���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Viruses...how the heck can people keep creating this crap and getting away with it? There is a new virus running around right now called "Klez".. this one uses YOUR address book ...but it changes the senders name to something completely different making it really difficult to track...I have seen it coming from my best friend's addresses...and even some of my own private unpublished addresses...even though I am 100% protected against it. So check out the info on the site below...check your computer and continue to surf safely! http://www.antivirus.com/vinfo/virusencyclo/default5.asp?VName=WORM_KLEZ.G Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Rubin, Stan, The Posens Laura, Ishy, Carol, John. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Did you hear the one about the blonde that was learning how to swim? After the 5th lesson she asked the instructor, "Will I really sink if you take your finger out of there?" ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� New voting system... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.636 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.636 Monday's <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.637 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.637 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Real people...real cameras....24 hours per day...right into your house! Watch what really goes on behind closed doors! This is NOT a porn site...this is where YOU go to meet and be with people with similar interests...chatrooms, message boards and much more! <a href=" http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932 ">Click</a> http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Amazing-but-True Facts! [Some things to amaze your friends with...to be continued!] * In the weightlessness of space a frozen pea will explode if it comes in contact with Pepsi. * The increased electricity used by modern appliances is causing a shift in the Earth's magnetic field. By the year 2327, the North Pole will be located in mid-Kansas, while the South Pole will be just off the coast of East Africa. * The idea for "tribbles" in "Star Trek" came from gerbils, since some gerbils are actually born pregnant. * Male rhesus monkeys often hang from tree branches by their amazing prehensile penises. * Johnny Plessey batted .331 for the Cleveland Spiders in 1891, even though he spent the entire season batting with a rolled-up, lacquered copy of the Toledo Post-Dispatch. * Smearing a small amount of dog feces on an insect bite will relieve the itching and swelling. * The Boeing 747 is capable of flying upside-down if it weren't for the fact that the wings would shear off when trying to roll it over. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An convict, imprisoned for First Degree Murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison when he escaped. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who were sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared that he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong, and I love you." The wife responded, "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we keep the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I love you, too." ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Hic! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." -Steve Martin ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� New Fangled Chair... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.224 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.224 Voters... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.638 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.638 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� How Moustaches Were Invented <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/moustache.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/moustache.html Whats On Freuds Mind <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/april.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/april.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� "I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene." "Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is only 180." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new and fun creation...get him for FREE at: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's." ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy: One is take her shopping. The rest is 69. ���-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------��� Dear Aggie: Why do I have to explain all my actions to other people all the time when I think the answers are so obvious? Brain Box ]~[ Dear Brainbucket... Beats me. Maybe you're schizo.Is it time for your meds? Aggie NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/";>Dear Aggie</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/ ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Truthfull beggar... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.639 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.639 Scotty makes a booboo... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.640 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.640 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� What women look for in a man! Brave Intelligent Gutsy Polite Energetic Nutty Industrious Sensitive And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� Scientists have fitted live rats with remote controls to guide them through mazes, past obstacles and even up trees by typing commands on a laptop computer up to half a mile away. Hollywood, trying to capitalize, will air a new cartoon, The Adventures of Rescue Rat, with his sidekick Gopher Help. ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Road Sign For Guys <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/potted2.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/potted2.html Some Men Don't Mind Mowing <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/potted1.