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Susan- This is one of the feelings that I struggle with the most during the recovery process. Of course there is always the euphoria that comes from abstaining from food, the satisfaction of knowing that you have control over everything, the pleasure in dedication. More than that, though, I get scared to recover because I know that I have to leave something behind. After 17 years of battling this, I want to get rid of it. I am so tired of living with it, but at the same time, so scared to live without it. I've dealt with this for almost three quarters of my life, and it's not even just a disease anymore, it's part of my identity. I've always been "the skinny girl" or "the sick girl," and yes part of it is an attention thing, but the other part is my unwillingness to reveal myself. I have no idea what kind of person I am without this. I've never known myself without it. What if I don't like the person that I become? What if I want to get back, but can't? What will it be like to eat and never feel guilt? These are things that I can't even imagine. Sometimes I get scared that I will feel lost. I feel like this disease is what grounds me. It is me. It dictates a lot of my personality. It's not even a food thing or a weight thing. Sometimes, I wish it were. Christa (aka delicate1) -----Original Message----- From: futurebird [mailto:susan@;futurebird.com] Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2002 11:41 AM To: Multiple recipients of [EMAIL PROTECTED] Subject: [thin] (repost) - I don't want to eat.... ::::: the thin page email list wah wah wah call a wahbulance..... I mean that's not big news, I guess. Of course I'm *hungry* but I don't want to eat anymore. I miss it too much, I feel so bland and dull. It's like I've lost touch of my dreams or something. I always think about how nice it would be to be another person, well a person like me but sort of a quiet thin (very thin) person who was sort-of --I dunno ?mystic??? Why is it always so vague? I mean do you guys have this *haunting* image of what it would be like to be "thin enough" or whatever? I can't put my finger on what it is. But, it's romantic: I get *nostalgia* when I think about the days I spent at university hobbling around over winter break when everyone was gone. Eating nothing but soup and not that much soup either. Fainting in the big stone public library in downtown Pittsburgh and not being found for hours since no one was in there the day before Christmas.... I'm like "ahhhh those were the days!" what in the name of god is wrong with me???????????? Don't I know that I was miserable? -Susan ::::: the thin page email list::::: http://www.futurebird.com/thin Need help with the list ? email : [EMAIL PROTECTED] ::::: the thin page email list::::: http://www.futurebird.com/thin Need help with the list ? email : [EMAIL PROTECTED]
