���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Okay...so Purehumour is coming late again...just got back from a wild weekend in Regina, Saskatchewan...if anything can be wild in Saskatchewan! ;) Hit a terrible snowstorm on the way home...but we made it through...gave my 16 year old son some driving experience that he didn't really want...and added a few grey hairs to my head... but we survived! The weekends just keep piling up on me...I have been absent every weekend since April 5th and I just had another weekend added to those absences...so I am going to rearrange my publishing schedule for my weekend ezines to accommodate my absences if I can find the time to put them together! Please note the return of the Ugrin links in this issue...these links are being promoted on numerous ezines...mine was one that was selected...these links are different than any other of the toon sites as they are hosted on different servers...my site is currently host to six pages with more on the way! Today's issue includes contributions by: Daryl, (yes my son!), SunAmy, The Posens, Stan, Marina, John. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Did you hear about the blonde who got a Toy Poodle for her Birthday? She Killed It Trying To Get The Batteries Up It's Butt! ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Suicide, Who needs a gun? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.235 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.235 Where's it going?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.78 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.78 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Real people...real cameras....24 hours per day...right into your house! Watch what really goes on behind closed doors! This is NOT a porn site...this is where YOU go to meet and be with people with similar interests...chatrooms, message boards and much more! <a href=" http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932 ">Click</a> http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastors son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell." "No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?" "Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Jeni: "So this really drunk, obnoxious 'Mr. Hands' kept bothering me at the party last weekend." Debi: "What happened?" Jeni: "Well, he cornered me, pulled his thing out of his pants, and asked me, "Do you want to suck it?" Debi: "Shit; what did you do?" Jeni: "Well, I think I handled it pretty well. I just said, "No, you go ahead. You don't have enough to share." ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Do you surf all the channels? Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should be changed regularly.....and for the same reason -Unknown ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Y2k Sale... DO NOT LAUGH! <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.82 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.82 I just can't seem to tan... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.102 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.102 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Three guys were once discussing the perfect nickname for their penis. The American, "I call mine the SOLDIER 'coz he stands up the minute I give an order." The Brit, "I call mine the GENTLEMAN 'coz he stands up the minute a woman passes by." The French, "I call mine GOSSIP 'coz he moves from one woman's mouth to another." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Oral Sex Coupon <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sc.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sc.html Computer Tip Of The Day <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tip8.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tip8.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A guy is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker. He asks, "How much?" She says, "Twenty bucks." He says, "All right!" They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker. They go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her $25. She says, "Why the extra five?" He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new and fun creation...get him for FREE at: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Limericks! Said a young whore known as Mable Who at fucking is willing and able, "It's a pity to waste All that Juicy white paste," So she served it in bowls at the table. There was an old priest of Penrang, Wound a spiked ampallang round his whang. When they asked, "Why'd you do it?" The priest said, "Oh, screw it! It's just for the young girls I bang." A person of most any nation If afflicted with bad constipation, Can shove a cuirass Up the crack of his ass, But it isn't a pleasing sensation. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ���-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------��� Send your questions to Aggie NOW! NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/";>Dear Aggie</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/ ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Dumb Blonde... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.108 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.108 Don't panic!! <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.611 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.611 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!" The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold." "Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!" "Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time." The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!' This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?!" "You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?" "Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!" "Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!" ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally, I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room. "No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Computer Tip Of The Day <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tip16.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tip16.html Kissing The Golf Trophy <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/golftrophy.