As part of my ongoing examination of promotional rhetoric in our
hobby, and effort to not be such a MOPO wallflower, I turn to the
much-discussed area of shipping, packaging, and “handling.” The latter
is of course the most ambiguous term of the three--it’s pretty clear
what shipping and packaging mean, but handling is the one they
sometimes get you with. “handling” is the one with all the wiggle
room, and if you’ve ever been handled, you know that wiggle room is a
big part of the experience. “No, your honor, that was just a handling
charge,” is something they hear quite often at the bench in our
district courts, usually in vice cases. It’s something of a loophole,
and if you can get handled in a situation where there is a loophole
and enough wiggle room, you just might get off. I am speaking here in
legal terms, of course.
But I want to focus here about packaging--specifically “Gorilla-Proof”
packaging. I have seen this type of packaging touted by a number of
dealers. (I don’t remember whether Bruce is one of them, but let me be
explicit that this post is NOT ABOUT HIM. It is about anyone and
everyone EXCEPT HIM). A quick search on Ebay tonight brings up 2240
listings using the phrase “gorilla proof.” Let us estimate that 20% of
them are listings for actual anti-gorilla storage boxes, locks that
gorillas cannot pick, paint that is much more than just waterproof,
and plans that are far more than just foolproof. One or two might be
for mathematical proofs involving gorillas, like the reflexive
property of gorillas, distributive property of gorillas, etc. But the
rest are probably packaging claims. Exactly half--1120--of the
listings are in the entertainment memorabilia category. That number
will of course fluctuate as auctions end and start, so don’t hold me
to it, but you must agree that makes it pertinent to this forum. If
you are starting to feel otherwise, now would be a very good time to
utilize the delete button.
Whose packaging is truly gorilla proof? If there is a key to this
discussion, and that is doubtful, this is it. One of the Ebay sellers
making such claims in all their listings is from here in Portland, so
I was able to go over and have a look for myself. Sure enough, the
proprietor or “Old Weird Heralds” actually has a gorilla on staff who
is employed to try to open, bend, or otherwise damage packages prior
to their posting. Any that do not pass the test are sent back to the
front office for repackaging, which is done by other non-gorilla
primates. Personally I think they should get a Gorilla into the front
office as a consultant--be a little more proactive--but they have a
system, and it seems to work.
Continuing my research, I took several of my own movie poster
shipments straight from the postman’s hands down to the Washington
Park zoo, where I scientifically lobbed them over the fence into the
Gorilla compound. Here are the results:
Package #1 (from Rich Halegua’s movieposterbid.com) One gorilla was
unable to open, bend or damage the package. However, after consulting
with another gorilla, he was able to devise an ad-hoc tool which he
used to pick loose enough packing tape to get a start at opening the
package. After some effort he extracted the poster, an insert for
“Planet of the Apes”, which he studied carefully for some time before
retreating with several of his peers into the interior of the habitat
for what looked like some sort of planning session. I should add that
this insert was paper-backed,with minor restoration at the folds).
Package #2 (from Heritage) This was a rolled poster in a tube--King
Kong (R 1957) one-sheet. The gorilla was able to chew through the
strapping tape securing the plastic lid to the tube, and extract the
poster. It took him 19.5% longer to do so, however, than with a
similar package purchased from a prominent midwestern dealer whom this
post is not about.
Package #3 (also from Heritage--flat packed). This was actually not a
purchase but a returned consignment Heritage sent back to us after we
mutually agreed it would be preferable that they not auction the
items. The gorilla got it open after fifteen minutes, but flew into a
rage when only one poster was inside. We had sent them three posters
(one was the extremely valuable recalled x-rated release of “Bang the
Drum Slowly”) and have our original inventory sheet to prove it, which
our pet gibbon Mr. Roberts had jotted down on a note card at some
point in the past. The Gorilla bit off two fingers of a keeper,
escaped the zoo, climbed the Hawthorne Bridge, (a local historic
landmark featured in the unwatchable movie "The Hunted") destroyed a
news helicopter that got too close, and plunged into the Willamette
River, which by the way is not pronounced “Willa-met,” but rather
rhymes with “goddammit.” Our lawyers will be contacting Heritage
posthaste.
As a result I am for too upset to continue with the analysis of my
research, so I must call it inconclusive at this point. However, I am
considering a prolonged trip to Indonesia, so if any of the sellers
here can promise Komodo Dragon proof shipping, please let me know and
I will respond with my wants list.
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