���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Congratulations to Queen Elizabeth II on her 50th Jubilee...the occasion is being marked by celebrations and special events... last night a huge concert took place at Buckingham Palace and featured many of Great Britain's greatest stars including Sir Paul McCartney, Eric Clapton and Elton John. With Elton John's appearance at the Palace there were actually two British Queens in attendance! ;) Today marks the introduction of the new "Non-Smoking Section" in Purehumour. When you reach that part please refrain from smoking to comply with the new internet anti-smoking by-laws. Anyone not complying with this by-law could be subject to fines and/or imprisonment. They ARE watching you! Today's issue includes contributions by: Di Ann, Amanda, SunAmy, Rubin, Keli, Ishy, Pat, Aimee, Marina, Marsha. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: What's the difference between secretaries and wives? Secretaries get a little behind at work; wives get a big behind at home. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Where's the lock?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.652 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.652 Pushing the button... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.653 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.653 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Pop-ups getting you down...can't surf in peace anymore because every site you visit pops-up a new one?....Well check this out...no more pop-ups or pop-unders and this one works on its own...no input from you required...try it FREE right now! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/27.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/27.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Excuses for not performing fellatio 10. I thought only gay guys like that 9. I'll gag and blow chunks all over you 8. My head-gear will get in the way 7. I had a traumatic Popsicle accident as a child 6. Sorry Joe, no sucky sucky!! 5. Do you piss with that thing ? 4. I choke on small bones 3. I'm afraid of getting pregnant 2. Do it yourself, like the dog you are 1. I Never wil......0;x&4x9mv%G...uugh ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One day down by a river, a preacher had just baptized a young lady. A few minutes later, a drunk, non-religious man walked by the river. The preacher said to him, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk said yes. The preacher got him in the water, dipped him in and then raised him back up. He said, "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk said no. The preacher again dipped him in and raised him back up. The preacher said, "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk again said no. The preacher dipped him and raised him up for a third time. He said, "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk said, "Are you sure he fell in here?" ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Are you a sport? Nudge nudge...wink wink! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards in emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch." -Dave James ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Love is... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.654 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.654 Just melt it away... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.655 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.655 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. "Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" "Er--right." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?" "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"? ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Kiss My Ass <a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/001.html ">Click</a> http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/001.html Macho <a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/002.html ">Click</a> http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/002.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� These days, with all the emphasis on one's physical fitness, a new organization has sprung up called "Athletics Anonymous." When you get the urge to play golf, tennis, go power-walking or bicycle riding (or anything else involving a type of physical activity), they send someone over to drink with you until the urge passes. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new and fun creation...get him for FREE at: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother." ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� "The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Gross... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.656 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.656 Nasty stripper... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.657 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.657 ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> Why Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Travel (obviously these folks slept thru High School!) The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: 1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. 2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" 3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa." Her response was "click". 4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." 5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map." 6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time." 7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! 8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. 9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them. 10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever." 11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express." 12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!" <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute. A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis. The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!" "Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?" "Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Target Practice <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/obl.