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Susan, nothing is wrong with you, it's just that *thing*, isn't it... that thing that anorexia does. It's all the lies and the illusions... the distorted sense of reality that's so difficult to question, because it seems so GOOD. I can certainly relate to what you're saying; I sometimes find myself longing for the days when I was too weak to walk up the stairs, when every bone in my body would ache and ache... of course, I conveniently ignore the fact that I would cry myself to sleep every night, convinced that I wouldn't wake up the next day.what in the name of god is wrong with me????????????
But you know what? Starvation isn't going to make you the person you want to be. You ARE a wonderful person, a person who doesn't need starvation and emaciation to be special. I know it's so easy to believe that going down the path of not eating again will make you feel good, but in reality it will only take away from what a beautiful person you really are. There's nothing "romantic" about being a hollow shell.
Christa -
Reading your post, it sounds like we're in exactly the same position right now, except you've battled with this for a good ten years longer than I have. I've been spending a lot of time recently thinking about what kind of person I would be without this, and I just don't know. It's scary, but at the same time exciting. Sometimes it's not easy to realise that anorexia doesn't make you who you are -- it TAKES AWAY from who you are. I really do hope you're able to overcome this.
Take care,
-helen (Astarte)
From: "futurebird" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Reply-To: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
To: Multiple recipients of [EMAIL PROTECTED] <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Subject: [thin] (repost) - I don't want to eat....
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 2002 12:41:03 -0500
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wah wah wah call a wahbulance.....
I mean that's not big news, I guess. Of course I'm *hungry* but I don't want
to eat anymore. I miss it too much, I feel so bland and dull. It's like I've
lost touch of my dreams or something. I always think about how nice it would
be to be another person, well a person like me but sort of a quiet thin
(very thin) person who was sort-of --I dunno ?mystic???
Why is it always so vague? I mean do you guys have this *haunting* image of
what it would be like to be "thin enough" or whatever? I can't put my finger
on what it is. But, it's romantic: I get *nostalgia* when I think about the
days I spent at university hobbling around over winter break when everyone
was gone. Eating nothing but soup and not that much soup either. Fainting in
the big stone public library in downtown Pittsburgh and not being found for
hours since no one was in there the day before Christmas....
I'm like "ahhhh those were the days!"
what in the name of god is wrong with me????????????
Don't I know that I was miserable?
-Susan
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