Okay, this might be a moderately long post, but keep faith that I will relate
it to zen
practice by the end. That being said:
Sleep paralysis (hereinafter referred to as "SP") is something I experience
occasionally.
Anyone else get this? About five times annually since the teenage years,
within usually
minutes of falling asleep but sometimes in the middle of the night, I wake up
paralyzed
but oriented (knowing exactly where I am, who I am, when I am, etc.) with the
most
intense fear I have experienced in my life so far. All I know when it is
happening is I can't
even open my eyes, but I NEED TO GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE RIGHT F---ING NOW
because I can definitely tell something or someone is in the room, and it might
just try to
"get" me. I am absolutely positive that these are not nightmares - I am awake
and lucid,
even able to feel the bed and hear sounds in the room - and within seconds of
it
beginning I recognize that it is SP and think "Oh God, not again!" Like most
people, if I
wake up in the middle of the night I can get up and walk out of the room
without light
because I know where everything is in the room. SP is no different, except
there is an
extra entity in the room, and it is apparently malevolent. Inside my mind, I
am FRANTIC,
trying to kick and scream and throw any muscle I can in any direction, anything
I can do to
just get "unlocked" and run like hell... but on the outside, I can tell that I
am motionless
and silent, and I feel like a "sitting duck". After about thirty seconds, I
can open my eyes,
quickly sit up, and whatever I was afraid of is gone. If I go right back to
sleep, I will
experience the same thing within minutes, so I walk to the kitchen for some
water that I
am not thirsty for.
The only time this experience was pleasant was when I fell asleep in the middle
of the day
on a couch with three other people awake in the room. I woke up paralyzed, but
not
scared. When I tried to jostle myself awake, I realized I could open my eyes,
and upon
doing so, I found myself weightless, floating a few feet from my body! I can
normally hear
everything in the room during SP, but this time, I looked around the room and
could see
everything that was really happening,. I could see and hear the football game
on the TV,
in sync with the announcer that I could clearly hear. I could see my
step-sister typing on
the computer in the corner in sync with the clicking of the keyboard that I
normally would
be able to hear. Within about 30 seconds, I was about ten feet from my body
when I
regained movement, thereby putting me in corpus again. I immediately thought,
"WOW,
I'll be dammed if that wasn't a out of body experience!!" This was about six
or seven
years ago, and ever since I've really wanted it to happen again, but it hasn't.
In retrospect, knowing that there is no real danger, I always tell myself that
the next time I
find myself awake and paralyzed I should immediately start meditating. "Just
BE afraid" I
tell myself. "I am not going to be in any real physical danger, so just
completely
experience that fear for all it's worth and see where it wants to take me." I
want to just lay
there in meditation, let myself be paralyzed and afraid, but the fear is just
too great. While
it is happening I can remember thinking about how I wanted to meditate during
it, and
realizing that this is my chance, but I always immediately think "Screw that!
I'm outta
here!!" because the fear is overwhelming and I "know" there is an evil being in
the room
with me - a clear and present threat. I guess the big problem is knowing how
to engage
in meditation in the face of a fear that takes priority. If anyone reading
this has any
suggestions about how I can overcome this great fear, any questions or
comments, please
post them here, and accept my thanks in advance.
Current Book Discussion: any Zen book that you recently have read or are
reading! Talk about it today!
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