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/potted1.html ���-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------��� A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj The answer to Rex's silence came not in words but in odor. The five other dogs were all at once hit with an aroma like they had run into a wall. "What the Christ? Rex what are doing over there?" Sam asked while trying to hide his eyes. Rex remained silent. "My God, I can't breathe." Porky, the Yorkshire Terrier added. "What the hell is the matter with you?" Ralph, the Pitbull, demanded to know. Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two guys are walking down the street and one is telling the other how he hates Italians, but when they turn the corner there is an Italian organ grinder with a little monkey holding a tin cup. The guy who hates Italians puts some coins in the monkey's cup. When they walk away his friend says, "I thought you hated Italians yet you gave him money?" And he answers, "yes, but they are so cute when they are little." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?" Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what pos- sessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad." And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east." Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Getting caught... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.641 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.641 Getting it reversed... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.120 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.120 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A Canadian inventor says his latest bear-proof suit will work even though his last attempt failed. Troy Hurtubise has built six armored suits but none was strong enough to survive the onslaught of a Kodiak. He thinks the seventh version will succeed and is hoping to test it for himself. The new suit is built from stainless steel and titanium and has shock absorbers and air bags. An earlier version was torn apart in an unmanned test. The bear's owner refused to let the inventor wear it in the pen in case he was hurt. Mr Hurtubise said: "He believed the Mark VI wouldn't hold up to the enormous pressure the bear would have exerted and that he would have just ripped through the chain mail. So I went back home determined to build a new suit that would be Kodiak-proof." He hopes the Ursus Mark VII will allow him to take on the three metre tall animal later this year. Canada.com reports that apart from the safety devices the suit also has a built-in video screen, a cooling system and swiveled joints. Mr Hurtubise hopes it can be used to study bears close-up without there being any risk to the humans involved. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] F E A T H E R E D F I N G E R [||||] Former bedtime chat king Johnny Carson told NBC where they could roost their peacock when they asked him to appear on next month's 75th anny spec, telling Esquire Mag "It's going to be one of those self congratulatory things -- look how good we are. I'm just not going to do it." (LA Times) Still doing a great Carnac -- and deadly accurate. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The Top 12 Bugs in Windows 2000 12> Every time you hit the space bar, hundreds of Ritz crackers fly out of the CD-ROM drive. 11> The so-called "help" file is really just a collection of lame "Chicken Soup for the Soul" anecdotes. 10> Refuses to install new programs until you've achieved "clear" status. 9> You hit "delete" and the guy in the next cubicle is instantly transported to Albuquerque. 8> In the middle of your fastest game of Minefield yet, the Stephen Hawking office assistant pops up and says, "It looks like you're trying to arrive at a Unified Field Theory. Can I help you?" 7> Incorrect installation of printer drivers launches a nuclear strike against France. 6> Dreaded "Blue Screen of Death" replaced by less fearsome "Hamster Dance Screen of Death." 5> Too easy to win new "Whack-a-Reno" game. 4> Default search options include "Body Cavity Search." 3> Replaces hilarious, intellectual, pithy Top5 list items with crude junior high school humor. 2> Any time you empty the Recycle Bin, NASA loses another Mars Lander. 1> Changes ".gov" domain to ".bite-me" domain every time. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Never Pay for Condoms! Check out FreeCondoms.com... <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click here</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Not a morning Pussy... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.33 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.33 I am like this most days... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.63 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.63 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Medical Sex Facts 1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile. (But who cares?) 2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world ... it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast. 3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress. 4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle. 5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy. 6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time. 7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the Marines. 8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face. (For whom? ) 9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy. 10."Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm. 11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counsellor. 12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack. 13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner. 14. You know that you've had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your eyes. 15. You know I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes. 16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand. 17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight. 18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex). 19. Sex on an inclined surface (an anthill, for example) builds endurance. 20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet. 21. 1970 FDA approves spray-on Vaseline. 22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets. 23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes. 24. