���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Well this week arrives and still cannot figure out where the bug is in my website...the poll is still not working properly and my nifty handbuilt unsubscribe page is not working at all...if you really need to leave Purehumour...then please send me a personal note requesting to be removed (nicely of course) and I will look after it for you...them really nasty notes just get deleted! Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Barbara, Joni, The Posens, Wayne, Barb, Carroll, Ishy, Kris. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Just who is peeping... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.455 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.455 There's a party going on. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.245 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.245 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000 jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much more...all for the taking! <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html";>Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� There once was a drunk man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the drunk asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The drunk man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the drunk man started shouting, "Don't flush, PLEASE, don't flush!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, are stumbling home from the pub late one night and find themselves on the road which leads past the old village graveyard. "Come have a look over here lads," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave. God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that this good man was 95 when he died." Just then Shamus yells out, "Good saints in heaven, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "Begorrah,145! What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus stumbles around a bit and awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the old stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin." ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� @$@$#$@#%@#@!@$!# Check it out: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/";>Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� It's kind of fun to do the impossible. -Walt Disney ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� You be skins... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.456 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.456 taking to the cactus... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.457 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.457 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One night this guy and his girlfriend are about to go into his apartment. Before he can open his door his girlfriend says, "Wait a minute. I think I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." "Give me some examples," the guy replies. "Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then she says, coyly, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Browser Soccer - Beat all 5 teams to win the highly coveted Scufo Cup! <a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.4 ">Play it</a> http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.4 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking pictures, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Denver, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrives in the South. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone But THIS time the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now. It's a LOCAL call." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new and fun creation...get him for FREE at: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. ���-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------��� Aggie needs to hear from you...if you have a question to ask of our weak-minded columnist...please send it in to: <a href="mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]";>Mail</a> mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] or visit Aggie at her web page below. NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/";>Dear Aggie</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/ ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Plug it in?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.249 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.249 Day one in the Garden... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.458 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.458 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Flight seven-oh-niner has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water". "Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified. "Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs". "And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me?" asks the little lady. "Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much". ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� A real old groaner I know! Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun. " the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun? "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.! ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Ant Run Pro Jr. - A fast paced arcade game where your goal is to keep the ant running through the ant tunnels. <a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.8 ">Play it</a> http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.8 ���-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------��� A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj Farmer Merrill ran to the basement and went down the stairs. He grabbed a leather strap hanging on the wall that was kept for hauling heavy items. He could see the dogs racing around the basement. WHACK! He landed a shot on the first dog he could reach. He entered further into the darkened basement, swinging and yelling. 'Git out of here you damn muts!" The dogs were yelping and running. Some tried to stay low to avoid the strap. Others tried to hide behind the shelves of preserved fruit. One by one he found them and chased them out of his basement. After five dogs had ran away in pain, he saw no more. He mumbled something about there being a full moon, made his way up the steps, and closed the door behind him. Mac had been loaded into the car and was on his way to the vet. He was wondering what to do when he got there since he wasn't really hurt. Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One day a small boy was at school. In Social Studies class his teacher was talking about peoples last names, about how in the old days their last name used to be their occupation. She gave examples like Baker, which meant they where a baker for a living, Miller meant that person worked in a paper mill, and so on. Then the little boy raised his hand and the teacher said "Do you have an example for the class?" He said " Not really, more of a question." "Well what's your question?" the teacher asked. "Well," said the little boy, " What did John Hancock do for a living?