(v) a lack of any intellectual framework in which to even formulate my difficulties, let alone work them out,
I think the pursuit of a solution to (v) should give you some relief on (i)->(iv) and (vi)->(vii). Unfortunately (vi) will probably be around for a long time though unless you can find a way to persuade others to study with you. Still it won't matter so much if you succeed at fixing (v). On Jan 17, 7:52 pm, Twirlip <[email protected]> wrote: > On Jan 17, 4:32 pm, ornamentalmind <[email protected]> wrote: > > > Just one small observation about depression…and I do not mean to imply > > it directly is applicable to you too…but… I long ago learned how easy > > it is to feed upon such extreme angst and in that way, perpetuated the > > duration as well as on occasion, the depth of such episodes. Take or > > leave this sharing as you will. Often the ‘bitter pill’ is that one no > > longer need ‘emote’ in what has all too long been familiar ways. > > I can sort of understand that, but at least part of the problem is > that there are real factors underlying my depression (which is another > of those unmentioned reasons why I usually find it unhelpful to think > of depression as an 'illness'), such as (i) the collapse of a fragile > construction of the only career I could imagine for myself, (ii) > almost lifelong silence and isolation, (iii) being transgendered, and > unable to find any framework whatsoever into which my gender identity > and sexuality can be contained and expressed, (iv) powerful social > pressures to continue in the same despairing pretence that broke down > at age 19 or 20 and led to my depression, (v) a lack of any > intellectual framework in which to even formulate my difficulties, let > alone work them out, (vi) truly bizarre and abusive responses from > other people, not easily classified under (iii)-(v) above, (vii) a > lifelong submissiveness towards other people's judgements, quite > promiscuously and indiscriminately, coupled with a quite ferocious > inner devaluation of my own thoughts and feelings and perceptions, and > a futile kind of intellectual rebellion which only distances me > further from reality and, by its inevitable collapse, only condemns me > further to slave-like submission to a socially constructed 'reality' > in which I do not at all believe (a but like /The Matrix/), (viii) a > complete non-recognition of the significance of the kind of family > environment in which I grew up (partly due to my own reluctance to > talk about it, for fear of not being believed, and/or being accused of > whining like a child), and ... and ... > > And that's only a first stab at it - I'm sure I could easily list many > other real obstacles to me actually living a human life in society > with other human beings. > > It isn't that I haven't tried, or that I have focussed obsessively on > some mistaken conscious perception of my own condition or my own > identity. In my 57 (going on 58) years, I have tried many things, and > my ferocious self-criticism has not allowed me to rest easy for a day. > > However, I have a growing conviction that, whatever causes for my > misery may exist in external 'reality', either in the past or in the > present, even these causes are invariably expressed through my own > 'self', and a truer sense of reality, both external and internal at > once, can enable me to recover my freedom, or even to find it for the > first time. > > I didn't mean to go on for so long - my aim in coming here was, while > not denying my state of depression, to focus on what is objectively > real (not, of course, in the sense of scientific or even purely > rational 'objectivity'). > > Pursuing this line of conversation too long would illustrate the truth > of what you are saying. :-)
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