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Why do they say that eating bean curd and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything! ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� This Week's Laughing Stalk by Erik Deckers Belly Itchers Have Feelings Too, You Know! If you play or even watch sports, you know there is small a risk of injury. As someone who has played football, soccer, basketball, baseball, Ultimate frisbee, and even raced bicycles over the years, I've managed to injure myself in every sport I've ever played. I've been hit with baseballs, hit with bats, power tackled by guys twice my size, kicked in the shins, kicked in the head, whacked in the groin, sprained both ankles several times, wiped out on my bike on a number of occasions, and even limped through an entire soccer season with tendinitis. In the past, thousands of people have been injured playing baseball. They've been hit by pitches, hit with cleats, hit by other players, hit with bats, and even hit with balls smacked back at them. Jose Canseco, the Oakland A's outfielder, was once bonked on the head with a flyball, causing it to bounce over the outfield fence, resulting in a home run. And every baseball player knows any of this can happen. Well, maybe not the Jose Canseco thing, but it would be pretty cool if it did. So if baseball players know all this, why is Daniel Hannant of Pittsfield, Illinois suing the maker of Louisville Slugger bats for over $1 million? On April 18, the Chicago Tribune published a copy of a lawsuit filed in the Cook County Circuit Court by Hannant's attorney against Hillerich & Bradsby, the makers of Louisville Slugger. According to the lawsuit, on April 1, 2000, 17-year-old Hannant was pitching ("we want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!") for his high school baseball team, the Pittsfield Saukees, against the Calhoun Pioneers. The Calhoun team was using an "Air Attack 2 Model BB 12 [-5] Louisville Slugger TPX Bat," a high-tech aluminum bat. The batter hit one of Hannant's pitches and nailed him right in the head, causing "serious and life-threatening injuries." There is no word whether Hannant's belly itching abilities were affected, although he did win the Saukee Pride award that year. According to the lawsuit, "Due to H&B's design and construction of the Bat, the exit speed of the baseball from the Bat was so great that Hannant was unable to react to the baseball so as to protect himself from being struck, and the baseball struck him in the head." First, let's forget that it should be "Owing to" or "Because of" H&B's design. Since we're talking about serious injuries, I won't quibble about the attorney's grossly incorrect usage of "Due to." Second, he could have said "The ball flew so quickly, Hannant didn't have time to protect himself," but that doesn't sound very lawyerly, and isn't worth $200 an hour. Instead, let's look at the assertion the Bat was purposely designed and engineered to hit a baseball harder, faster, and farther than a traditional wooden bat. No kidding! That's called a "competitive advantage." Baseball players and coaches are constantly looking for ways to hit baseballs harder, faster, and farther, and the easiest way to do this is with a high-tech bat. Bat manufacturers would have a hard time selling bats made of foam rubber and baseball would be more boring than it already is if baseballs weren't hit harder, faster, and farther. For those of you who didn't know high school players can use aluminum bats, let me point out that only professional players use wooden bats. College, high school, and even little league players can use aluminum bats, as can men and women softball players. Why? So players can hit a ball harder, faster, and farther. It says so right on the bat. That's called a "marketing feature." Another bat manufacturer actually boasts an exit speed of 115 mph. Although people use high-tech bats for this reason, Hannant says that H&B had a duty to design the Bat so it was not defective or "unreasonably dangerous" when it was used for its original purpose. He also asserts that H&B failed to place warning labels that said the Bat, "could cause the baseball to be propelled with such velocity that when hit directly towards a pitcher it does not allow the pitcher sufficient reaction time to avoid being struck." Hundreds of pitchers have been hit this way, and it has nothing to do with the bat. It has everything to do with where the pitcher is standing. When I was 12, I was pitching in a 3-man sandlot game with my friend Michael and his 19-year-old brother Jimmy. Jimmy whacked a screamer that nailed me in the thigh, and I cried and rolled around on the ground for ten minutes while they waited for me to finish. That's what happens when you stand right in front of the batter and throw balls at him. So why doesn't Hannant sue the batter for hitting him, or the Calhoun Pioneers for using a dangerous bat? Or even better, why doesn't Hannant sue the Illinois High School (athletic) Association for allowing teams to use aluminum bats in the first place? Because none of them have $1 million, that's why. Hillerich & Bradsby does. Remember, it's only Major League Baseball that uses wooden bats. Everyone else can use all the high-tech bats they want. And that's where the problem lies. With all the documented cases of teenagers and kids being killed or seriously injured after being struck by a ball hit with one of these bats, organizers, school administrators, and coaches are still using them. If anyone is more responsible for Hannant's injury than Hillerich & Bradsby, it's the adults who allowed the high-tech bat to be used. I don't propose the banning of aluminum bats altogether. They're great for adults, whether it's city-league softball, college baseball, or just some guys getting together to whack each other over the head. But no one under the age of 18, especially little kids, should use aluminum bats. They're dangerous, and need to be banned from youth baseball. The bats, not the kids. -- Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at http://www.kconline.com/deckers. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! 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