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/golftrophy.html ���-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------��� A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj The rest of the dogs joined in. The jam spread across the floor would keep them through the night. This was all they were sure of. As the next day came, the dogs became more comfortable in their surroundings. They ate the preserved fruit and began to talk more freely, as they realized the family couldn't hear them. The only dog that didn't seem to relax was Rex. He sat in the corner, by himself and hardly said a word. Sam knew something was wrong. Rex was normally loud, abrasive, and head strong, just like Doberman's were supposed to be. Sam was afraid to ask Rex what was the matter, he cared but didn't want to hear the answer. Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� George W Bush is not too tolerant for the blacks and the Jewish people. He was a speaker at a Jewish affair. He was served matzo ball soup and refused it, but was told to taste it, and if he didn't like it, the rest could be left over. At least ,show the people that you tried it. He tasted the soup and liked it, in fact, the entire matzo ball soup was devoured. He asked "Is there any other part of the matzo that people can eat beside the ball ? ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Dieting... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.612 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.612 Put it down... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.613 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.613 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� [Not really weird news...but a fun thing to get involved in anyway!] Fans of David Beckham are being asked to send him email birthday greetings in an attempt to break a world record. If Beckham receives more than 2,600 e-cards on May 2 he will reportedly break the record for the most online birthday greetings ever received. The current record is reportedly held by his wife Victoria from her 26th birthday in April 2000. Fans can send Beckham a card to celebrate his 27th birthday, by logging on to www.virgin.net/beckham from midnight on May 2. Greeting cards will then be sent via a special message centre. Virgin.net are planning to deliver the virtual birthday cards to Beckham, as he rests his broken foot. A spokesman for the website said: "David Beckham is Britain's best and most famous footballer, and in this World Cup year, Virgin.net wanted to mark the occasion of his birthday in record-breaking style. "He is one of the most searched for football players on the website and we're giving footie-mad surfers the chance to wish one of their biggest heroes a happy birthday. "With Beckham's world-wide fan base, we expect to blow the previous record out of the water." Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Anni buys a ticket and wins the New York lottery. She goes to Wall Street to claim it and a State Auditor verifies his ticket number. Anni says, "Great...I want my $20 million in cash." The Official replied, "No, ma'am. It doesn't work that way. We give you a Certified Check for a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out as an annuity for the next 19 years." Anni screamed, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it all !" Again, the man explain that she would only get a million that day, and the rest at a million per year for the next 19 years. Anni, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million cash right now, then I want my dollar back!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] P I S T O L J A C K P O T [||||] Conflicting tattoos and arguments over who had the fewest teeth left are being cited by Laughlin, NV gendarmes for two am gunplay in Harrah's that sent three kick starters to Harley heaven. (LA Times) Terrified bystanders dove for cover but somehow managed to continue yanking their one armed bandits while lying on the floor. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?" The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth. A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says. He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him. "Mister", she says, "Have you ever been Fucked?" "No", he says with a hopeful grin. "Well, you are now. The tide's coming in." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Never Pay for Condoms! Check out FreeCondoms.com... <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click here</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Lost items... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.614 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.614 Freshly ground... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.615 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.615 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled: "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?" Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!" ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� How does a homosexual remove a condom? He farts! ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� This Week's Laughing Stalk by Erik Deckers I hated math when I was a kid. I thought it was stupid, and that anyone who was good at it was some sort of freak. I swore I would never use it, and refused to accept that math would actually help me when I got older. So you can understand how frustrating this was to my father, a psychology professor who teaches upper-level statistics, or my stepfather, who scored in the top 1st percentile on his high school math proficiency tests. When I was in the sixth grade, I could read at a high school senior reading level, but I couldn't reduce fractions to save my life. Even when I was in the fourth grade, I could read at a senior reading level, but was convinced I would never need long division. Surprisingly, I have used both of these more than a few times as an adult. What are the odds? But I never took high school geometry, was frightened by the thought of trigonometry, and I would curl into a fetal ball whenever anyone mentioned calculus. As a result, I was so bad at math that I had to take a preliminary math course in college before they would let me take regular college algebra. And I even managed to get a B. So it's rather ironic when you consider that despite my earlier aversion to math, I use it all the time in my regular job. Among other things I sell building products to contractors. They tell me how big the project is, and I tell them what and how much they'll need, and how much it costs. I've done this so often that I can do it in my head 70% of the time. The other 45% of the time I need a calculator. So why the big change? For one thing, this is real math. This isn't abstract, no-bearing-on-the-real-world math they teach in school. My high school math was no reflection of what I was going to do with my life, unless I became a math teacher, and no one could tell me