Okay, this might be a moderately long post, but keep faith that I
will relate it to zen
practice by the end. That being said:
Sleep paralysis (hereinafter referred to as "SP") is something I
experience occasionally.
Anyone else get this? About five times annually since the teenage
years, within usually
minutes of falling asleep but sometimes in the middle of the night, I
wake up paralyzed
but oriented (knowing exactly where I am, who I am, when I am, etc.)
with the most
intense fear I have experienced in my life so far. All I know when it
is happening is I can't
even open my eyes, but I NEED TO GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE RIGHT F---ING
NOW
because I can definitely tell something or someone is in the room, and
it might just try to
"get" me. I am absolutely positive that these are not nightmares - I am
awake and lucid,
even able to feel the bed and hear sounds in the room - and within
seconds of it
beginning I recognize that it is SP and think "Oh God, not again!" Like
most people, if I
wake up in the middle of the night I can get up and walk out of the
room without light
because I know where everything is in the room. SP is no different,
except there is an
extra entity in the room, and it is apparently malevolent. Inside my
mind, I am FRANTIC,
trying to kick and scream and throw any muscle I can in any direction,
anything I can do to
just get "unlocked" and run like hell... but on the outside, I can tell
that I am motionless
and silent, and I feel like a "sitting duck". After about thirty
seconds, I can open my eyes,
quickly sit up, and whatever I was afraid of is gone. If I go right
back to sleep, I will
experience the same thing within minutes, so I walk to the kitchen for
some water that I
am not thirsty for.
The only time this experience was pleasant was when I fell asleep in
the middle of the day
on a couch with three other people awake in the room. I woke up
paralyzed, but not
scared. When I tried to jostle myself awake, I realized I could open my
eyes, and upon
doing so, I found myself weightless, floating a few feet from my body!
I can normally hear
everything in the room during SP, but this time, I looked around the
room and could see
everything that was really happening,. I could see and hear the
football game on the TV,
in sync with the announcer that I could clearly hear. I could see my
step-sister typing on
the computer in the corner in sync with the clicking of the keyboard
that I normally would
be able to hear. Within about 30 seconds, I was about ten feet from my
body when I
regained movement, thereby putting me in corpus again. I immediately
thought, "WOW,
I'll be dammed if that wasn't a out of body experience!!" This was
about six or seven
years ago, and ever since I've really wanted it to happen again, but it
hasn't.
In retrospect, knowing that there is no real danger, I always tell
myself that the next time I
find myself awake and paralyzed I should immediately start meditating.
"Just BE afraid" I
tell myself. "I am not going to be in any real physical danger, so just
completely
experience that fear for all it's worth and see where it wants to take
me." I want to just lay
there in meditation, let myself be paralyzed and afraid, but the fear
is just too great. While
it is happening I can remember thinking about how I wanted to meditate
during it, and
realizing that this is my chance, but I always immediately think "Screw
that! I'm outta
here!!" because the fear is overwhelming and I "know" there is an evil
being in the room
with me - a clear and present threat. I guess the big problem is
knowing how to engage
in meditation in the face of a fear that takes priority. If anyone
reading this has any
suggestions about how I can overcome this great fear, any questions or
comments, please
post them here, and accept my thanks in advance.