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <This is one from the archives...it is one of the funniest things that I have ever read...if this is remotely true...> For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, when you just need to take it out on someone... don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know! Read this guy's experience: Now get this: I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down! I couldn't believe anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person answered again, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word 'asshole' and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me - I would probably have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number. When I heard, "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He answered "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" The reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you how, if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it! Just dial 823-4863!! ---------->> Keep reading - it gets better... An old lady at the shopping centre really took her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move, and she started to v-e-r-y slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to manoeuvre. "Great," I thought, "she's finally leaving." All of a sudden, a black Mercedes came flying up the parking aisle, going the wrong direction, and pulled into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Mercedes, completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping centre as if he hadn't heard me. I thought to myself, "This guy's an asshole. There's sure a lot of assholes in this world." Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (it's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Mercedes laying on my desk and figured I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple of rings, someone answered the phone and said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the guy with the black Mercedes for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" "My name's Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone speed dial asshole number 1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I yelled, "You're an asshole!" but I didn't hang up. The asshole said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "Make me." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" So I told him, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" I answered, "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Mercedes is parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up. Then I called asshole number 2. He answered, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole." He said, "If I ever find out who you are ..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your ass." "Well, here's your chance ... I'm coming over right now, asshole!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home. Then I made another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street. After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious satisfaction -- watching the two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life... ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The ultimate test... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.251 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.251 I don't care... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.459 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.459 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A man has been jailed for six months after a trainload of commuters saw him having sex with a goat. Stephen Hall pleaded guilty to one charge of buggery with an animal after the assault on the female goat in August last year. Sentencing HIV-positive Hall, Judge Michael Mettyear, at Hull Crown Court, described the incident as "bizarre and disgusting". Hall had a previous conviction for indecent assault against a six-year-old girl. The judge expressed frustration at being unable to order that Hall be banned from working with children in the future, adding: "You have pleaded guilty to buggery with an animal, a goat. It was committed in open air with people about, with people who could see. "You were acting in an indecent manner, indeed, there was an seven-year-old boy in a position to see, although he was protected by his grandfather." The court was earlier told how Hall had been returning from his sister's home on August 14 when the assault took place at the Argyle Street allotments. A seven-year-old boy out walking with his grandfather had witnessed the attack together with a train-load of commuters on board a Hull to Bridlington service that had stopped at nearby signals. Hall was seen holding on to a belt that had been put around the nanny goat's neck with one hand, while masturbating with the other. He was then seen with his trousers around his ankles having "penetrative sexual intercourse" with the animal. Forensic tests matched semen taken from Hall's clothing to that found at the scene and samples of the goat's hairs were also found in his underwear. Reading from the pre-sentence report, Mr Mettyear said Hall had shown evidence of being "preoccupied with sex", having "emotional instability" and problems maintaining relationships. It added that he targets "vulnerable" victims - "a child in the first instance and now an animal". Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch. The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed. "Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist. "Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the fucking root went that deep....?!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] G - O - N - E G O N E ? [||||] Following last week's David Letterman pirating debacle orchestrated by the Disbrians at Mousevulle Central, rumors abound that Mike Eisner's rodent reign may be in a small world after all free fall. (USA Today) Yesterday, he found our his executive parking space has been reassigned to Minnie Mouse's hairdresser. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Cards For That "Not-So-Perfect" Relationship: * You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment. * I know how to push all my wife's buttons ... now if I could only find the one marked OFF! * I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell until I met you. * Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but = wonder: what the hell was I thinking? * As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me. * They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly ass. * When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise. * I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys. * I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Never Pay for Condoms! Check out FreeCondoms.com... <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click here</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� She's got a problem... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.253 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.253 Who wants to be a .... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.460 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.460 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� It's well known that the host of Jeopardy!, Alex Trebek, is Canadian. I wonder how he'd react to a fellow Canadian contestant, though: Canuck: "The Eiffel tower." Trebek: "Please state your answer in the form of a question." Canuck: "The Eiffel tower, eh?" ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What is the difference between a woman's zipper and a man's zipper? When a woman opens her zipper...her brains don't fall out. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� Can I Buy 5,000 Shares of Pokemon? By Erik Deckers I'm starting my oldest daughter in a career as a stockbroker. She's five, so we've already lost valuable time, but I'm still counting on her youth to work in my favor. With any luck we'll clean up in the stock market by the end of the year. Why, you ask, do I want her to pick our family's stocks? Because right now a five-year-old English girl is beating the pants off a financial astrologer, an independent stock analyst, and London's FTSE 100 (pronounced "footsie"). Dr. Richard Wiseman, a psychologist at Hertford University for last year's British Association's National Science Week, organized an experiment to determine how well random chance will perform against a self-proclaimed financial astrologer and a professional investor with eight years experience. Regular readers of this column may remember that Dr. Wiseman is the same psychologist who helped the world figure out what the world's funniest joke is (from my column "Say It With A Boston Accent" from December 2001). However, more astute readers may also realize that while Dr. Wiseman is a psychologist at Hertford University, just a couple of months ago, he was a psychologist at the University of Hertfordshire. Since I've read about his university affiliation in two different English newspapers, there is no final word as to where he actually works. In the March 2001 experiment, Tia Roberts of Camberwell, southeast London, was asked to pick 5,000 British Pounds ($7,100 US) worth of stocks in a fantasy stock market game. The four year old girl randomly circled companies listed in the financial pages of a newspaper. Christeen Skinner, the financial astrologer, used the alignment of the planets and the companies' horoscopes (based on the dates they were formed) to select hers. However, in a London Daily Telegraph article about the experiment, Skinner said she was playing with a handicap because she didn't know how the stars were aligned when the shares first traded. But she said Jupiter was going to be a "guardian angel" for her four companies, Emap, Parsons, Baltimore Technology and Vodafone. Mark Goodson, the professional investor and probate lawyer from Essex with eight years of experience, relied on his vast expertise and computer analysis to build his portfolio, while the FTSE 100, which is similar to our Dow Jones Industrial Average, is a list of the 100 most valuable firms on the London Stock Exchange, based on the combined value of each firm's shares. The purpose of the experiment was to compare random chance versus professional forecasts. And according to last Thursday's London Daily Telegraph (www.dailytelegraph.co.uk), Random Chance is kicking butt and taking names. Not only have Tia Robert's shares risen by 5.8 percent, Skinner's fell by 6.2 percent, while Goodson, the seasoned professional, saw his portfolio drop by 46.2 percent. The FTSE 100 has seen the 16 percent drop because of the dip in the British economy. So let me see if I get this: The professional's portfolio has dropped to nearly half its original value. Skinner, the crystal-wearing, aura-cleansing, granola-munching star reader's portfolio only dropped 6 percent. And the FTSE 100 dropped 10 percent more than Skinner's. In other words, the Space Case is beating the Bean Counters. Maybe Ronald Reagan wasn't nearly such a nutbag for consulting with astrologers during his presidency. But what is really making us humor columnists point with glee and hoot derisively is the fact that Tia Roberts, who is now five, is not only beating the professionals, her stock portfolio has actually gone up in value. That, and the fact that we humor columnists can use words like "glee" and "hoot" without anyone making fun of us. Slack-jawed mouth breather: Dude, you said "glee." Me: Yeah, but that stock analyst is getting beat by a five year old girl! Slack-jawed mouth breather: That's hilarious. I'll let the "glee" thing slide this time. Tia told the Daily Telegraph that the idea of beating the experts is "wicked." But she's not surprised by her success. When the experiment kicked off last year, she told the Daily Telegraph, "I am going to make lots of money. I am going to make my mummy very rich, I will buy mum a computer." Tia has also made her next five selections for this year: Cadbury Schweppes, Northern Rock, Prudential, Pearson and Shell Transport. Christeen Skinner has reportedly resorted to burning incense and hugging more trees to gain a better financial insight, while Mark Goodson has purchased several decks of Tarot Cards, and is learning to read them. Meanwhile, financial experts are secretly buying as many shares of Tia's stock as humanly possible. "We want to hedge our bets after Goodson's big screwup," said one fictitious stockbroker. Although I'm sure Dr. Wiseman and the fine folks at National Science Week want us to conclude that, in some cases, random chance is better than an educated guess, I would rather make two different conclusions of my own: First, if you only want to lose a little money in the stock market, call Miss Cleo, but if you want to lose a lot, call Charles Schwab or the Motley Fool. Second, if you would rather make money instead of losing it, ask a five year old girl for her stock tips. I plan on asking my daughter for a few pointers in exchange for a bowl of ice cream and the latest Disney video. But if she tanks, I'm garnishing her allowance until she pays off her losses. -- Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at http://www.kconline.com/deckers. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! 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