As this is my named thread, and as ED is asking to be opted out of personal questions, let me answer this interesting query.
Seems like it depends. Apologizing is hard for me when I am attached to something about what I did, my thoughts on how it was justified, etc. When my ego is involved in that fashion, then it is particularly difficult to apologize and also follow the strategy of speaking no good of myself and no ill of others. The effort to do so is a very easy way to illumine the areas where I am defensive and cling to my ideas of myself. But at the same time, I think that when the connection between me and another person is basically strong, apologies are easy and flow naturally from the awareness of harm. But when there isn't a strong connection, then it feels more like going out on a limb to apologize, to get into that whole mess of my self-justifying thoughts and good intentions and defensiveness. I am not really qualified to comment on forgiveness. I think the same two conditions affect forgiveness; hard if defensive, easy when trusting the connection with the other person. The puzzle of forgiveness is when the other person doesn't ask for forgiveness. letting go of my anger and preference for reality to be other than it is seems to create a readiness to forgive, but that seems different from forgiveness asked and given. on the other hand, nothing is more irritating in a conflict than a person ready to forgive what needs no forgiveness. I know when people that I have an easy relationship with apologize for something, by the time my brain parses the words, it is forgotten, a trivial past thing. But when people that I do not trust, and whose apologies I find to be inadequate in general then apologize sincerely, I offer a stiff and judgmental sounding "I accept your apology". Or if I am even more upset, an even more stiff and judgemental, "I forgive you.". When the forgiving flows, then I am like, "oh please, don't worry, that happens," with a hand wave, smile and laugh. Thanks, Chris Austin-Lane Sent from a cell phone On Mar 10, 2011, at 8:02, mike brown <[email protected]> wrote: > Just on a slightly different note, which do you find is the most difficult to > do - apologise or forgive? ------------------------------------ Current Book Discussion: any Zen book that you recently have read or are reading! Talk about it today!Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Zen_Forum/ <*> Your email settings: Individual Email | Traditional <*> To change settings online go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Zen_Forum/join (Yahoo! ID required) <*> To change settings via email: [email protected] [email protected] <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: [email protected] <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