why. In algebra, no one could explain the importance of being able to "solve for X" in a problem like "x + 95 = 3x + 32" and showing every step of my work. It's not like it would save lives, make life easier for the elderly, or make me rich. Even 20 years later, being able to solve for X can't even get rid of that popping sound I get in my jaw when I eat something really chewy. I have never been in the middle of writing a marketing proposal and suddenly said, "Oh wow, if I solve for X right here, I could save the company thousands of dollars!" I have never submitted a quote to a customer and only gotten part of the order "because you didn't show your work." And I have never, ever had to answer the question "A train leaves Cleveland for Los Angeles traveling at 60 miles per hour. Another train leaves Los Angeles for Cleveland traveling at 70 miles per hour. At what time will the two trains collide in Oklahoma?" I wish my math teachers had taught me something more useful to my everyday life instead. "A truck carrying a big order to a very important customer leaves your warehouse for Sarasota, Florida at 55 miles per hour and is scheduled to arrive in three days. How loud will you have to shout at the dispatcher to make him understand the damn thing is supposed to be there in two days?" Even now, I'm not convinced that higher-level math is crucial to the everyday lives of ordinary people. But I could be wrong. It's entirely possible that math is even dangerous. On the AlgebraHelp.com website (www.algebrahelp.com). they have an online equation calculator that students can use to check their work. This is supposed to be a study aide, and not a site that students would use to actually DO their work, right? AlgebraHelp.com proudly offers the latest version of their equation calculator, although they don't guarantee its accuracy. In a disclaimer they warn people who might use it: "Do not use this calculator in any way which may put people or property at risk." I'm sorry, but people and property are not "put at risk" by incorrectly using an algebra calculator. This is algebra, not defusing bombs. "Oh my God, the answer was x = 37, but I put down x = 49, and Tiffany exploded!" AlgebraHelp.com will even show every step of the process they used, so you can check it against every step that you took to arrive at your answer. Of course, students would never copy this information for themselves, right? But what's the big deal about showing your work? Isn't getting the right answer more important than the process you took? Or are we saying that the process is just as important, if not more important, than the end result? What kind of message does it send to kids when they only receive partial credit for getting the right answer, but failed to use the same process the teacher showed them? Fire Chief: Bruce, you rescued those 15 orphans and puppies from that burning building, but since you didn't use the map I drew for you, I'm afraid I'm going to have to dock your pay. Firefighter Bruce: But Chief, I found five more orphans than we knew about. Fire Chief: I was very specific in my instructions, Bruce. If it happens again, you're fired. I realize math is important and useful to our every day lives, second only to being able to read and write, but I still feel the usefulness of higher-level math has been artificially inflated in some giant math conspiracy, in an effort to make other extremely important skills useless in the day-to-day functioning of society. Like being able to play French Horn in a medium-sized high school orchestra. I'm sure that's got to be useful somehow. -- Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at http://www.kconline.com/deckers. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! Amazinganal.com <a href="http://www2.amazinganal.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=aa&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.amazinganal.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=aa&program=unique Amazinggangbangs.com <a href="http://www2.amazinggangbangs.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=ag&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.amazinggangbangs.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=ag&program=unique Analsweeties.com <a href="http://www2.analsweeties.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=as&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.analsweeties.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=as&program=unique Asiantease.com <a href="http://www2.asiantease.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=at&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.asiantease.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=at&program=unique Beaverpalace.com <a href="http://www2.beaverpalace.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=bp&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.beaverpalace.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=bp&program=unique Beachteens.com <a href="http://www2.beachteens.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=bt&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.beachteens.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=bt&program=unique Boyforboy.com <a href="http://www2.boyforboy.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=bf&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.boyforboy.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=bf&program=unique Celebhotel.com <a href="http://www2.celebhotel.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=ce&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.celebhotel.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=ce&program=unique Circuspenis.com <a href="http://www2.circuspenis.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=cp&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.circuspenis.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=cp&program=unique Clubtitties.com <a href="http://www2.clubtitties.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=tt&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.clubtitties.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=tt&program=unique More adult sites: http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/adult/ ���--------------------------EZINE RESOURCES--------------------��� These are the location of some of the best ezines on the net... if you like mine...check out some of these others: Get anything from Astrology to Zebras for FREE! 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If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this issue...please hit delete! 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