartfelt things to people off list and get nothing back time and time
again. like a slap in the head. Lost in cyber space, lost in the rush
of another's life. who knows. all i can do is try and try again and
write because that's what i love to do most of all. reach out. share.
isnt that the point? if it isnt, then i dont know what is.
and Colin, I agree wholeheartedly, I think that September 11th has
affected us deeply.
and btw, Colin, 21 years is a big deal.
love,
Mags.
with only 8 more days at work.
=====
You open my heart, you do.
Yes you do.
- JM
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