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/obl.html Coffee Mug For NonMorning People <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/fmp.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/fmp.html ���-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------��� A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj Sam wondered what the dogs on the outside were doing. Were they trying to get in the basement? Were they trying to get them out of there? He thought it strange that none of them had been heard sniffing around the door. As they passed the time, a slow trickle of water began to run down one of the walls. They were sure it was raining. Together they expressed their love of the rain and how much fun they had running through puddles and slogging through the mud. Suddenly they heard a loud bang. Something had hit the door. They could hear the wind howl like it never had before. "Hell of a storm comin", said Ralph. "Sure sounds like it", Sam replied. "That's no storm", muttered Shep. "My legs stiff whenever a storm is approaching, I don't feel a thing right now." Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A Scotsman was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said: "Is my wife here?" His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.." The Scot then said: "Are my children here?" "Yes, daddy, we are all here?" answered the children. He next asked: "Are my other relatives also here?" And they said: "Yes, we are all here..." The Scot looked up and said: "Then who the bloody hell is in the kitchen with the light on?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� After a successful bid to host the 2008 Olympics, the country of China is feeling like a winner again, upon landing the 2004 World Toilet Summit. China's capital, notorious for rank public lavatories with little privacy and no seats, won over World Toilet Society officials with documentaries showing the city's improvements ... ... They're flush with civic pride ... ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Save the Perverts... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.184 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.184 Doggie style <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.658 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.658 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� Armed robbers in Maryland allegedly ordered a group of 60 students to strip while they were enjoying a picnic. The 15 to 21-year-olds had gathered at the Loch Raven Reservoir when the mass robbery happened. Police say the teenage robbers also ordered several of their victims to jump into the water. The Baltimore Sun says they then rifled through their belongings stealing money, jewellery and cell phones. There were no serious injuries. Police made three arrests after stopping a car fleeing the scene. They later arrested three other people. Police didn't say how they're connected to the robbery. A police spokeswoman said: "What's unusual is the fact that you have this many people. To have 60 people the victim of a crime is large amount of people at one time." Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� My husband, sons, and I had stopped to take in a spectacular sunset and were on our way back to our car when four Buddhist monks walked by. When our sons asked about them, I explained, "Their life is a quest for enlightenment." "I wonder what kind of car they drive," my husband said and jokingly suggested, "A Ford Focus?" "Or a Honda Odyssey," I said. The monks got into a Pathfinder. ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] F O U N T A I N O F D E A T H [||||] The makers of Nico Water, H20 laced with nicotine for addicts unable to spread their second hand carnage in public places, proudly announced that "smokers no longer have to feel like second class citizens or lepers anymore." (USA Today) And if that isn't the ultimate insult to lepers, nothing is. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Daddy told me long ago, "Son, don't play with your dick. Your teeth will rot, your nose will grow, It's sure to make you sick." "Your palms will get all hairy, Or so I've heard it said. You'll grow up to be a fairy Just like your uncle Ned." "Your bones will crack, your skin will crawl Your back will always ache. You won't grow more than four feet tall. Your knees will start to shake." "Your tongue will get all mushy, Your hair will all turn green, And then you'll lose your tushy Before you turn thirteen." "Your ears will flop, your eyes will cross, Your crotch will start to smell. Your brain will turn to applesauce. You'll die and go to hell." "And if they ask me how you died, I'll tell them you were sick. But in my heart I'll know I lied. It's 'cause you pulled your prick!" Daddy went to work this morn And Mommy's in the kitchen. I think I'll get out Daddy's porn And give myself a twitchin'. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Never Pay for Condoms! Check out FreeCondoms.com... <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click here</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� A wee tot <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.659 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.659 They're lost... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.660 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.660 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waitress came over and asked him what he wanted. Feeling lonely he replied, "Two fried eggs, and a kind word." The waitress said nothing but went inside to give the order. When she came back with his food, the out-of-towner said, "Thanks for the eggs, but where's the kind word?" The waitress leaned over and whispered, "Don't eat the eggs!" ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� "A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you." ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� This Week's Laughing Stalk by Erik Deckers Dangit, I Shoulda Swum Home There we were, sitting on the Shepler's Mackinac Island ferry, waiting to head back to the mainland. My wife and I had just finished a long weekend on Mackinac Island, riding horses, riding our bikes, enjoying excellent meals, and discussing at great length how the name of the island was pronounced Mackinaw, and not Mackinack. Shepler's makes the fastest Mackinac Island runs, averaging 16 minutes, compared to everyone else's deathly slow 17-minute crawl. They make thousands of trips each year, and each ferry will often carry the entire population of a small rural city. Shepler's is one of three ferry companies that make the daily Mackinac Island run. Between the three of them, they can take the entire population of China to the island and back again. So if that's the case, what are the odds that we would sit in front of a complete goober and his wife on the trip home? There we were, minding our own business, when some Fudgie (that's what the locals call tourists) plopped down behind us with his wife and one-year-old son. As soon as they sat down, the guy started babbling with such a thick Chicago accent, he made Jim Belushi sound like Hugh Grant. "Lookit what I got," he told his wife, even though they had stood in the same line for 20 minutes. "Lookit this. It was on sale. I got it for $4.95." "Yes, that's cute," she answered. Even with the engines warming up, I could hear them. Everyone on the boat could. "Lookit! It was $4.95. He'll look good in it." I couldn't help eavesdropping, since the guy was all but shouting in my ear. I glanced out of the corner of my eye, and saw the thing she was supposed to "lookit" at was a denim baby jumper. "What size is it?" she asked. "It's a 12." "It's too small for him. He's almost outgrown his 12s. He's almost ready for 24s." "Dangit!" The guy really didn't say "dangit," he said the real D-word. But he said it so many times that journalistic standards and my own sense of decency make it necessary to write "dangit" instead. He said it so often that even if I knew his name, I'll always think of him as "Dangit." "Dangit!" he repeated, not being able to think of any other swear word. "I shoulda got the 24. And I can't go back." His wife tried to reassure him. "It's alright. He can still wear it a few times." "Dangit! I shoulda got the 24. They were right there. It was only $4.95. I shoulda got the 24!" "I know, but he can still wear it a few times." "Dangit! I even looked at the 24s. It looked huge. The 24s looked HUGE! Dangit! I can't go back." Dangit's wife didn't say anything. I glanced back over my left shoulder and saw that she was just staring out the window, watching the people get on the ferry. Something told me she was used to this, and was just waiting for him to shut up. Something also told me she was going to wait for a long time. But Dangit would not be deterred. He was going to obsess over this for hours. Gravity was going to change before this guy did. "Dangit. It just looked so cute. Dangit. I can't go back. I shoulda got the 24. It was only $4.95. I shoulda got them both for that price." She still stared out the window. The engines gunned, and we moved away from the dock. I thought I would have to strain to hear the guy, but I didn't have to worry. His misery penetrated the rumble of the engines. "Dangit. I told you we shoulda left at 2:00. Dangit. Now I can't go back. I shoulda got the 24." After several minutes of this -- I'm not kidding, I counted it! -- Dangit realized he wasn't getting any sympathy, so he tried a different tactic. "Lookit!" he commanded. "Look at it. Look at what it says." "Yes, I see." She talked to him like he was the one-year-old. "Look at what it says. It says Mackinac Island." My jaw dropped when I heard Dangit pronounce the name correctly. Then, in case his wife forgot where she had spent the entire weekend, he repeated himself. "It says Mackinac Island on it." I wanted to turn around and shout: "Really? You found a clothing item that has 'Mackinac Island' on it? That's so odd, because a large tourist trap like this RARELY has anything with its name on it. I'm absolutely stunned that baby jumpers sold on Mackinac Island aren't emblazoned with large red letters that say Burp Holler, Oregon! I mean, what are the odds?!" But I didn't. I could only listen and give my wife looks that said, "Can you believe this guy? This is better than television!" As the ferry pulled away, Dangit only got madder and madder. "I told you we shoulda left at 2:00. Dangit! I shoulda got the 24. It was only $4.95, but it just looked huge!" As Dangit raved on about what he shoulda done, I pulled out my PDA and took notes for this column. I tapped furiously on the pad to keep up with every "dangit" and "I shoulda got the 24" he uttered. His voice was finally muffled as the engines reached their peak RPMs and we raced across Lake Huron, but I could make out bits of the one-sided tirade. "Stand him up. Let's see it. Stand him up. It'll fit him. Stand him up and lookit. Stand him up," Dangit said during one of the quieter moments. But as we approached the dock, Dangit finally realized his wife had not paid attention to one second of his ranting since we left the island. I heard "Are you listening to me?" as the engines geared down. "Are you listening to me? Hey, are you listening to me?" "Yes, all 93 of us are listening to you! Here's five dollars, now shut up!" I wanted to shout. My wife placed a calming hand on my arm. After we got in the car, I asked my wife if she wanted to have lunch at our favorite pizza place before we drove home. "No!" she nearly shouted. "Dangit and his wife said they're going there." We decided against pizza, and went somewhere else. The last thing we wanted to hear all through lunch was "Dangit. I shoulda got the pepperoni." -- Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at http://www.kconline.com/deckers. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! 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